80's Teen Movies :: the classic, the obscure & everything in between: Spring Fever U.S.A. AKA Lauderdale [1989]

"Where life's a beach"

Time for a spring break movie, folks. Not *the* Spring Break, no. This one just isn't as awesome as that. HOWEVER! It is still a spring break flick. With a cameo appearance by Ron Jeremy.

I'm guessing that has summed it up already.

After one hell of an opening sequence - you know the kind: shots of an over-tanned pecks-flexing muscle dude; conga line; beach babes; uncredited extras who probably didn't realize they were even being filmed at the time - set to the tune of We Go To The Beach by the Rebel Pebbles, we cut to UCLA where college buddies Larry and (token fatso best friend who wears the same outfit throughout the entire movie) Animal are failing at attracting attention from girls. Well, the right kind of attention, anyway. Particularly that of Heather fantasy girl Lipton (*the* Janine Lindemuler, who i'm sure is the fantasy girl of the entire male population of Earth). But when the guys spot a couple of up-to-no-good gangster types attempting to bundle the defenseless ms. Lipton into the back of a car, they take it upon themselves to do something about it. Acting like a couple of action heroes, they knock the ruffians out cold and rescue Heather from the two bumbling thugs.

As Animal sets off to Fort Lauderdale for a week of partying, Heather insists on repaying Larry for his valiant deed and invites him back to her hotel room. Looks like luck is in. But as an overly thrilled Larry arrives with a bottle of Dom Peringnon to meet the demands of his oversexed fantasy girl, in burst the gangsters, intent on a second kidnap attempt. This time, it's Larry's turn to get knocked out, and when he wakes up, Heather is nowhere in sight and neither is the hotel. Looks like that bit of luck is nowhere close to being in. But wait! No sooner than Larry is informed that he too has been kidnapped is he rescued by a bouncy blonde named Jane, who is fortunate enough to have armed herself with a can of pepper spray. Succeeding in temporarily blinding the brainless thugs who are holding Larry hostage, they speed away in her sports car.

Making a quick getaway, Jane fills Larry in on the truth about his eighteen year old dream girl, who is none other than the daughter of one of the wealthiest men in the world. They agree that finding Heather is in the best of both of their interests - Jane having been hired to track her down, while Larry is still busy drooling over the thought of her.

First stop, Palm Springs. Larry has a hunch that his fantasy woman will be found in the same place as 'The Big Kahuna', and despite not knowing where the hell *that* can be found, he and Jane stop by some surf shops and ask around. From there, they are directed from one sunny city to the next, finding plenty of tanned bodies and college kids, but none by the name of The Big Kahuna or Heather Lipton. As they make their way to Daytona Beach, they stumble upon the gangsters once again, forcing Jane to act as bait by stripping down to some rather saucy undies. Their plan to deliver ms. Lipton back to her daddy in New York fails when she escapes from both the guys holding her hostage and Jane and Larry, jumps onto a motorbike, and heads to Daytona.

What she is greeted with on arrival is wet t-shirt contests, hot clubs, and the biggest and best party atmosphere in Florida. But Larry and Jane aren't far behind, catching up with her as she enters a beach beauty contest. Things get complicated for the two amateur detectives when Larry is challenged - by the King of the sport - to a bellyflop contest. Does jumping from a crane just spell trouble?

By the end of spring break, Larry heads back to UCLA to take the exam he failed to study for over the week he spent chasing Heather. And talking of Heather, will she get back to New York in one piece? And will Larry declare his undying love for her, or come to realize that Jane is girl for him?

..Oh, and will they finally discover the identity of The Big Kahuna?

VERDICT: ★ ½

If you want some idea of the calibre of this movie, just look at the cast. Two pornstars, and the rest virtual unknowns, apart from a couple of short appearances by Summer Job's Sherrie Rose as a lingerie store salesgirl. Most of the cast - the surf store staff, club-goers, beach bodies - were all local faces. Figures!

One reviewer pans this flick as the "worst movie of the entire universe ever to be made". And I guess - apart from the rad opening theme song - they aren't far off. I would advise you to savour the precious few humorous moments and put your brain into standby mode while watching. 'Cause, what do ya want? It's a spring break movie, with a shedload of ass, boobage, zaniness and the obligatory spastic gangster subplot. You get what you pay for with this one. That is all.

(Go watch the actual Spring Break instead. Failing that, try Private Resort).

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]