80's Teen Movies :: the classic, the obscure & everything in between: 1.5/5

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The Virgin Queen of St. Francis High [1987]

"She made a promise. He made a bet. They made a dream come true."

During a game of pool at a popular watering hole, shy, social outcast Mike (Joseph R. Straface) becomes enthralled by virtuous high school beauty, Diane (Stacy Christensen). Enter slimy, slick Brit Randy (Lee Barringer). We've already established that he is the villain of the proceedings due to all his sneering and heinously patterned sweaters. Under the impression that "the virgin queen" will succumb to only his charm, Randy proposes a $2,000 wager on the terms that sheepish Mike cannot conquer St. Francis High's ultimate symbol of chastity and have Diane spend the night with him at the famed Paradise Bungalows. Intent on victory, Mike and his clever accomplice Charles (J.T. Wotton) set out to bag the babe, the money, and to prove the school tough guy wrong.

Following a botched first attempt at attracting Diane's attention, Mike is plagued by a series of nightmares resembling a fanboy 007 movie. They tend to drag on for a number of minutes and involve endless slow-mo action, toy guns that go "bang" without bullets, shootouts in empty car parks and Diane, sporting a particularly bad perm, kidnapped by Randy, "spy extraordinaire".

At the nearby lake, a popular hangout spot for girls in bikinis, Mike and Charles steal some swimming trunks from a washing line and casually join in on the sunbathing. In a shameless ploy which works to their advantage, Diane is introduced to Bond - Mike Bond - and expresses some interest in him when he boasts of his alleged abilities in the water. She challenges him to a swim and he agrees, only to make a fool of himself and have his cool facade crumble when Diane must play lifeguard and rescue him from a watery death. Out of sheer pity, Diane spends some time with Mike, who gallantly saves her from a frenzied creepy-crawly attack in the forest. He tells her that a stay at Paradise Bungalows would be adequate gratitude for his bravery. Makes sense right? It's only courteous to fornicate with the guy who saved you from certain fate involving a daddy long legs. Alas, Diane just does not see the logic. She rejects, despite Mike's insistence that his intentions are good and true.

Next on the cards is lunch at Diane's place. Fearing the wrath of her mother, who is known for her vendettas against possible suitors, Mike covers his face and tells her he is severely deformed (which isn't too far from the truth - this kid is as desirable and has about as much personality as a sock puppet) so that he gains her sympathy. The prank has the desired effect and Diane's tearful mother commends her daughter for her involvement with such "a special young man", who she believes is some sort of modern day elephant man. Diane doesn't take the joke too lightly and is furious when Mike maintains the manipulative act, wearing a helmet as disguise. His guilty conscience catches up with him after leaving Diane's house and coming to realize the sleaziness of he and Randy's arrangement, looking to lay the bet to rest and salvage Diane's dignity. Set on seeing the virgin queen "knocked from her perch", Randy and his tough pals refuse to compromise, leaving Mike in hot water.

Against her better judgement and the advice of her best friend, Diane comes around to the Paradise Bungalows notion and tells Mike to make reservations. Her mother is left in the dark and the couple head off to the St. Francis High deflowering location of choice, where they let their inhibitions fly free and share a steamy, untamed night of.. Monopoly tournaments. When Mike does eventually get the virgin queen in his bed (through unscrupulous methods of story telling) the cabin is ravaged by a stuntman in a phony bear suit, interrupting the long-awaited deed. Lo and behold, Diane's purity remains intact.

The shock comes when smarmy Randy blabs about the wager and Diane's best friend is made aware of Mike's intentions. Soon enough, Diane catches on, demanding an explanation. Problem is, Mike has fallen for girl and refuses to accept Randy's dirty money, insisting he never got into Diane's pants and forcing the bet to be settled by other means. In a Spaghetti Western-style stand off, Randy and Mike briefly scrap before agreeing on resolution by chickie run. In a predictable twist of events, Mike is crowned chickie run King and is forgiven by Diane. And in an ending more sickly than maple syrup, the kids all become pals and Randy sheds his bad guy persona in favour of sweetness and light.

VERDICT: ★ ½

An irritating sermon posing as a provocative teen comedy, The Virgin Queen of St. Francis High fails to deliver laughs or raunch and whatever morals it attempts to preach are wishy-washy ones. Canadian made and on a budget shorter than a shoestring, the sets are limited, the script is bad, and the acting would have been better had the movie starred a bunch of cardboard cut-outs. Dubbing is appalling and the soundtrack (which would be the only reason to recommend this film) has been craftily placed to disguise the constant hiss of background noise. There are some truly awful IQ-lowering moments, including an absurd, unfunny scene where our hero repeatedly bashes a spider with a chunk of wood, the pathetically staged "bear attack" and the umpteen minutes of James Bond dream sequence that seems to have been slotted in as a time-killer. Chemistry between the leads is nonexistent and their blossoming relationship is flaky and unbelievable, built on nothing more than Diane's pity for the imbecilic Mike.

Distributed by Crown International Pictures - an unusual choice going by Crown's track record - The Virgin Queen of St. Francis High seems to have been made to teach horny teens a lesson. What you expect is a world away from what you get with this movie - it isn't even set in high school, the virgin queen remains a virgin, and the softcore porn expectations are skewed the minute you realize what you've let yourself in for is a PG-13 romance with Christian undertones. It can be commended for its innocence, though, which is a rare surprise. Notwithstanding, as well-meaning as The Virgin Queen of St. Francis High may have been, the end result is ultimately an unsatisfying one, and one that is best avoided.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

01. She - Brad Steckel
02. Tears in Their Eyes - Jay Sunday
03. For Love - Robert Hubele
04. Wired For Sound - Jay Sunday
05. Strange Things to Remember - Brad Steckel
06. I'm Your Hero - Brian Island
07. She's Giving It All Away - Jay Sunday
08. When You Lose Your Love - Brian Island
09. Heartache Woman - Robert Hubele
10. Wait For Another Day - Brad Steckel

Ocean Drive Weekend [1985]

"It was the '60s! And even the good girls knew that O.D. meant Ocean Drive.."

Various teenaged thirty-somethings - a gang of girls from "Leon College" and a group of lads from "A Great Southern University (not the one you think)" - head off to the infamous Ocean Drive for a weekend of drinking, dancing, and whatever else kids in the '60s did for fun. If they were anything like our protagonists in Ocean Drive Weekend, it seems they didn't do much at all.

Jeanie is feeling lovestruck, hung up on her ex-boyfriend Danny, much to her best friend Linda's dissatisfaction. "Ah hell, let's not start that again - Danny is the biggest slug in North America!".

Next we've got Alan; the kid so desperate not to be drafted that he is willing to shoot a hole in his foot to prevent the inevitable. His pal Kirk is the funnyman of the bunch, having earlier stolen a motorbike and somehow lost it in the sea, to his amusement.

Serious Chuck and overweight party animal Miller are on a mission to find themselves some women but instead have too much to drink and get in trouble with local cops the next morning when they go out for breakfast and find they have no cash to pay for their meals. Miller insists they escape by jumping off of the pier, but as they swim to shore they are greeted by and unimpressed cafe owner and police. Luck changes for Chuck when he later meets Jeanie and falls head over heels for her, and they dance the night away with the rest of the kids at a Rivieras gig.

Two of Miller's pals, Hank and Billy, borrow his Dodge and go cruisin', but when they decide to poke fun of some guys from another college, it begins a chain of disastrous events that winds up involving half of the kids at Ocean Drive! When Miller gets his car back later that evening, he is stopped and kidnapped by the same college kids who'd earlier been taunted by his pals. The police then find his beat up dodge abandoned at the end of the street and when word gets back to Hank and Billy, they vow to rescue Miller from the clutches of evil and recruit Mark, Chuck, Marsha and the rest of the kids to help.

VERDICT: ★ ½

Ocean Drive Weekend is a really obscure and somewhat bizarre movie. One look at the cover art on the vhs box and you'd assume what you were looking at was your typical eighties T&A beach romp. On further inspection of the cover, you'd notice the Troma logo, and your expectations would be lowered to "terrible eighties T&A beach romp". Unbelievably, Ocean Drive is a semi serious tale, with absolutely zero nudity or bad language (okay, the f-bomb is dropped once!), and is so tame that it only earned itself a PG:13 rating on release. Although the movie features beach scenes, the bikini-clad torso on the cover really does give the wrong impression, and I would go as far as to say that Ocean Drive IS a drama film. It is like Troma's response to American Graffiti. Perhaps another good comparison would be Shag The Movie - this is the amateur version, complete with godawful acting, over-ripe "stars", and not really a whole lot of plot.

Under The Boardwalk by The Drifters was used about four times in the movie - there's nothing wrong with that, of course, except for that it continually reminded me how I would have much rather been sitting watching Under The Boardwalk (1989), a much better beach movie.

Incredibly, Ocean Drive Weekend isn't quite as horrifying as you would think. Yes, the acting is nothing more than piss-poor, but where you'd presume it absolutely worthless, there are a few hidden surprises. That said, it is by no means a good movie, and wont ever be regarded as anything other than garbage. The ten or so central characters does make for a stupidly confusing story that it is best not to even try and follow, but it does deliver a few laughs, even if most are sort of unintentional (an example being one of the main characters - an overweight slobbish type who looks about forty and claims to still be a virgin). It seems, though, that Ocean Drive Weekend is destined to lurk in the cavernous depths of low-grade cinema for all of eternity. Do yourself a favour and leave it there.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

The following songs were featured in the movie:

1. Showdown - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
2. Under The Boardwalk - The Drifters
3. Double Shot - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
4. It Will Stand - the Showmen
5. Peanut Butter - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
6. Be Young, Be Foolish, Be Happy - The Tams
7. 39-21-46 - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
8. Come Go With Me - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
9. Girl Watcher/Boy Watcher - Karen & Ron Killette

Spring Fever U.S.A. AKA Lauderdale [1989]

"Where life's a beach"

Time for a spring break movie, folks. Not *the* Spring Break, no. This one just isn't as awesome as that. HOWEVER! It is still a spring break flick. With a cameo appearance by Ron Jeremy.

I'm guessing that has summed it up already.

After one hell of an opening sequence - you know the kind: shots of an over-tanned pecks-flexing muscle dude; conga line; beach babes; uncredited extras who probably didn't realize they were even being filmed at the time - set to the tune of We Go To The Beach by the Rebel Pebbles, we cut to UCLA where college buddies Larry and (token fatso best friend who wears the same outfit throughout the entire movie) Animal are failing at attracting attention from girls. Well, the right kind of attention, anyway. Particularly that of Heather fantasy girl Lipton (*the* Janine Lindemuler, who i'm sure is the fantasy girl of the entire male population of Earth). But when the guys spot a couple of up-to-no-good gangster types attempting to bundle the defenseless ms. Lipton into the back of a car, they take it upon themselves to do something about it. Acting like a couple of action heroes, they knock the ruffians out cold and rescue Heather from the two bumbling thugs.

As Animal sets off to Fort Lauderdale for a week of partying, Heather insists on repaying Larry for his valiant deed and invites him back to her hotel room. Looks like luck is in. But as an overly thrilled Larry arrives with a bottle of Dom Peringnon to meet the demands of his oversexed fantasy girl, in burst the gangsters, intent on a second kidnap attempt. This time, it's Larry's turn to get knocked out, and when he wakes up, Heather is nowhere in sight and neither is the hotel. Looks like that bit of luck is nowhere close to being in. But wait! No sooner than Larry is informed that he too has been kidnapped is he rescued by a bouncy blonde named Jane, who is fortunate enough to have armed herself with a can of pepper spray. Succeeding in temporarily blinding the brainless thugs who are holding Larry hostage, they speed away in her sports car.

Making a quick getaway, Jane fills Larry in on the truth about his eighteen year old dream girl, who is none other than the daughter of one of the wealthiest men in the world. They agree that finding Heather is in the best of both of their interests - Jane having been hired to track her down, while Larry is still busy drooling over the thought of her.

First stop, Palm Springs. Larry has a hunch that his fantasy woman will be found in the same place as 'The Big Kahuna', and despite not knowing where the hell *that* can be found, he and Jane stop by some surf shops and ask around. From there, they are directed from one sunny city to the next, finding plenty of tanned bodies and college kids, but none by the name of The Big Kahuna or Heather Lipton. As they make their way to Daytona Beach, they stumble upon the gangsters once again, forcing Jane to act as bait by stripping down to some rather saucy undies. Their plan to deliver ms. Lipton back to her daddy in New York fails when she escapes from both the guys holding her hostage and Jane and Larry, jumps onto a motorbike, and heads to Daytona.

What she is greeted with on arrival is wet t-shirt contests, hot clubs, and the biggest and best party atmosphere in Florida. But Larry and Jane aren't far behind, catching up with her as she enters a beach beauty contest. Things get complicated for the two amateur detectives when Larry is challenged - by the King of the sport - to a bellyflop contest. Does jumping from a crane just spell trouble?

By the end of spring break, Larry heads back to UCLA to take the exam he failed to study for over the week he spent chasing Heather. And talking of Heather, will she get back to New York in one piece? And will Larry declare his undying love for her, or come to realize that Jane is girl for him?

..Oh, and will they finally discover the identity of The Big Kahuna?

VERDICT: ★ ½

If you want some idea of the calibre of this movie, just look at the cast. Two pornstars, and the rest virtual unknowns, apart from a couple of short appearances by Summer Job's Sherrie Rose as a lingerie store salesgirl. Most of the cast - the surf store staff, club-goers, beach bodies - were all local faces. Figures!

One reviewer pans this flick as the "worst movie of the entire universe ever to be made". And I guess - apart from the rad opening theme song - they aren't far off. I would advise you to savour the precious few humorous moments and put your brain into standby mode while watching. 'Cause, what do ya want? It's a spring break movie, with a shedload of ass, boobage, zaniness and the obligatory spastic gangster subplot. You get what you pay for with this one. That is all.

(Go watch the actual Spring Break instead. Failing that, try Private Resort).

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

No official soundtrack was released, but the more-than-bearable song listing is as follows:

1. We Go To The Beach - The Rebel Pebbles

2. Winners - Fury

3. Spring Break/Come Together - Jeff Wills and Asrock

4. Nighttime Assassin - The Rebel Pebbles

5. How Do You Feel (Jane's Theme) - The Rebel Pebbles

6. Black Beauty - Clay Sheff

7. Hiya Honey! - Teazer

Jocks [1987]

"Champions aren't born ... they're made!"

Coach Bettlebom is an unmotivated college phys ed teacher who - in over ten years - hasn't once managed to win a sports trophy. His kids don't fare much better, and most of them aren't achieving much in terms of grades - to say the least. So when President White (Christopher Lee - yeah, THE Christopher Lee) decides to better the reputation of the college, he gives Bettlebom an ultimatum: construct a team of winners or else.

Tennis coach Chip Williams (Richard Roundtree) is the next in line for a lecture, this time from Bettlebom, who threatens to scrap the tennis program despite the team being the best the college has to offer. Defending the 'pansy' sport, Williams proposes that the team are ready for the big upcoming tennis tournament, and that if they lose, Bettlebom is entitled to rid the college of the sport.

Enter 'The Kid' (Scott Strader), college 'degenerate' and big time party animal. Along with the rest of the tennis team - the uptight Jeff (Perry Lang), insane Ripper (Donald Gibb - playing almost exactly the same character as he did in Revenge of the Nerds), campy Prince-like dude Andy, the women-obsessed Tex (Adam Mills), and crazy Mexican Chito (Trinidad Silver), they're shipped off to Las Vegas to compete in the contest.

As you can imagine, most of the team are more interested in gambling, getting laid, and all-round partying rather than the competition. However, none of them are aware how high the stakes really are and Williams and Bettlebom do a good job in keeping their agreement under wraps.

First up, a night of drinking is in order and, ignoring William's strict orders to keep on top form for the match, they drive off to a nearby club. It isn't long before they're approached by all-too-friendly team members from a rival college, whose intentions aren't as good as first assumed - setting the Kid and his teammates up. By the time the next day rolls around, the guys are completely hungover and in no state for the first round match.

Having obviously not learned from their mistakes and not too bothered about the contest, the Kid and the guys go off for another night of partying and by now, Williams is at wits end. At this point, the Kid has fallen for Nicole (Mariska Hargitay) - a girl who just happens to be from the rival college. Whilst the two share a motel room, the rest of the guys are out getting pretty drunk. All seems peachy until Bettlebom shows his face and goes hunting for the team to tell them that their partying has gotten them disqualified from the contest.

Williams and the guys are determined not to let Bettlebom get rid of the tennis program. A few hookers later, Bettlebom has been stitched up and some uncomplimentary photographic evidence allows the team to take part in the critical competition after all.

But that isn't the end to the scams, when the jealous rival competitors place a bet in the Kid's name, telling him that if his team loses, thousands of dollars will be coming his way. Will the Kid crumble under pressure?

VERDICT: ★ ½

Jocks, good for maybe a laugh or two - mainly at the badly handled tennis scenes - is nothing worth going out of your way to find. Contradicting that statement, it is worth seeing if only for the weird and wonderful cast.

All in all, a not quite mind numbing attempt from Crown International Pictures at a partially serious teen sports movie, full of madly misplaced faces (Christopher Lee -seriously!) and a humdrum seen-it-all-before storyline.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Foxy Lady - John Finley
2. Dirty With You - John Finley
3. Tonight - Pamela Neal
4. Got Some Lovin' For You - Pamela Neal
5. Road Trip - Phillip Kennard, Tim Bryson & Bob Irving
6. Misbehavin' - Phillip Kennard with The Pups
7. How Many Times - Linda Peaches Green
8. Power Play - Jimmy Osmond
9. Body Bruiser - Stephen Tavani
10. Gettin' Hot in Here - Linda Peaches Green
11. Sugar & Spice - Linda Peaches Green
12. Willie Willie - David Backstrom
13. In Trouble Again - David Backstrom & Terry Wilson

Splitz [1984]

"We wish this movie was about sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.. but two out of three ain't bad."

Hooter college students Gina (Robin Johnson), Joan and Susie are three feisty rock chicks with high hopes. They've got their own band, the Splitz, but with no manager and no gigs aren't getting far in the music biz. This is where fellow Hooter student Chuck, in the midst of a 2 year scholarship, steps in. With big ambitions of fame and fortune within the music industry, the girls decide he is their best bet. Things start off slow, with Chuck only just managing to scrape together one crummy gig in a bar full of rednecks (which, funnily enough, was filmed in CBGB's).

Meanwhile, conniving Hooter College dean (Shirley Stoler) has been instructed that one sorority house must be demolished to make way for a sewage plant. With the help of the snarky Delta Phi girls, the dean plans an athletics tournament in order to rid the school of the Phi Beta sorority house - a bunch of unpopular misfits who, in the dean's eyes, the school could do without. Settling on three sports contests in all; football, wrestling and basketball, the venomous dean begins her underhand tactics and game one begins.

The football match quickly turns into a joke, with the Delta Phi's making every devious move they can. But when the Splitz girls notice that the Phi Beta's are turning into shark bait, the ballsy Gina joins their team and begins to fight back. After pulling nearly every trick in the book, the Delta Phi's thrash the Beta's, and Gina and the girls are determined to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Gina, Joan and Susie then come up with a scam, in the hopes of getting their own back with a bit of blackmail. Hunting down the dean's harebrained husband, they photograph him in an altogether questionable position, and, showing the dean their embarrassing evidence, she agrees to their demands. Fixing the rules of the next two games, the Delta Phi's are forced to wrestle in their underwear, being upstaged and eventually beaten by the Phi Beta's.

There's one more tournament to go, and, intent on humiliating the Delta's one last time, the game is re-named; strip basketball. With the Beta's raring to go, Gina and Susie wonder where bandmate Joan has disappeared to. The game begins and Joan - the Beta's best player - is still nowhere to be seen. Locked in the changing room next door by the Delta Phi's, and knowing that the team won't last without her, Joan manages to breakout. In the nick of time, the Delta's are annihilated.

Calling Gina, Joan, Susie and Chuck to her office, the dean excludes them all for unfair sportsmanship - even though the entire phony competition was her idea in the first place. With his full scholarship down the drain in an instance, Chuck is desperate. He wants to make himself, and the Splitz, a success. Calling for the help of his sex obsessed cousin Vinnie and gangster inlaws, they set up a gig for the band at the biggest club in town, 'The Palace'. Needless to say, the girl's pull off such an immense gig, that they are signed on the spot for a $20,000 recording deal. But not before they manage to humiliate the dean in front of the entire club!

VERDICT: ★ ½

Splitz, a movie that boasts one of Robin Johnson's larger roles, aint trying to be anything it's not. Lost among the thousands of teen T&A flicks out there, and bearing a grand total of 29 IMDB votes, it, unsurprisingly, is not referred to too fondly. But when you pick up a videotape and the first sentence of the synopsis contains the words 'Hooter College sorority house' and 'sewage treatment plant', I honestly can't give you any sympathy if you pressed play and expected John Hughes. The video case has two errors on it anyway, one of which being a pretty major one - calling Robin Johnson Robin Robinson for starters.

Shirley Stoler is pretty hilarious in her role as the dean, in a senseless, dumb kinda way. The final scene is so bad, it goes past being good, and back round to bad again. But that's okay, 'cause by that point, we don't know whether to laugh, or, in the words of mister band-manager Chuck, find a tree to hang ourselves from.

The good aspect of this movie is that the (nonexistent) soundtrack has a life of it's own. Among the tunes are two Blondie tracks, which always manage to put a smile on your face. The music of the Splitz isn't too bad either - not that the girls make a convincing rock band, but that whoever the underpaid sod was who had to sit and write the songs did a pretty good job. It's also quite sad to watch Robin Johnson in this movie - she could have gotten much further in life than lost sexploitation b-movies.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

None available.