80's Teen Movies :: the classic, the obscure & everything in between: 1984

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Lovelines [1984]

"They're the two hottest tickets in a red-hot battle of the bands.. and now they've got the hots for each other"

Coldwater Canyon and Malibu High are two infamously warring schools on the brink of the biggest war yet: Battle of the Bands. Piper and the Firecats are the talent of Malibu, and in the hours they aren't jamming in preparation for the contest, they're running riot in the halls of Coldwater Canyon High. On this particular occasion, Coldwater's synchronized swim team become the victims of a batch of surgically threaded bathing suits and an unsuspecting history class are taught a lesson in the x-rated antics of modern man! Leaving a long lasting reminder that "Coldwater sucks!", the devilish dolls make a quick getaway, but not before Piper (Mary Beth Evans) gets a taste of their competition in the form of Racer, an all-guy group fronted by the blue eyed male model type, Rick (Greg Bradford), who she takes an instant liking to.

Back at Malibu, macho muscle monster Godzilla (Frank Zagarino), his wrestle mad sidekick and his slutty metallic pant-wearing girlfriend are scheming to break the bones of any promising opposition of the Firecats to make the battle "fair" for his baby sister Piper. Racer have their priorities set on domination by music video and have the cunning Jeff (Don Michael Paul) audition possible talent in various states of undress after a riotous prank in the cafeteria involving a dubiously crude "ancient Chinese artifact".

Charlie's Meet Rack is the setting for the qualifying round of the battle where Piper's heartache has gotten the better of her. Keyboard player and best friend Priscilla (Tammy Taylor) expresses her worry in the most tactful of ways; by telling Piper that she makes "Marie Osmond look like a nympho". It is when Racer enter the picture that Piper's destiny takes a u-turn, with her lifelong desire fulfilled at the sight of distractingly tight blue pants, unabashed pelvic thrusting and a lust-injected delivery of "I'd Do Anything For You" from frontman Rick. Meanwhile, the staple inconsequential anarchist scuzzbuckets and battle hopefuls (appropriately named The Flying Phlegm) are pulling the moves on some hoity-toity Malibu chicks while a bunch of break dancers resembling outcast Pink Ladies in satin bomber jackets make an arrival at the venue. A number of apparently unaware uncredited extras and onlookers provide the backdrop, including an array of new wave fashion victims and a lone, bespectacled senior citizen sporting a blue rinse and bewildered grandson. No, really.

Harmony at the contest lasts a total of six nanoseconds when Rick's mischievous pals Jeff and his flat cap-wearing accomplice known as The Beagle (Robert DeLapp) launch an attack on Malibu foe Godzilla. Unappreciative of being showered in popcorn and snacks from above (and witnessing his airhead girlfriend violated by a descending hot dog sausage), Godzilla - donning a pair of blue crotch-hugging pants suspiciously similar to those worn by Coldwater rival Rick - along with his all-muscle entourage grunt an oath of table smashing, skull bashing revenge. Don't they know it's bad karma to beat on a guy with a fashion sense as bad as your own? As the Malibu cavemen pursue the enemy (and prove their flagrant ~~masculinity~~ stupidity by jumping an already opened gate), news of the scuffle reaches The Firecats and an anxious Piper. A half-baked car chase follows, with more budget being spent on the selection of fresh goods on the quickly-annihilated fruit cart than on realistic chase effects. Nevertheless, we all like to see a good old strategically placed fruit cart collision every once in a while. Just think, in another ten years, concern regarding obesity levels will have forced stunt crews into destroying donut vendors and burger stalls instead, and when that day comes, it'll be a real sorry state for bad cinema.

The Malibu High celebration blow-out forces the updated Romeo & Juliet theme upon us, with Piper expressing her endless forbidden love for Rick as he stands below her balcony. Jeff and Beagle crash the party disguised as pizza delivery boys and get lucky with Godzilla's girl and an unknown bathtub beauty, while Priscilla warns Piper of the dangers of her relationship.

Late night rendezvous and essential sappy romance montages lead Godzilla to the discovery of his baby sister's secret, resulting in the predictable flying fists, the demolishing of Rick's face and subsequently the couple's break-up. Their separation ends when Malibu reach the Battle of the Bands final and another celebration party is thrown, this time with the kids inexplicably dressed in costume. In case us viewers missed the earlier star-crossed lover references, Rick and Piper arrive in Shakespearean-era outfits and a Malibu versus Coldwater confrontation then rages. In a food fight, fist fight and, believe it or not, a sword fight set to the peculiarly-placed Raiders of the Lost Ark theme, the couple escape by quad bike (or was that a ride-on lawnmower?). The climax is the announcement of a tie between Racer and The Firecats in the Battle of the Bands final, at which point both appear on stage amid a blinding white haze of coordinating costumes, bright lights, power chords and lyrics about taking love higher. Did this movie really just happen?

VERDICT: ★★★

A late night HBO and video store regular, Lovelines was the second to last directional effort of Rodney Amateau, the man responsible for High School U.S.A and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Lovelines mixes forbidden romance and prepubescent high school hijinks with cheesy mid-eighties pop ballads, a handful of Up All Night-worthy moments and a good few fads of the day that have been thrown in for the fun of it (e.g. break dancing intervals and repulsive punk baddies). The running time has been padded out with crude, crazy and unfeasible shenanigans like nudie theatre water pistol antics, a Chrysler that shoots booze bombs from the boot and a number of appearances from a talking goose puppet. Don't worry, it's not just you who can't see the sense in it all. Something we haven't yet mentioned is that in among all the nonsense, Police Academy's Michael Winslow sometimes pops up making strange noises and cracking the odd joke from the comfort of the apparently relevant Lovelines Answering Service. So much insanity goes on in this movie it is impossible to put it all into words.

Distributors Key Video are notable for churning out this species of film, so if you are familiar with the cheerleader camp frolics of Gimme an 'F', girl-power vengeance flick The Legend of Billie Jean or the high school comedy Paradise Motel, predicting the caliber of Lovelines sorta comes naturally to you: low budget idiocity at its finest.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

Credits of the movie state "soundtrack album available on MCA/curb records and tapes". The release was pulled at the last minute.

01. Lovelines - Souvenir
02. Totally Gone - The Firecats
03. A Dream is Comin' - P.F. Solo
04. A Time Like This Again - Joe Esposito
05. Number One - Souvenir
06. Reflex - Brittany
07. For You - Racer
08. Defying Gravity - Racer & The Firecats
09. Ba Ba Baby - The Flying Phlegm
10. Hold Me Tonight - Souvenir
11. Hearts on Fire - Ben Sharel
12. Boilin' Over - Ben Sharel

Making The Grade [1984]

"If you can't make it.. Fake it!"

Down the rough backstreets of Jersey, homeless bum and smalltime crook Eddie Keaton (Judd Nelson) is going about his day. What seems like a million miles away, rich kid Palmer Woodrow (Dana Olsen) is waking up in the lavish mansion he calls home. The only shared characteristic of both Eddie and Palmer is their inability to define the word 'work'. Things are about to change.

Having failed his few attempts at graduating, Palmer is now spending his days lounging around with a beer in one hand and a golf club in the other. Lacking the supervision of parents and taking full advantage of the fact, the last thing he expects to be faced with is any kind of ultimatum regarding his future. Unluckily for him, his worst nightmare is about to come true: he is enrolled at preppy heaven, Hoover Academy. And the only alternative is to venture out into the big wide world and get himself a job. With his entire trust fund and bachelor-boy existence in jeopardy, Palmer - to much disdain - settles on the first option. Of course, in comes the catch..

On the run from mindless gangsters who are out to recover the three thousand dollars that is owed to them, street kid Eddie makes a dash for the nearest means of refuge. And refuge comes in the form of a locker room in the exclusive golf club just a stone's throw away.

"You know what the joke of this whole prep school thing is?" says Palmer, as he wanders into the locker room with best friend Rand following an unsuccessful round of golf. "My parents won't even know if i'm there or not. And that's what really bugs me. Who knows any poor people? If I did i'd hire one to go to school for me and i'd be off to Europe. Hey.. you know something? Nobody at that school knows what I look like. My father'll be traipsing all over the world on business and my mother'll just be traipsing.. Why wouldn't it work? Pay some guy like five.. six hundred bucks a month and a bonus to graduate.." In comes luck - and in comes Eddie Keaton.

The new term at Hoover begins and the whole place is dominated by clean-cut kids and pastel coloured polo shirts; an image that is about to be shattered when Eddie pulls up in what was once a yellow cab. He glides out of the vehicle, kitted out in an getup stamped with 'Keaton' from head to toe. Of course the bright red suit, gold chains and sunglasses just wouldn't be complete without the accompanying ghetto blaster, quite literally blasting. Fitting in isn't exactly one of Eddies' strong points. Playing a convincing Palmer Woodrow is another issue altogether.

Assigned with the messy task of straightening out any of Eddies' slip ups, an unimpressed Rand schedules an immediate lesson on the laws of an American preppy. "Learn to love yellow and pink. Clothes, they should look like you inherited them from your older brother. Pants, now they should look like you outgrew them last year". Eddie quickly begins to have second thoughts on taking up such a monumental task. That is, until he spots the wealthy and gorgeous Tracey and falls head over heels in love with her. Who knew a good for nothing street kid would find love at a prep school?

So now it's a matter of winning over Tracey while still playing his best Palmer Woodrow, not to mention graduating. And don't forget those brainless gangsters, who are still eager to locate the three thousand bucks they are missing. Can Eddie pull it all off?

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

How can you not appreciate an overlooked comedy gem, starring Judd Nelson in his usual bad boy role? You can't. And while he nails the character of Eddie Keaton in a way no one else could, the majority of laughs and comedic talent is displayed in the shape of Dana Olsen as the 'real' Palmer Woodrow, breaking out lines like "(i'm the) exchange student from *BELCH* Slobovia" . To add to it, you've got Andrew 'Dice' Clay as the would-be bigshot gangster, threatening to break legs and take part in all other sorts of sinister procedures. Topping off the comedy is the hilarious Walter Olkewicz in the role of the overweight and uninspired phis ed teacher, Coach Wordman (who is introduced to us with a couple of hookers on his arm, declaring "IS IT SEPTEMBER ALREADY?!").

Though there aren't a whole lot of memorable moments, the scene on how to act and dress like a preppy has got to be one of if not the best of the entire movie, and the mockery of the '80s preppy lifestyle never fails to entertain. In fact, the horrendous fashions are enough to convince you to see Making the Grade, and explains exactly why the alternative movie title is The Last American Preppy. But it doesn't end there either! You've got an extremely dated, almost one hundred percent synthesized soundtrack, to which Judd Nelson at one point performs an entire breakdance routine. I'm not joking.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

Only 1000 CD copies of the soundtrack were pressed and there are a lot of fakes floating around - the LP is an easier and cheaper option! A little bit of trivia regarding the singer Shandi: a popular pick for '80s teen movie tracks, her song "7 Day Heaven" was used in the 1984 beach movie Where The Boys Are '84.

1. Hoover Academy

2. Palmer’s Mansion / Robin Hood
3. Biff and Muffy
4. Cary Grant
5. Fire Drill / La Crosse / Hoover Award
6. Diceman’s Dilemma / Shopping for Preppies
7. Violins for Muffy
8. Good Fortune
9. Nicky buys Hoover / Horse Play / 1st Call to Breakfast
10. Class Act / Good Presents
11. Graduation
12. Love Montage
13. Golf Chase
14. Making the Grade
15. Come If You Want To - Michael Linn & Richard Kraft
16. Living on the Edge - Shandi
17. Double Trouble - Shandi
18. The Diceman Cometh - Larry Lee & Shandi Sinnamon

Weekend Pass [1984]

"72 hours of liberty to forget everything the Navy ever taught them"

Three navy recruits - Webster, Bunker and Fricker - are given their first weekend pass which they use to spend 72 hours partying in LA. But before leaving boot camp, the guys decide to have a little mercy on fellow recruit and friendless nerd, Lester Gidley, who ends up tagging along on their party-hard three day trip.

First stop - unsurprisingly - strip club, where they fail in their attempts to pick up any women. So it's off to Venice beach, girl picking-up attempt #2, where Bunker sets his sights on aerobics instructor Tina Wells. Trying to impress her and failing miserably leads the boys to their next stop, an aerobics center where Bunker's dream girl works. Again, Bunker's offers for a date are turned down, but he isn't about to give up.

Back at the motel, Webster is scouring the newspaper and finds an ad for 'Kimono My Place Massage', which he and the guys decide to call, setting Lester up a date with 'Chop Suzi'. They have a fun time of spying on him while the Thai massage 'pro' does her stuff.

Next day and the boys are off on a tour around LA with Bunker leading the way through Melrose Avenue, home to 'the baddest clothes in all of Los Angeles'. Once they leave the New Wave neighbourhood, they head off to Bunker's old turf, which turns out to be a bad idea when the guys come face to face with a gang from Bunker's past, known as the Mau Maus. Dressed (badly) in bright orange and animal print with cut off vests and headbands, the Mau Maus, complete with war drums blasting out of their boom box, challenge Bunker to a fight. Alls well that ends well when the cops show up just in time to stop a fist bashing.

Later that evening, the arrogant Fricker gets himself a stand up gig at a place known as the comedy castle, which is again another bad idea when he stinks out the audience totally and completely. The only upside is the fact he meets fellow comedienne and Catholic girl Heidi. Meanwhile, Webster is on a disastrous date with the annoyingly fake Cindy, who he ditches at the last minute.

Sunday - the final day of freedom - and the guys go along to a dance. Fricker inviting Heidi, Bunker convincing Tina to show, Lester miraculously setting up his own date with a girl called Tawny, and Webster going alone until meeting Tawny's pretty cousin Maxine. Finally, the guys have fulfilled their wishes for the weekend, and, having each met the girl of their dreams, it's off to boot camp once again.

VERDICT: ★

I don't think it can be put much simpler: don't see it. Weekend Pass is an indistinguishably boring flick from Crown that has virtually no redeeming qualities. The only novelty and plus note about the whole movie is the array of early '80s LA scenery - beaches, nightlife, and especially the underground hotspot, Melrose Avenue, which was a real fun little segment of film. It really captures the New Wave crowd of the times (if only for a few minutes) and it's great to catch a glimpse of what is described on Wikipedia as:

"The eastern end of the district, which runs from Fairfax to Highland Avenue, became a popular underground and new wave shopping area in the early 1980s, featuring the opening of stores such as Vinyl Fetish and Retail Slut, both of which closed several years ago. The Burger That Ate L.A., a landmark fast food stand, was replaced with a Starbucks in recent years, and the area has witnessed an upsurge in tourism and a significant decrease of the underground and countercultural elements. The original Johnny Rockets opened in this part of Melrose in 1986."

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Weekend Pass - Robbie Baer
2. All Night Love - Robbie Baer & Beth Beaudin
3. Hard As A Rock - Michael Fennelly
4. Beach Nut - John & Robbie Baer
5. LA Extra (Read About Me) - John Baer
6. Free Me From The Night Life - Andrea Robinson

Beat Street [1984]

"Get down, brother, shuffle those feet, shake a little boogie to the sound of that beat"

New York. The Bronx. '84. Amateur musician Kenny (Guy Davis) has one aspiration in life; for his beats to be heard. Mixing all kinds of sounds and music, his original talent deserves much more than the confines of his bedroom, which he shares with his little brother and New York Breakers member, Lee (Robert Taylor). After losing an older brother years earlier, their mother isn't too pleased with their antics.

Ramon, Kenny's best friend, is a Puerto Rican kid with an uptight father and a passion for graffiti. With his art splashed all over the neighbourhood and more specifically, subway trains, he is determined to earn a name for himself, much to the dissatisfaction of his girlfriend's family.

Throw in the wannabe manager and business-savvy Chollie (Leon W. Grant), and you've got one hell of a gang, with one hell of a dream.

Local club the Roxy is the backdrop for b-boy battles and a hotspot for breakin', with Lee and the New York Breakers flaunting their moves wherever and whenever possible. The competition is hot between Lee's gang and the Rock Steady Crew, continually bursting out into break-offs to prove the better of the two. Not only a display of b-boying, the Roxy is the scene of Kenny's DJ sets, in hope that he'll manage to get himself noticed and make it big sooner or later. But it's Lee who gets the first break, meeting New York College choreographer Tracy (Rae Dawn Chong). Turning out to be the source of some welcomed inspiration, Tracy tapes some of his moves and encourages him to continue pursuing his dreams. However, romance soon blossoms between Tracy and Kenny, both sharing an interest in music.

After working his way up the food-chain, Kenny is hired for gigs at the Burning Spear, and with the help of entrepreneur Chollie, is approached by a talent scout who is impressed by his showcase at the club. Before he knows it, Kenny is offered a large-scale New Year's gig back at the Roxy.

Meanwhile, Ramon has plans for some major subway art, spotting a clean white train that in his opinion needs to be made beautiful. But tragedy strikes when the once-anonymous vandal tagger Spit decides to deface Ramon's newest work, leading to a scuffle on the railway tracks between the two graffiti artists. It all ends in tears, with both Spit and Ramon being electrocuted and killed in front of Kenny's eyes.

The group is mortified, especially Kenny, who has by now lost interest in almost everything, including his big upcoming gig. But he comes up with a plan that will not only make for a sublime show, but also a tribute to his best friend.

VERDICT: ★★★★

Beat Street, released directly after Breakin', has often been referred to as a 'knock-off' of it's so-called predecessor. In actual fact, contrary to immediate assumption, the two movies have less in common than you'd expect. For one thing, Beat Street manages to merge every single aspect of hip-hop perfectly. You see the movie from each of the characters' perspectives, and each character deals with a different aspect of the scene. It isn't disjointed at all, like you might think. Whereas Breakin' is set in LA, the goings on in Beat Street are all centred around the Bronx. Saying that, you might expect the film to be more grittier than it actually is, because like most '80s movies, some of the plot is a little sugar-coated, especially the romance between Rae Dawn Chong and Guy Davis.

If anything, i'd compare Beat Street to the 1983 movie Wild Style. Both movies were filmed in identical locations - and when I say identical, I mean identical - down to the same streets, even. Of all of these movies that apparently stole from one another, this movie is the better of the lot.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

The soundtrack had been planned as a three-part release by Atlantic Records, who for some reason decided to get rid of the third installment. Many of the artists on both soundtracks actually appeared in the movie, which only adds to the appeal of the film.

1. Beat Street Breakdown - Grandmaster Melle Mel

2. Baptize the Beat - The System
3. Strangers in a Strange World - Jenny Burton & Patrick Jude
4. Frantic Situation - Afrika Bambaataa
5. Beat Street Strut - Juicy
6. US Girls - Sha Rock, Debbie D
7. This Could Be The Night - Cindy Mizelle
8. Breaker's Revenge - Arthur Baker
9. Tu Carino/Carmen's Theme - Ruben Blades

1. Son of Beat Street - Jazzy Jay
2. Give Me All - Juicy
3. Nothin's Gonna Come Easy - Tina B
4. Santas' Rap - The Treacherous Three
5. It's Alright By Me - Jenny Burton
6. Battle Cry - Rocker's Revenge
7. Phony 4 MCs - Ralph Rolle
8. Into the Night - La La

Yup. Enough to make an old school hip-hop lovers' mouth water.

Splitz [1984]

"We wish this movie was about sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.. but two out of three ain't bad."

Hooter college students Gina (Robin Johnson), Joan and Susie are three feisty rock chicks with high hopes. They've got their own band, the Splitz, but with no manager and no gigs aren't getting far in the music biz. This is where fellow Hooter student Chuck, in the midst of a 2 year scholarship, steps in. With big ambitions of fame and fortune within the music industry, the girls decide he is their best bet. Things start off slow, with Chuck only just managing to scrape together one crummy gig in a bar full of rednecks (which, funnily enough, was filmed in CBGB's).

Meanwhile, conniving Hooter College dean (Shirley Stoler) has been instructed that one sorority house must be demolished to make way for a sewage plant. With the help of the snarky Delta Phi girls, the dean plans an athletics tournament in order to rid the school of the Phi Beta sorority house - a bunch of unpopular misfits who, in the dean's eyes, the school could do without. Settling on three sports contests in all; football, wrestling and basketball, the venomous dean begins her underhand tactics and game one begins.

The football match quickly turns into a joke, with the Delta Phi's making every devious move they can. But when the Splitz girls notice that the Phi Beta's are turning into shark bait, the ballsy Gina joins their team and begins to fight back. After pulling nearly every trick in the book, the Delta Phi's thrash the Beta's, and Gina and the girls are determined to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Gina, Joan and Susie then come up with a scam, in the hopes of getting their own back with a bit of blackmail. Hunting down the dean's harebrained husband, they photograph him in an altogether questionable position, and, showing the dean their embarrassing evidence, she agrees to their demands. Fixing the rules of the next two games, the Delta Phi's are forced to wrestle in their underwear, being upstaged and eventually beaten by the Phi Beta's.

There's one more tournament to go, and, intent on humiliating the Delta's one last time, the game is re-named; strip basketball. With the Beta's raring to go, Gina and Susie wonder where bandmate Joan has disappeared to. The game begins and Joan - the Beta's best player - is still nowhere to be seen. Locked in the changing room next door by the Delta Phi's, and knowing that the team won't last without her, Joan manages to breakout. In the nick of time, the Delta's are annihilated.

Calling Gina, Joan, Susie and Chuck to her office, the dean excludes them all for unfair sportsmanship - even though the entire phony competition was her idea in the first place. With his full scholarship down the drain in an instance, Chuck is desperate. He wants to make himself, and the Splitz, a success. Calling for the help of his sex obsessed cousin Vinnie and gangster inlaws, they set up a gig for the band at the biggest club in town, 'The Palace'. Needless to say, the girl's pull off such an immense gig, that they are signed on the spot for a $20,000 recording deal. But not before they manage to humiliate the dean in front of the entire club!

VERDICT: ★ ½

Splitz, a movie that boasts one of Robin Johnson's larger roles, aint trying to be anything it's not. Lost among the thousands of teen T&A flicks out there, and bearing a grand total of 29 IMDB votes, it, unsurprisingly, is not referred to too fondly. But when you pick up a videotape and the first sentence of the synopsis contains the words 'Hooter College sorority house' and 'sewage treatment plant', I honestly can't give you any sympathy if you pressed play and expected John Hughes. The video case has two errors on it anyway, one of which being a pretty major one - calling Robin Johnson Robin Robinson for starters.

Shirley Stoler is pretty hilarious in her role as the dean, in a senseless, dumb kinda way. The final scene is so bad, it goes past being good, and back round to bad again. But that's okay, 'cause by that point, we don't know whether to laugh, or, in the words of mister band-manager Chuck, find a tree to hang ourselves from.

The good aspect of this movie is that the (nonexistent) soundtrack has a life of it's own. Among the tunes are two Blondie tracks, which always manage to put a smile on your face. The music of the Splitz isn't too bad either - not that the girls make a convincing rock band, but that whoever the underpaid sod was who had to sit and write the songs did a pretty good job. It's also quite sad to watch Robin Johnson in this movie - she could have gotten much further in life than lost sexploitation b-movies.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

None available.

Surf II [1984]

"The end of the trilogy!"

Crazed nerd Menlo Schwartz (Eddie Deezen) wants revenge. Revenge on the surfer dudes who decided to play a cruel practical joke back in high school, and spike his soda with god-knows-what. From that day onwards, Schwartz vowed to get his own back on surfer kids near and far, hatching a plan that only an evil nerd genius would come up with.

After transforming his girlfriend - the nerdiest girl in the school - into the gorgeous 'Sparkle' (by taking off her glasses), Schwartz is one step closer to surf-dude domination. Using her to lure pothead surfers to his underwater lair, he forces them to drink his chemical concoction, 'Buzzz Cola'. It's not long before several surfers are terrorizing locals, with Buzzz Cola turning them into garbage-chomping punk rock zombies, with a sweet tooth for motor oil and fish carcases.

Mayhem continues until fellow surfster Chuck (Eric Stolz, of all people) and his best mate Bob discover that something is wrong. Suspicions point towards the toxic sludgefest that is Buzzz Cola, and the two enlist the help of their determined but mad science teacher Beaker to crack the case. Luckily, Schwartz's reluctant sidekick Sparkle decides to help the guys out too, spilling the beans about his plans for world domination and the true horror behind Buzzz Cola.

The unlikely four rush off (in their home-made convertible!) to find Chuck and Bob's parents, where they find their dads selling crate upon crate of Buzzz. Try as they might to convince their parents that the drink is turning kids into zombie punks, the grown-ups won't have any of it.

Eventually, Schwartz's plain is foiled and he is washed up on the beach and thrown in the back of a cop car. After greedily refusing to stop selling Buzzz because of their enormous profits, Bob and Chuck's dads end up getting a taste of their own medicine, and everyone lives happily ever after.

VHS box;

"Surf 2 begins where other movies leave off.. as the Surf Wars continue when a screwy mad genius pollutes the ocean with Buzz Cola, a concoction that threatens to turn all surfers on the coast into Surf Punks, a mindless crew led by Schwartzer. In true blue American fashion, Chuck, Cindylou, Lindysue, Chief of Police (Lyle Waggoner), the high school science teacher and the entire Town Council go to war against Sparkle, Queen of the Punks (Linda Kerridge) and Schwartzer for control of Surf City.. or control of anything!

It's dynamite fun in the sun, featuring the soundtrack of The Beach Boys, Split Enz, Stray Cats and many more. This movie is so far out of sight, it gives insanity a bad name!"

The best part of the whole movie has to be the Buzzz Cola jingle at the beginning..

No matter what the menu, Buzzz makes every meal complete. We guarantee that it can wash out anything you eat.

But after those first 30 or so seconds, get ready for a brain freeze, 'cause just about every scene is either unfunny, repulsive, idiotic or just plain bad.

But wait! It isn't an endless downward spiral with Surf II, oh no. Us viewers must thank it for a few reasons; we get to listen to some more than half-decent tunes over a one and a half hour period. A handful of top-class new wave bands, with a sprinkling of the Beach Boys, of course to have a dig at the various beach party and surf movies that Surf II tries too hard to spoof.

Secondly, we can feast our eyes on what my good friend Tommy Salami rightfully describes as "the lowest form of life in 80's movies" - the zombified surf 'punks' (complete with safety-pinned wetsuits and too much black and white face make-up).

And lastly, we should thank it for the fact that, despite what the title implies, we were only subjected to one of these movies.

2.5/10

If you liked this movie, you'd be pretty much content with watching anything.

Here's the sad part; that awesome soundtrack I waxed lyrical over? IT NEVER EXISTED! The titles at the end of the movie claim the soundtrack to be available on Capitol Records, but they lied. It was planned to be released sometime after the movie, but when the movie bombed, they never bothered with the soundtrack. You'd imagine, what with both the European and American VHS cases endlessly listing all the great bands the film features, that someone would bother to bring out the album to go with it. But no. Which, in my opinion, is an epic fail.

1. I Get Around - The Beach Boys
2. Stoked - The Beach Boys
3. Surfin' USA - The Beach Boys
4. Pipeline - The Chantays
5. Moral Majority - The Circle Jerks
6. A.W.O.L. - Deserters
7. The Wedge - Dick Dale
8. She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby
9. Fuel Injected - Jon & the Nightriders
10. Surf Jam - Jon & the Nightriders
11. Hold Me Back - Oingo Boingo
12. Only a Lad - Oingo Boingo
13. Cry - Johnny Ray
14. Fan Fan Fanatish - Rheingold
15. Six Months In A Leaky Boat - Split Enz
16. Built for Speed - Stray Cats
17. Talk Talk - Talk Talk
18. Dancebeat - The Untouchables
19. Hawaii Five-O - The Ventures
20. Mexican Radio - Wall of Voodoo

See, I would quite happily have bought that album and played it over and over. I have no idea if a test-copy was ever pressed, but maybe, just maybe, some really rare LP is floating around. Probably in a box in someones garage, never to see the light of day.

Savage Streets [1984]

"SAVAGE STREETS - Where the only rule is 'an eye for an eye.'"

Meet the Satins - a gang of streetsmart senior-year girlfriends lead by tough Brenda (Linda Blair). The girls; Maria, Stella, Stevie, Rachel and Brenda's best friend Francine are out to have fun rather than cause trouble. But one night whilst looking after Brenda's mute sister Heather and hanging out along Hollywood Boulevard, the Satins run into a gang of ruthless punks - the Scars. Heather is almost run down by the gang - Fargo, Red, Vince and leader Jake - in their flashy convertible. The Satins are furious with the gang and demand an apology, but the Scars couldn't care less and drive off into the night. Later on, the girls spot the convertible parked at the side of the road and decide that it's about time for some payback - they steal the car and end up leaving it trashed. By this point, leader of the Scars, Jake, is furious.

It is nearing the end of the day and Brenda and the girls are working out in the gym. Outside the Scars are lingering, causing trouble as usual, until they spot Heather headed towards the gym and, realising she was involved in the trashing of their car, hatch a sickening plan for revenge.

Class is over and Brenda and the girls hit the showers, with Heather left alone in the deserted gymnasium. She is then approached by Scars member Red, who tricks the deaf & innocent girl until she realises something is wrong and attempts to make a run for it. The other gang members, however, are waiting at every exit. They grab her and drag her away, and by the time the girls come to meet her she is nowhere to be found.

It is then that Maria finds an unconscious, bruised and bloodied Heather in separate shower cubicles - where she was left by the vicious Scars after raping her. She is taken to hospital immediately and Brenda is distraught when told her sister might not make it through.

The Satins then end up in a local bar, trying to figure out how to get any kind of justice for Heather. They realise that nobody but themselves are going to want to get involved and Brenda vows revenge on the culprits - without knowing they are sitting across from them in the bar. Later on, the Scars spot Francine and grab her, she struggles to get away and with the help of a switchblade, cuts Jake's cheek.

The next day the girls plan to meet up after school, with Francine off to get her wedding dress beforehand. When walking to meet them, she is spotted by the Scars, who drive after her across a bridge. She tries to escape the gang but with no luck - Jake grabs her, screaming, and throws her to her death.

With her sister in hospital and best friend dead, Brenda snaps. Armed with bear traps and a crossbow (and leather catsuit!), she sets out on a bloody vengeance battle, and straightens things out once and for all between her and the Scars.

VERDICT: ★★★

Savage Streets is an awesome '80s exploitation gang flick. You'll definitely want to cheer the brilliant Linda Blair on, her coming out with lines like; "Too bad you're not double-jointed.. because if you were, you'd be able to bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!".

This is trash of the hilariously brilliant sort. If you're in need of some ideas for a bit of revenge, you'll get plenty from this one!

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Justice for One - John Farnham

2. Innocent Hearts - John Farnham
3. The Quiet Ones You Gotta Watch - John Farnham
4. Cry - 3 Speed
5. Theme (Nothing's Gonna Stand in Our Way) - John Farnham
6. Nothing's Gonna Stand in Our Way - John Farnham
7. Exploding Bullets - Real Life
8. In the Night - Michael Bradley
9. Killer - Michael Bradley
10. Justice For One (Reprise) - John Farnham

The Wild Life [1984]

"It's Casual!"

Enter a stereo-carrying Ilan Mitchell-Smith. Blasting out "Born to be Wild", he sneaks into a dark and dingy school corridor, sits himself down, lights himself a cigarette, and air guitars whilst sipping a beer. No sooner than he cracks his can open a torch is shone in his face, and a rather pissed off janitor bellows "school doesn't start till next week"! Making a casual exit he steps out the front of the building.. and decides to behead the school monument with a stick of dynamite on his way out!

Soon we are introduced to the whole lot, secondly Tom Drake (Chris Penn), a wild party animal who couldn't care about anything apart from his girlfriend - store assistant Eileen (Jenny Wright).

Then we've got Eric Stolz - sensible and hardworking, with a job in the local bowling alley working aside Tom Drake. Finally there's Lea Thompson, Eric's ex-girlfriend, who spends most of her time out the back of the donut shop where she works, fumbling with a horny older guy - who happens to be a cop!

Bill Conrad (Eric Stolz) is itching to grow up and get a place of his own, away from his army obsessed brother Jim (Ilan-Mitchell-Smith). He hunts down an apartment, barely affording the security deposit. After some convincing, Chris Penn moves in as his roommate. But things don't go too smoothly from here on in!

Anita (Lea Thompson) is still having a great time with her man - that is, until, she sets out to find him one night when he stands her up, and ends up discovering a whole lot more than she expected.

Meanwhile, Tom Drake is desperately in love with his girlfriend. But when Eileen confesses she's sick of his immature behaviour, she breaks up with him. Enter Eileen's boss - Rick Moranis - who attempts to arrange a cosy little get together for the two of them after admitting that he's had a thing for her since the day she started working for him.

What follows is a wild romp - destructive house parties, strip club punch-ups, almost-exploding cop cars, and a whole lot more fun.

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

The Wild Life is, well, wild. It lives up to the "unofficial Fast Times sequel" status and while not being quite as cool and witty as Ridgemont High, it does a pretty damn good job, and it makes total sense that it has now become a cult classic. It's a real shame that this is such an overlooked entry in '80s teen cinema as the majority of the flick is incredibly well-crafted, with memorable scenes and even more memorable characters. The opening sequence is awesome as hell, and just makes you wanna rock out with Ilan Mitchell-Smith.

Only one real down side to The Wild Life, and it is this: the disappointment you will feel after watching, when you come to the realisation that you, nor any of your friends during your teen years, were as cool as the characters in this movie.

IMAGES/VIDEOS:

Coming soon!

SOUNDTRACK:

Coming soon!

Where the Boys Are '84 [1984]

"When girls want a vacation filled with sun, fun and romance, they go ... Where the Boys Are"

And Where the Boys are, is of course Fort Lauderdale. Four college girl-friends decide to take a Spring vacation to sunny Florida, in the hope of getting a bit more excitement than their usual college lives. Jennie, the blonde and beautiful classical music lover, Carole, the one with a "steady" boyfriend and a secret wild side, Laurie, who drools over the thought of Conan the Barbarian and Sandra, a slightly prudish Texan brunette.

Their trip begins as they pick up hunky roadside rocker, Scott Nash, who too is coincidentally headed for the sun-drenched Fort Lauderdale. But when they arrive at a manic hotel full of crazy college kids and not-so-nice rooms, the girls are less than pleased.

Soon they are hitting the beach and local clubs, with Sandra managing to hook up her cousin, Camden Roxbury with Jennie, who admires his work as a classical pianist. Whilst on their date at a club, it turns out that the girls' hunky travelling crony Scott is working there. When he spies Jennie with the nerdy Camden Roxbury, he stresses out.

When Camden leaves Jennie after a measly few minutes chat, her and the girls party hard for the rest of the night. After downing one too many drinks, the apparently demure Sandra has to be dragged out to the car by Laurie, who saves her from embarrassingly stripping on a table in the middle of the club. The car is then smashed into the doorway of a hotel and both Sandra and Laurie are arrested, with Sandra slurring as many insults as she can come up with before being thrown in a cell for the night. Meanwhile, Jennie and Scott end up leaving the club together and things seem to be getting cosier between them until Jennie decides that things aren't right.

The next day comes and Carole and Jennie realise they need to bail the girls out of jail somehow. Carole then ends up entering a "hot bod" contest to attempt to win the cash prize. After coming second, enough cash is scraped together but only enough for Laurie to be released. Sandra is then left, miserable and alone in the cell, where she meets potential Mr-Right; a police officer, who decides to finally let her go.

Later on the girls end up at a somewhat formal gathering in the super-stylish home belonging to Camden Roxbury's mother. They mingle for a while, until the word gets out that a "party" is going on, and soon the chic mansion is being trashed by hundreds of boozed up teens. Jennie is busy practically kissing the ground that Camden walks on, as he plays her his masterpieces on piano. Scott interrupts, and Camden is soon left looking like a complete asshole. Jennie quickly makes her way out to the car to leave, with Scott following her and attempting a kiss. She's having none of it and heads on to the car, only to find that Carole is also keen to leave. Turns out that Chip, Carole's boyfriend had been following her every move; watching her strut her stuff in the "hot bod" contest. He winds up at the party, but Carole sees him with another girl.

Somewhere in between all this, Sandra discovers that the cop she's been dating actually has a wife and kid, and Laurie, after finding her Conan, learns that he's actually a male prostitute.

The film ends with all four of the girls getting their wishes, but in completely different ways than they'd imagined.

VERDICT: ★★★

Once you attempt to brush aside the fact that these "college co-eds" are actually thirty-something housewives (and look it!), you're on your way to having fun in the Ft. Lauderdale sun, '80s style.

Other than the amazingly corny ending, Where the Boys are '84 is an enjoyable girlie beach flick. If you remember vacationing in Florida during the '80s, it'll be a huge nostalgia trip. With it just scraping a 2.0 rating on imdb, and apparently being a huge box office flop at the time, Where the Boys are '84 definitely aint no masterpiece. But what do you expect? If you're looking for masterpieces, I have no idea why you're here.

Stop hating on Where the Boys are '84, and take a vacation.

IMAGES/VIDEOS:

Coming soon!

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Where The Boys Are - Lisa Hartman
2. Hot Nights - Jude Cole
3. Seven Day Heaven - Shandi
4. Mini-Skirted - Sparks
5. Be-Bop-A-Lula - The Rockats
6. Jennie - Peter Beckett
7. Woman's Wise - The Rockats
8. Girl's Night Out - Toronto
9. Slippin' & Sliddin - Seymour
10. All Fired Up - Rick Derringer