80's Teen Movies :: the classic, the obscure & everything in between: 2.5/5

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Higher Education [1987]

"Have you got yours yet?"

Yeah, I know whatchur thinkin'. Typical '80s teen-oriented skinflick. The problem is, that is what this tries to be, when in actual fact is really isn't.

This little slice of teendom is straight outta Canada, and straight outta the script for the '83 flick My Tutor. You know, horny kid + hot new teacher (who also happens to be, er, horny?) = intense student/teacher relationship! Woah. What differentiates this one from the rest is the unexpectedly serious tone. At points it tries to convince you it is actually bordering on straight-faced drama. Then all of a sudden it snaps back into that whole zany, screwball madness, leaving you wondering what in the name of Alpha and Omega is gonna happen next. Technically speaking we know what's going to happen since we've seen it all before: We've got the guy this whole movie centers around, naive Andy (Kevin Hicks), a new-to-the-city lad from the sticks. We get to enjoy a nice bus ride with Andy as his makes his way to college and first sets eyes on the smokin' hot art tutor Nicole (Lori Hallier). Not forgetting the catchy little riff from the opening titles ("Out on a Limb" by the wouldya have guessed Canadian rockers Eye Eye. Seriously, check that shit out. The lead singer is rockin' that badass aqua-netted hairdo and dangly earrings look).

What seems to be a gigantic staple in any movie of this kind: baddies. Gangster types who virtually have no relevance to anything, an IQ less than that of a wet paper bag and 250 pounds extra weight around their middle. Unfortunately for our friend Andy, his new room-mate is the son of one of those types. Around this time, he meets the arty goddess Carrie (Isabelle Mejias) and her rather odd sidekick - for lack of a better word - Gladys (Jennifer Inch). You will recognise these gals if you happen to be familiar with the Canadian rarity Heavy Metal Summer, another zany guilty pleasure flick that only about 6 people in the world can probably remember.

Pretty soon, Andy and Carrie have hooked up and things between 'em are getting heavy. Meanwhile, Carrie's room mate Gladys only has eyes for the scooter riding leather-clad dude with an attitude, who calls himself Droid. The pair turn out to be the biggest spectacle of the movie and their fashions statements easily out-bad Isabelle Mejias' yellow & red Maccy D's employee inspired outfits. Then of course we have Andy's new best mate Dean who is swimming in money and likes to think he's swimming in girls. He's got a major crush on Carrie and would choose the girl over friendship any day of the week.

Art class is starting to pay off for Andy, who has his work chosen to be displayed in a gallery. Carrie's nose is put right out of joint over the whole thing - especially when her boyfriend is obviously turning into star pupil - but nothing prepares her for the real meaning of teachers' pet! Our cheeky chap Andy, it seems, has been having it off with the tutor! And we're not talking just one drunken accident here. He's workin' against the clock to fit both Carrie and Nichole into his busy schedule, at it seems to be going smoothly, until.. HOLY SHIT! He's only gone and knocked up the art teacher!

So, that's the end for Carrie and Andy, then? Oh come on, this is the '80s!!

VERDICT: ★★ ½

You know. Movies like this one are your dime-a-dozen sort. By the time you've seen a few, your brain can't really distinguish between 'em and they all just melt into one. In a few months time you'll probably have forgotten you even saw the thing.

But honestly, Higher Education isn't all bad. It does suffer from multiple personality disorder, as mentioned earlier, flitting between decent dramedy and flat-joked slapstick. The vhs cover makes it die a slow and painful death, instantly flinging itself into the R-rated T&A category, when in all fairness it doesn't belong there. If that was the kind of movie they were initially aiming for, they shoulda stuck to their guns and gotten rid of all the serious stuff in the script. Maybe it would have worked better that way. Any kid who rented this back in the day expecting an evening of raunchiness would have no doubt gotten bored before the halfway mark. So really, Higher Education was doomed from the beginning. Unless you are a die hard fan of Isabelle Mejias or are intent on expanding your knowledge of forgotten Canadian cinema, I can't see why anyone would go out of their way to see it, which is kinda harsh on this poor, misunderstood film. Though in terms of laugh-out-loud teen comedies from the same region, Breaking All The Rules is your best bet. Hell, even Heavy Metal Summer isn't a bad choice.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

Guys, seriously. You gotta check out that lot Eye Eye. The entire, unreleased soundtrack consists of Canadian pop-rock!

1. Love is Fire - The Parachute Club
2. Can't Hold On - Double Dare
3. Out on a Limb - Eye Eye
4. Electric Honey - The Partland Brothers
5. Close My Eyes - Paul Janz
6. This is How it's Done - Louis Tucci and The Sharp Set
7. Going Going Gone - Louis Tucci and The Sharp Set

Pick-Up Summer AKA Pinball Summer [1980]

"School's out and everything's in!"

Pick-Up Summer, or the more aptly titled Pinball Summer, is a slapstick Canadian teen comedy that begins on the last day of school and ends, presumably, towards the end of summer at the big(?) local pinball tournament. The plot, or lack of one, centers around the teenagers who populate the rowdy-but-cool O.J.'s Fast Food Restaurant and Pete's, an amusement arcade complete with its very own mascot cheerleaders. The arcade, being the spot where all the kids hang out, is home to endless brawls (and as much as we'd hoped to see Principal Vernon walk through the door and ask what's that ruckus, it wasn't to be) and a helluva lot of commotion, resulting in complaints from the uptight residents of the town. But if all the Pete's protesters reckon their complaining'll do anything to straighten out the loudmouthed teens, they've got another think comin'.

First on the agenda for main characters Greg and Steve and their girlfriends Donna and Suzy is to terrorize the dorky neighbourhood rich boy, but not before being harassed by the leather-clad, motorbike riding hard nut of the town, Bert. But when the pinball championship trophy is stolen, the kids are less worried about picking fights, quick fumbles and days at the amusement park than they are of finding the trophy for themselves. And when it falls into the hands of Bert and the biker gang, Greg and Steve hatch a plan to steal it back, hiding it in a place where no one would think to look. Well, no one except overweight, under-brained and butt-of-all-jokes Pete's employee named Whimpy, who later discovers the trophy hidden inside a pinball machine.

Striking up a deal with Bert who is eager to relocate the trophy he so cunningly hijacked in the first place, Whimpy tucks his new find away and heads off to discuss business. Bert agrees to get Whimpy laid in exchange, but meanwhile, Pete, the uh.. owner of.. well, Pete's, strikes gold and accidentally discovers the senseless Whimpy's hiding place.

Greg, Steve, Donna and Suzy go for a cosy camp-out on the beach in the mean time, but are rudely interrupted by Bert's biker gang, who graffiti the side of Steve's van as revenge for their earlier altercation involving the trophy. But revenge works both ways, and Steve and Greg are unlikely to let their number one enemies outsmart them!

As all responsible *ahem* adults do in teen movies, Donna and Suzy's parents (oh, did I forget to mention? Greg and Steve's girlfriends are sisters) go away and leave their daughters in charge of the house for a while, which means only one thing. OUTRAGEOUS POOL PARTY TIME! The place is even complete with an arcade-sized pinball machine, which is used for an oh-so mature game of 'strip pinball' involving busty O.J.'s waitress Sally. It ain't called strip pinball for nothing! And it all seems like a genius idea, but the parents - who swiftly ground their daughters and their barely-clothed butts for a week - beg to differ. They still manage to sneak out to a disco in the middle of the night, though, and meet some guy dressed as John Travolta who offers them a ride in his jerk-mobile. And so begins the fifteen minute win the girl, lose the girl, win the girl routine, where Greg and Steve express their jealousy over the white-suited, black-booted, boogie-woogie asshole and his magic ability of picking up chicks - their chicks - after waving his arms like an epileptic goldfish (..with arms).

Now all that kerfuffle is done with and there are a few minutes left to spare, it's time for the actual pinball contest. The best players in town competing for the title of Pinball King. Greg VS Bert. Shall we guess how it ends? Not including the shot of waitress Sally trundling down the road on top of a speeding pinball machine, I mean.

VERDICT: ★★ ½

Oozing with total '70sness, Pinball Summer is a flick that ticks all the low budget teen sex comedy expectations boxes. But it doesn't exactly portray pinball as the most riveting of competitive sports. And if you've ever been beaten on by a badass biker, i'm sure you'll have a good belly laugh at the character of Bert, who is possibly the tamest, most non-threatening 'bully' to ever make it into a movie. Not to mention the fact he straps the pinball trophy to the front of his Honda in some kind of desperate attempt at displaying his manliness. Also, Carl Marotte and Michael Zelniker spend about half of their screen time making eyes at one another, or so it seems.

Believe you me, Pinball Summer does have a clever way of ingraining itself in your mind, (no, i'm not talking about the boobage) and for one scene and one scene only. Without spoiling it, all I will say is that it involves a drive-in movie and a very cleverly rigged-up voice over. Beyond that, the movie relies heavily on tiresome gags and gravity-defying stunts. But we can forgive it this time, can't we?

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

Someone with a lot more wisdom than myself has given me a shout to say that an OST for Pinball Summer was, actually, released on vinyl! But by the sounds of it, the chances of coming across a copy are few and far between.

1. Hot Wax - Denis Lepage
2. Gimme Your Love - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
3. Evil Woman - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
4. Do You Wanna Dance? - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
5. Pinball Summer - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
6. Wheel of Fortune - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
7. Summer Girls - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
8. Sally Joy - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
9. Can You Catch Me - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
10. Summer Magic - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
11. Voyeur's Motel - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier
12. Sweet Madness - Jay Boivin & Germain Gauthier

Summer Job [1989]

"Wanted: Irresponsible coeds to work in exotic pleasure spa. 'Experience' a must!"

When recruited as summer staff at a hot beach side resort, a bunch of (mainly too old to be) college coeds prepare themselves for the ultimate fun in the sun experience! Somehow, these lucky kids - comprising of a fat slob, cocky jock, daddies girl, surfer chick, cowboy, nerd, and a few other characters sporting obviously aqua-netted hairdos - beat the competition of the six hundred other applicants for the chance of a lifetime; a chance that doesn't begin too well for any of them.

With a psychotic chef in the kitchen; guests suffering from heart attacks at the sight of the room service girl; an obese woman (complete with splodgy sound effects) plodding after whichever lad she notices; a leery old guy chasing the scantily clad beach babes all hours of the day and a whole array of other disasters, the summer staff all begin to get tired of what they thought would be a few weeks of bliss.

Head of staff and UCLA college senior Kathy (Sherrie Rose) continues with her tight-ship work routine, earning herself an instant enemy in the form of filthy rich daddies girl, Barbara. Claws - and sharp ones at that - soon come out and after Barbara is humiliated by one of Kathy's clever pranks, daddies girl is on the warpath and guess who is right on route? Armed with a bottle of purple dye, conniving Barb fixes her new rival's bubble bath and the next night, Kathy is branded the 'purple pimpernel'. That isn't the end to the disasters and when the resort manager catches onto the commotion, Kathy loses her position as head of staff and is demoted to kitchen duties, saving the population of the beach the humiliation of seeing a purple-skinned resort worker. To top things off, Barbara is sacked, much to the satisfaction of the rest of the staff. But they haven't seen the last of her..

To make things worse for Kathy, she hears from her so-called boyfriend that he has been seeing someone else for weeks, so she and the other girls go out to exact revenge on more or less the entire male population of the resort. Meanwhile, the lads on staff try their hardest (no pun intended) at getting laid.

Just when the staff think the waves have settled and their end-of-summer leaving party is in sight, they get a nasty surprise. None other than bitch of the century, Barbara, checks in as a guest. Without hesitation, the staff agree they are in for one bumpy ride. So what do they do? Cook up - quite literally - a cunning plan of action! Can they pull it off and get even with the one person who is making their lives hell? And can they throw the most made-of-awesome leaving party in summer job history?

VERDICT:★★ ½

As far as spring break/summer beach movies go, Summer Job is a fun one. Look at it as a movie, and you'll be bummed out. But look at it as an '80s beach movie, realise that's all it is, and you'll be entertained. There are only a certain amount of things that you can put into a beach movie (sun, sea, sand and tanned bodies, to name the most of them) and none of those things are anything particularly substantial. So if you're looking for an intellectually stimulating experience (and I did said intellectually, as well as stimulating) then you're on the wrong tracks. Generally on the wrong tracks here at this site, I mean.

Summer Job does benefit from a good deal of humour, although it is largely pretty slapstick stuff. Unavoidably with these sorts of movies, the laughs are mostly unintentional, and the best part of the over-emphasised gags fall flat and will probably irritate you a little. Regardless, Summer Job is a double-sized slice of late '80s cinema that goes heavy on the cheese and not-so on the brain cells. Will it encourage you to nab yourself a summer job? Well, see it and find out.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

The song played during the opening credits is "All the Love I Need" by Ike Stubblefield and Kevin Quigley, and is one of the best tracks on the unsurprisingly out of print soundtrack.

1. You're All The Love I Need - Ike Stubblefield and Kevin Quigley
2. Hold On To Your Love - Orkestra
3. Sweet Lover - Jack Green
4. Lady Of The Night - Kenny Moore
5. Kathy's Theme - Ike Stubblefield
6. Some Kind Of Magic - Orkestra
7. Win Your Love - Jack Green
8. Give Me The Night - Ike Stubblefield and Debbie Fosten
9. Don't Turn Away - Orkestra
10. Bring On The Dancing Girls - Orkestra
11. Heartbeat - Ike Stubblefield and Kevin Quigley

Up The Academy [1980]

"The education they got wasn't in books"

What happens to a bunch of teenage misfits who piss off their parents? They get sent up the academy! And not just any academy.. Sheldon R. Wienberg Military School, run by '"say it again" Major Vaughn Liceman (Ron Leibman).

Our screwball bunch are made up of Chooch (Ralph Macchio), Ike (Wendell Brown), Hash (Tommy Citera) and Oliver (Hutch Parker), all eager.. or not, to enroll. Their fears are confirmed when they arrive and are promptly graced by the presence of the majorly unlikeable Liceman. Passing some nasty threats their way, Liceman has immediately made himself four new and determined-for-revenge enemies.

Pretty soon, Oliver hears that his girlfriend Candy has been shipped off to Butch Military Academy about 50 miles away. Telling the guys his plan to jump the fence and go see her, all but Chooch agree to help, the crazy Arabic kid Hash suggesting they use his car. By now the guys have a new roommate, goofball arsonist Rodney Ververgaert (Harry Teinowitz), who tags along with them to the girl's academy. Getting into a close shave with a couple of gas station owners, they race over to find Candy, her and Oliver getting it on the second he clambers through the window.

Sneaking back to Wienberg thinking they've made the all clear, the guys are bummed out when Major Liceman calls them to his office, waving some photos of Oliver & Candy's antics. Using them to blackmail the boys into hooking him up with Candy, a smug Liceman thinks he's set himself up a good deal. But he has no idea of whats to come!

Scheming to steal the photos back from Liceman's office in a conniving diversion plan, the boys make sure to keep hush around Chooch, who they've branded as Liceman's pet and the snitch of the bunch. But when Chooch sets out to prove his innocence, he uncovers the real rat of the gang: Ververgaert. With the guys aware of Vervegaert double-crossing them, they conjure up a new plan of action and the ultimate revenge tactic!

The annual Wienberg-Butch Academy dance arrives and the plan is well underway. Kidnapping Vervegaert, the boys have Liceman's one and only informant held hostage, meaning they can get down to business with humiliating Major jackass, which turns out to be way easier than they expected!

Of course, this isn't the end of the pranks, and the boys have one more trick up their sleeves that's guaranteed to permanently rid Wienberg of Liceman and his villainous ways!

VERDICT: ★★ ½

Disowned by MAD Magazine who were too embarrassed to admit it was their film, you'd expect Up The Academy to be totally, horrendously bad. Actually, it's nowhere near as terrible as it is made out to be, and does have some fairly funny gags; "You don't wet your bed, do you?" "No, I generally just piss over the side". Think.. a cheap imitation of Animal House.

The reason Up The Academy gets my praise is because it has the most awesomely brilliant soundtrack on the face of the earth. And paired with brainless humour, it makes the movie worth watching. Don't expect to get anything substantial out of this flick; this is one school where intelligence isn't on the menu!

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

Coming soon!

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Kicking Up A Fuss (Main Title Theme) - Blow Up
2. X Offender - Blondie
3. Roadrunner - Jonathan Richman and the Modern Lovers
4. We Gotta Get Out Of Here - Ian Hunter
5. Coquette - Cheeks
6. Boney Moronie - Cheeks

7. We Live For Love - Pat Benatar
8. Bad Reputation - Sammy Hagar
9. Midnight Rendezvous - The Babys
10. Beat The Devil - Blow Up

Not featured on the soundtrack;

1. Local Hero - Blow Up
2. Gimme Danger - Iggy & the Stooges
3. Night Theme - Iggy & the Stooges
4. Trying To Find My Baby - Dwight Twilley Band
5. One Way Or Another - Blondie
6. Do Anything You Wanna Do - Eddie And The Hot Rods
7. Yes Sir, No Sir - The Kinks
8. Street Hassle - Lou Reed
9. Rat Trap - The Boomtown Rats
10. Girls - David Johansen
11. Heart Of The City - Nick Lowe
12. Surrender - Cheap Trick

Gleaming the Cube [1989]

"When getting even means risking it all"

Slacker Brian Kelly (Christian Slater) has only one interest in life: skating. Envious of his adopted Vietnamese brother Vinh who seems to have it all - perfect grades, a perfect girlfriend, and a family that think he's the greatest kid on earth - the two of them don't exactly get on like a house on fire.

Working for his girlfriend's father, Vinh has the job of totting up figures for Vietnamese medicine and aid shipments. Being the clever-kid that he is, he soon notices a discrepancy within the figures, admitting to his boss that they seem to be getting ripped off on the weight of the shipments. Five minutes later, Vinh turns up dead, his body found hanging from a motel ceiling.

Unconvinced that his brother committed suicide, Brain sets out on a mission to uncover the truth, beginning to ask questions when he finds one of the shipment receipts. Poking his nose in where he shouldn't, he winds up in the car of a suspicious criminal involved in the dodgy dealings, witnessing him shot dead. Dragging the police along to the scene, Brian tells-all, but none of the cops believe his story, particularly slick detective Al Lucero. After further sneaky investigations, Brian tracks down the smuggled crates, which are brimming with illegal weapons.

Somewhere along the line, Brian decides to ditch his skater badboy image, cutting his hair and slipping on a shirt and tie in the hope of being taken more seriously. This enables him to start hanging out with Vinh's ex-girlfriend Tina, whose parents aren't too fond of American boys. Delving into Tina's fathers 'business', Brian traces the illegal activities back to him, and after the businessman and his partner Ed Lawndale realise that their smuggling operation is in jeopardy, Tina's father attempts to make a quick exit out of the country.

In tears, Tina tells Brian of the plans for the family to move away, admitting how the sudden move makes no sense to her. Brian decides to fill her in on the whole operation, and she is shocked to hear about her father's illegitimate dealings.

By this point, Brian has almost been mowed down by three motorcycle-riding Vietnamese kids working for Lawndale, fuelling the theory that Vinh's death was more than meets the eye. Detective Lucero finally swallows the almost-unbelievable truth and sets out to hunt down Lawndale, who is on his way over to Tina's house to talk things over with her father.

Arriving a little too late, Lucero finds Tina gone and her father shot. Brian is also on the scene, having smashed his skateboard through a window in an attempt to stop the confrontation. Finally working together, Lucero and Brian race after the kidnapper, and with the help of Brian's badass skate crew, he is finally brought to justice.

VERDICT: ★★ ½

Gleaming the Cube is a totally '80s guilty pleasure movie. Skateboarding and solving crime, now there's a thing! As far as the skating goes, there are some awesome moves shown throughout the movie, with the boys messing around in empty pools, and Christian Slater (or his skate double) showing off some dangerous expertise, like skating under moving trucks! One of the guys, weirdly enough, happens to be Tony Hawk, so although the plot is pretty far fetched, being able to sit back and watch some exceptional skating is enough to divert your attention for a couple of hours. By the nineties, movies of this sort were in short supply, although 1991 gave us Prayer of the Rollerboys with Corey Haim, which is another so-bad-it's-good movie focused on rollerblading and busting criminals.

Another upside is the state of Christian Slater in the first half of the film: bleach-blonde hair, dangly earring, fingerless gloves, band tees, and a whole lotta attitude. Seeing him demonstrate some rad/bad 'anti' fashions is something that's lost in the '80s forever. And for that, Gleaming the Cube is worth a watch.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

A soundtrack was never released, which is a shame as the title song 'Gleaming the Cube' is a good'n. Sung by James House, an '80s soundtrack regular, who performed songs for Teen Wolf and the Wraith (both sought after soundtracks) as well as a favourite of mine, Fire with Fire, of which a soundtrack was never released. Quite a lot of people are after bits and pieces of his material, but it isn't the easiest stuff to get your hands on. Oh, also, the Vietnamese version of Martha & the Vandellas' 'Nowhere to Run' is hilarious.

1. Gleaming the Cube - James House
2. Brother to Brother - Billy Burnette
3. Stukas Over Disneyland - The Dickies
4. Nowhere to Run - Khanh Ha
5. Never Can Say Goodbye - Khanh Ha
6. Right Now - Johnny Rad
7. Saigon Angel - The AVT Trid

There wasn't really enough music in the movie to soundtrack-ize, but someone should have released it anyway. Seriously. The title song makes half of the damn movie!

Listen to Me [1989]

"Each of us has the right to be heard."

Tucker Muldowney (Kirk Cameron) is a not-too-well-off kid from the South, who has just been granted one of just two scholarships to join the debate team at Kenmont College. Thrown in for college kitchen duties, he befriends Chicago girl Monica Tomanski (Jami Gertz), who is also a new student. After blasting his mouth off and boasting about his incredible scholarship and the fact he is one of only two kids accepted for the debate-team, he asks Monica what brings her to Kenmont. "Debate", she says. The Southern boy is officially douchetastic after about ten minutes of screen-time.

Introducing himself to his new room-mate, Tucker is ecstatic when it turns out to be popular rich kid and debate team legend Garson McKellar (Tim Quill). They quickly become friends, discussing debate tactics and college life. Monica rooms with Donna (Amanda Peterson), a feisty but vulnerable girl who is unable to walk properly, wearing a leg brace due to an accident during childhood in which she was paralyzed. All four get to know eachother through the debate-team, and come to find themselves as top of the class.

Hanging out together outside of the classroom as well as in, Tucker and Monica begin to get to know one another and it seems as if, although serious debate-team rivals, they are perfect for eachother. Monica is defensive and hardworking, constantly making sure not to drop her guard and allow Tucker to get too close, even when flying off to take part in various debates here there and everywhere. But it's when the pair of them decide to spend Christmas at Garson's flash mansion with his family that things begin to change.

Realising Tucker and Monica are becoming more and more difficult to contend with on the debate team, McKellar contemplates quitting college. His family have high expectations, counting on him continuing the family tradition in law, and when finding out that his ambition is to get into play writing, they laugh the idea off. He feels trapped, and at one point almost drives his sports car over a cliff in hysterics.

The team are then off to take part in the National Debate Tournament versus Harvard. Beforehand, they all decide to go off celebrating, Monica bumping into Garson in a bar. The two have a little too much to drink and end up in his room, where things get heated and Monica freaks out thinking he's trying to attack her. He hits her to quiet her screaming and she flees in tears, running into Tucker on her way out. He chases after her, demanding an explanation to what has happened. Determined to find Garson and give him a piece of his mind, Tucker rushes to the hotel where he finds him back in the bar. McKellar laughs, saying "she actually though I was going to rape her!". His fists clenched, Tucker loses it, laying into his so-called buddy. The fight bursts out onto the street, where a crowd gathers and Tucker is pushed into the road in front of oncoming traffic. Tragically, Garson jumps in front of the vehicle to save his friend, rolling onto the hood of the car and being thrown into the curb, where he breaks his neck and lays there dying.

Both Monica and Tucker can't believe they've lost their friend and head of the debate team under such tragic circumstances and, intent on proving themselves and doing McKellar proud, they put all they've got into the debate tournament. But will they beat Harvard?

VERDICT: ★★ ½

Listen to Me is one of those awkward-to-categorise movies - mostly because, although being based around gang of naive college kids, it is meant to come across as a hard-hitting and serious drama. I don't actually know a great deal about debate teams, but apparently the movie is terribly inaccurate, depicting the whole scene in a completely false light.

The movie is really dated and pretty corny, and I image only of interest to those on college debate teams - although real debate team students would probably laugh at how misleading it is. The main point of interest for me was to watch Amanda Peterson in one of her '80s roles, before she disappeared from the acting scene altogether in the mid-nineties. There are some intellectually stimulating moments, mind you, especially the Kenmont versus Harvard tournament at the end. But all in all it is a pretty bland movie that doesn't offer any laughs or a huge lot of nostalgia (besides a shot of an old 'five grand' hunk of electrical equipment, apparently a 'computer') even for hardcore '80s fans.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Listen to Me - Celine Dion & Warren Wiebe
2. Love Dies in Slow Motion - Judson Spence
3. Dark Light - The Beat Farmers
4. Tough Days Again - Todd Sharp
5. Teach Ya How Ta Rock - Dominick Certo
6. Tutti Frutti - Little Richard
7. Forever Young - Alphaville
8. If We Can't Do It - Cliff Magness
9. Wanderlust - Donna Delorey
10. Who's Gonna Love You Tonight - David Foster
11. Happy Ever After - Julia Fordham

The Beach Girls [1982]

"They're the hottest thing to hit the sand.. since the sun!"

Sarah (Debra Blee) has been invited to spend the summer at Paradise Beach, home to her Uncle Carl and his flashy beachfront pad. Decked out with a pool and sauna, it's the perfect place for a party - the last thought of the uptight, virginal Sarah. But when her wild and carefree girlfriends turn up in their convertible with a hunky guitar-playing hitchhiker, the beach house is immediately transformed into party central.

Party girls Ducky and Ginger are delighted that the pad is free of adult supervision, with Sarah's uncle miles away on a building site. The last thing he'd expect from his good-girl niece was for his house to be brimming with boozed up teenagers, trashing the place and running around with no clothes on. Unluckily for him, he doesn't know Ginger and Ducky.

Soon the girls have scoured the Yellow Pages, calling out pizza delivery boys and workmen, and ordering crate upon crate of beer. The driveway packed solid with vehicles, the party is in full swing, and things couldn't get much wilder - that is, until Uncle Carl turns up.

With music blasting and partially naked bodies all over the place, a shocked uncle Carl makes his way to find Sarah and ask her what the hell is going on. Ginger and Ducky overhear their conversation, gutted that uncle Carl expects the party to be long-over by morning and, knowing their entire summer of fun is potentially ruined, come up with a plan to persuade uncle Carl otherwise. Enticing him with a joint or two, he soon begins to lighten up and fall for their trickery.

The next day, the party continues. Ginger and Ducky head out to the beach to sunbathe, the dodgy gardener eyeing them up at any opportunity. Several large sacks are then washed up onto the beach, the girls eager to investigate. Surely enough, the six or seven rubbish sacks are full of pot, dumped overboard during the night by drug dealers out on the ocean. The girls rush back to the beach house with their enormous stash, generously dishing out helpings of grass to all the party guests.

After a guitar sing-along session, some crazed sailors storm the beach in an attempt to hunt down the discarded drugs and get rid of them. They throw sacks-full onto a bonfire, and everyone on the beach gets stupidly high. Sarah and hitch-hiker Scott then end up doing it on the beach, and everyone lives happily ever after.

VERDICT: ★★ ½

Being a 1982 flick, The Beach Girls is more '70s drive-in movie. It is a harmless romp with a good supply of skin, and probably most notable as the movie in which Debra Blee gets her kit off.

All that can really be mentioned is that the only morals we can learn from this little grindhouse flick is that the more sex, drugs and alcohol we can get our hands on, the more complete our lives will all be.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Lover - Billy Kirkland
2. Try Not to Break My Heart - Linda Foote
3. I Want The Nighttime - Linda Foote
4. Go Undercover - Arsenal
5. I Wanna Go To Paradise - Arsenal
6. Hey Laddy Laddy Lo - The Cast
7. I Found Love When I Found You - Arsenal
8. Love Is Here - Arsenal

Pretty Smart [1987]

"After a taste of knowledge, the girls at Ogilvy Academy think they're... Pretty Smart."

Zigs (Tricia Leigh Fisher) works at a bank, which is, unfortunately, just about to be robbed. But the whole thing is a joke to the streetwise teen - distracting the robber by stripping down to her undies!

In a bid to straighten out their daughter for good, Zigs' parents send her packing, shipping both the prim and proper Jennifer and rebellious sister Zigs to Ogilvy girls academy in Greece. Arriving in her Madonna-esq get-up, Zigs swaggers past Principal Crawley, immediately being told to "never wear that outfit again". Taking none of it and determined to be kicked out at the soonest possible instance, she tells Crawley to "eat shit", and struts inside.

Both sisters are assigned their room-mates, Jennifer lumbered with the blonde and brainless Rebecca, leader of clique the 'Preens'. Meanwhile, it's a completely different story where Zigs is concerned, quickly becoming friends with room-mate Zero (Patricia Arquette) and falling in with the 'Subs'. Referred to as the 'subhumanoids', the girls are constantly at war with the Preens, the rivalry hotting up when Zigs becomes ringleader of her gang.

It's not long before Zigs is in trouble with the Principal due to her rebellious behaviour and endless loudmouthing. Convincing him that she is sorry for her unruly actions, she asks if there is any way she can be forgiven. Principal Crawley then leaves her in charge of dinner and musical arrangements to accompany the upcoming tennis tournament with the local boys school. All seems to be going well, that is, until the day of the tournament. The tables piled up with greasy take-out snacks, the affluent and wealthy guests can't believe their eyes. But it turns out to be one trick too many when the 'classical' band rip off their suits and grab electric guitars. Principal Crawley is fuming and, knowing the disastrous affair was handiwork of the Subs, buys the Preens tickets to Paris for good behaviour. The Subs are forced back to classes whilst the Preens pack and leave. But when easygoing English teacher and ex-Ogilvy student Sara Gentry finds out, she and the Subs go off to Rhode Island for fun in the sun.

On return, the principal is furious, sacking Sara on the spot. Both the Preens and the Subs are mortified at the loss of their favourite teacher, vowing revenge. Soon after, the Subs, determined to banish their misery, throw a party for Zigs' birthday. They blast out music and dance around the dinner hall until Crawley interrupts, confiscating Zigs' new stereo. The girls are all forced back to their rooms, but later that night, Zigs takes it upon herself to retrieve what's hers. Along with her three best friends, the girls creep down to the Principals office in the dark. Joking around, they accidentally discover that Crawley has been spying on the girls thanks to hidden cameras in the dorms, making sleazy tapes and selling them off to 'business partners'.

Deciding to tell-all to rivals the Preens, both cliques are horrified, and, joining forces, the girls come up with a plan for revenge which will rid Ogilvy Academy of Principal Crawley once and for all.

VERDICT: ★★ ½

Pretty Smart is a typical New World Pictures flick, laced with the obligatory T&A whenever possible. It is very much like Private School, and anyone who has seen that movie knows what to expect. Compared with other New World teen movies, Pretty Smart is not quite on-par with the little remembered Canadian caper Breaking All the Rules, but a lot more enjoyable than Fraternity Vacation.

The opening song, sung by Tricia Leigh Fisher, raises expectations maybe a little too high, and in retrospect is probably the most enjoyable part of the movie. However, Pretty Smart is still quite a blast, with some fun goings on and a bit of humour here and there. It certainly isn't spectacular, neither is it terrible, but for New World it is a good'n. Plus, it demonstrates some great (/abysmal?) late eighties fashions, and shows us what a young Patricia Arquette was up to in 1987, in her second movie role.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Pretty Smart - Tricia Leigh Fisher
2. Breakdown - Dave Morgan
3. Where Is The Man - Dave Levy
4. Good Love Turn To Bad - Dave Morgan
5. Foreign Relations - Dave Morgan
6. Keep On Following Your Heart - Dave Morgan
7. Born to Rock - Dave Morgan