80's Teen Movies :: the classic, the obscure & everything in between: 3.5/5

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Crash Course [1988]

"They're way over the limit.. and speeding into trouble!"

Alfred E. Hamilton High is a school with not a great deal of merit to its name. Principal Paulson (Ray Walston), a sporting nut with a high regard for his school's physical education program, is carrying the burden of his career in his hands: citywide test scores. And the root cause of the academic failures at Hamilton is down to one particular class of underachievers, or so Paulson believes. Driver's ed, taught by the weary and recently divorced Larry Pearle. With the threat of the sports program being scrapped because of Hamilton High's drooping test averages, Principal Paulson lays down the law, giving Pearle six weeks to shape up or ship out. Unfortunately, his new class of zany and mismatched misfits are going to ensure this semester is the bumpiest ride of their lives!

With nothing in common but the inability to handle the wheel of a motor vehicle, many of Pearle's students are undergoing driver's ed for the second and third time. Consisting of Kichi (B.D. Wong), a brash Japanese kid with a wiseguy attitude and tendency to rap his way in and out of situations; prissy new girl Vanessa Crawford (Alyssa Milano) whose interests span all the way from hair to makeup; audacious "crash 'em, bash 'em and smash 'em" girl chaser Riko Konner (Brian Bloom); mousy and boyish future truck driver Alice Santini (Tina Yothers); dimwitted jockstrap J.J. Maslanksi (Nathan Dyer); often taunted geek of the gang Chad Bennett (Rob Stone) and pretentious foreign mobster's daughter Maria Abeja (Olivia d'Abo). The slackers get more than they bargained for when Principal Paulson employs the most merciless woman in the business, Edna Savage (Jackée Harry) as assistant teacher, leaving Pearle in fear of losing his job and the kids fearing for their lives!

Catastrophes are occurring not only on the road but in the classroom. With Paulson away at a conference, acting principal (with a warped plan to rule the school himself) Abner Fraser (Harvey Korman) takes it upon himself to target Paulson's prize athlete, J.J. It comes as great satisfaction to Fraser to inform J.J. of his failed English Lit exam, and watches as the promising football star has his future hang in the balance. Meanwhile, Pearle finds himself at odds with Savage and her methods of teaching, and Vanessa is having a hard time coping with her over-protective mother (Edie McClurg).

Over at the local pizza joint, Kichi is doing his best Jennifer Beals impression in his fourth shot at winning Maria's heart. Alice and Vanessa gossip about Fraser's sleazy actions concerning J.J.'s exam results (and about how "cute, but dumb" he is), with Alice disheartened that J.J. only regards her as one of the guys due to her boyish looks. Vanessa proposes a makeover, which is met with some skepticism by Maria who mistakenly assumes Alice has been given a two black eyes. A little downbeat, Alice tells of her father's expectations for her future and explains how he considers her more of a son than a feminine girl. Her worries disappear when an overwhelmed J.J. asks to study English Lit with her that evening. As for Chad, he faces humiliation when Riko spies him preparing to ask Vanessa on a date. Thanks to a little overheard information pertaining to a forged signature on a driver's ed permission slip, Riko jumps the gun and successfully blackmails Vanessa into going out with him instead of a dismayed Chad.

The stormy relationship between Pearle and Savage has subsided, making way for unforeseen romance and a lot of teasing from the class. Alice and J.J.'s friendship also progresses to new levels and the mandatory English Lit exam re-take seems just about passable with J.J. even voluntarily quoting Shakespeare. Vanessa's date with Riko prompts interrogation from her apprehensive single mother, who is still unaware that her daughter is enrolled in driver's ed. To spice up their date, Riko steals his father's tow truck and takes a protesting Vanessa on a wild ride. When the cops later turn up on the doorstep, Riko is unprepared for his father's uncompromising reaction and is forced to leave home.

Presuming Vanessa goes for the rebellious type, Chad seeks advice on how to be cool and undergoes a drastic image change. A flattered but amused Vanessa, unaware of the misadventure in store, accepts his offer of a date. Troublemaker Riko - who had spent his night of homelessness sleeping in a school classroom - is the cause of more shenanigans when he provokes Chad into swiping a car from driver's ed for he and Vanessa's weekend trip to the lake. The idyllic plan backfires when the car is hit by a drunk driver and the couple call on Riko - and his father's tow truck - for help. With Kichi, J.J., Alice and Maria along for the ride, they set out to rescue Chad and Vanessa, working against the clock in Riko's father's garage to fix what's left of the car. There are more loose ends to be tied when Vanessa must explain her injuries to her mother and come clean about driver's ed; Riko's father learns of the second disappearance of the tow truck; J.J.'s exam results are unveiled; Pearle and Savage unearth the mystery of the AWOL vehicle, and the driver's ed final dawns. Can the kids pass and end the movie in a most shameful celebration rap? You bet!

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

An NBC Sunday night movie boasting a cast that includes just about every eighties sitcom star you can imagine (much like the superior Dance 'til Dawn), Crash Course is an inoffensive preteen friendly cheesefest that runs rife with your typical made-for-television symptoms. The pinnacle of innocence as far as teenage mischief goes, brimming with hollow subplots, dodgy pink leotards (maybe Oz Scott was paid drop some sort of promotional hints for Alyssa's Teen Steam workout video?) and even dodgier uncredited Bangles covers that make you want to walk less like an Egyptian and more like a viewer on a mission to your mute button. Disregarding its imperfections, Crash Course is a humorously wacky and overtly clean cut License to Drive-come-Summer School popcorn flick and a real who's who of eighties faces. Edie McClurg is the overbearing mother from hell and a very funny one at that, B.D. Wong's abominable rap narration throughout is an astounding reminder of a bygone era, and Alyssa Milano's dedication to the grand "rap finale" scene is a sight to behold. Oh. And Jackée Harry is insanely badass.

See it for kicks - as a reminder of when side ponytails ruled, TV was fun, and to learn every lyric of "We Be Drivin'". So the class is over and we're still alive, we be cruisin' down the highway but not more than fifty-five..

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Manic Monday - Uncredited
2. Ain't too Proud to Beg - Uncredited
3. Walk Like an Egyptian - Uncredited
4. We Be Drivin' - B.D. Wong

Little Sister [1992]

"Go undercover in the battle of the sexes"

Bobby (Jonathan Silverman) is an honourable college freshman on a crusade to become his own man and stop living in his father's shadow. He and his buddy Mike (George Newbern) agree that joining the most illustrious fraternity on campus will help them make names for themselves and rid Bobby of this supposed image that he feels he has to live up to. The frat boys have other ideas. They assign Bobby as the leader of the pledge class in recognition of his father's achievements, naming him as the "sprouting embryo" of his father; his "twig". They conclude that as head of the pledges, Bobby must show them the way so that they eventually become "twigs" just like him. Twigs? Who knew fraternity life was so sophisticated?

Recycling pick-up lines directly from his father's book of love, Bobby learns that comparing eyes to "hot wax on a Buick" is a fast track to failure when he unsuccessfully woos a sorority girl at a party. A day later, he and Mike lay eyes on the commonly lusted-after Diana (Alyssa Milano), who is in the midst of a row with her long term boyfriend - widely known womanizer and jerk, Derry. Disregarding the failing advice of his father, Bobby approaches Diana but is shot down when she immediately returns to the cheating arms of her boyfriend. Luck is in short supply for Bobby when he again meets the girl from the party, who happens to be on the class enrollment staff, and in the hope she'll sneak his name down for a course which is full, butters her up with some sweet talk. To his bewilderment, he is the only male in the class and is flabbergasted to learn he has been enrolled to study the sociological impact of women in history.

To complicate matters further, the fraternity pledges are to begin their initiation ceremony and it is decided that their task will be the most demanding yet; stealing the historical Zeta Alpha Zeta sorority painting. With a rigorous no males allowed rule, Bobby and the pledges must decipher a way to get into Zeta Alpha Zeta undetected and leave with the prize. When hope is almost lost, Bobby switches from the all-American male and becomes British sorority girl Roberta in one final attempt at fulfilling the frat brother's demands. And the prank, miraculously, has the girls fooled. Instead of grabbing the painting and running for the door, Bobby spots Diana, and in a split second decision has turned from trickster into full-time female with the goal of getting closer to his crush - as Roberta!

Masquerading as Roberta for sorority activities and Bobby for fraternity deeds, his schedule begins to catch up with him and the frat brothers soon become displeased with Bobby's frequent unexplained absences. Little do they (bar a concerned Mike) know that their fellow brother is eating, sleeping and shopping with some of the most desirable girls on campus! Diane warms to Bobby when he invites her over for a study date but Mike's meddling pushes the couple only further apart. Diane returns to the sorority house and later comments to Roberta about her unfortunate taste in guys. As Bobby's life descends into chaos, Roberta is climbing the social ladder and her confidence has won her the title of pledge class president. While out celebrating with the girls, Roberta is approached by Derry who makes a number of forceful passes at her. Bobby and Mike scheme to have the scumbag exposed, in more ways than one, and he is found in the library with his trousers down. Consequently, Diana gives him the boot and thereafter a friendship blossoms between her and Bobby.

Downtrodden Wally, joke of the fraternity, scores a date with Roberta in Mike and Bobby's effort at boosting his low morale. An unfortunate groping incident leaves Roberta red faced and, teamed with growing pressure from the fraternity to retrieve the painting, Bobby is motivated to shed his double identity. As circumstances change romantically where Bobby and Diana are concerned, Roberta is nominated for Greek Week Queen, stalling the revealing of the mask and adding more complications when Roberta is caught undressing in Bobby's dorm room. Both lives simultaneously unravel as Diana breaks off their relationship, the brothers question Bobby's dedication as fraternity material, and Roberta's apparent affair shatters her friendship with Diana. Living as both male and female, Bobby gains an incomparable understanding of the struggles of both sexes and excels in his sociology class, confessing the truth of his two-sided personality to his teacher, who is stunned. She advises him to find a way to let the cat out of the bag for good.

The Greek Week Queen speech is destined to go down in college history, but what will be left of Diana and Bobby?

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

The beginning of the nineties was a stale period for teen cinema. Popularity of such films had rapidly declined; the "golden age" was over. Ideas and attitudes were changing, and nobody seemed too sure what direction the genre was headed in until the major re-invention in the mid-nineties. For those early years, teen movies were few and far between, with the "college comedy" hit hardest by the sudden success of the darker themes represented in the likes of Pump Up The Volume and most notably Heathers. In that respect, Little Sister appears to have absorbed all that it could of the dregs of the eighties in the hope of riding on past successes. It seems to have taken its cues from earlier fads as far as the body swapping/gender-bending goes, and the tone, humour and style (the set and costume design ostensibly modelled on a bag of Skittles) gives it a real eighties quality. The 1993 Corey Haim direct-to-video effort Just One of the Girls, 91's Don't Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead and Buffy The Vampire Slayer from '92 are all examples of this continued - but nonetheless sparse - eighties style of film-making.

Either way, Little Sister is something of a rare breed, released at a time when others of its kind had nearly evaporated altogether. And for that, Little Sister - with all its implausibilities, transparent characters, bold colours and mawkish finale in tow - should be cherished.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Bobby - Greg DeBelles
2. Beauty and the Beast - 3 Lives
3. U Baby U - 3 Lives
4. It's You - 16 Tons on Monkies
5. Love Disaster - 3 Lives
6. Everytime We Kiss - 3 Lives
7. Check U Out - 3 Lives
8. If These Walls Could Talk - 3 Lives
9. Saved By The Girl - 3 Lives

State Park [1988]

"Giving nature a bad name"

Three best girlfriends Marsha (Isabelle Mejias), Eve (Kim Myers) and Linnie (Jennifer Inch), set off in their convertible to Weewankah State Park in search of fun, adventure and romance before college starts up in the fall. On a rest-stop during their journey to L.A. are musicians Johnny (Peter Virgile) and Louis (Louis Tucci), two heavy-metallers who sport more studs than all the dog collars in a pet store and more make-up than the three girls put together. The sight of the boys does little to impress Marsha who is of the opinion that any and all "disgusting, lowlife" heavy metallers should be banned from the park.

Meanwhile, crooked developer Mr Rancewell is securing his plans to demolish the park and turn the site into a pesticide factory - something easier said than done thanks to the notorious Weewankah Willy, a mysterious unknown in a bear suit who does all that he can to ransack Rancewell's project.

As the girls settle in (with difficulty), Eve, whose parents have recently been declared bankrupt, signs up for the camp Wilderness Challenge in the hope of walking away with the five thousand dollar prize money to put towards a scholarship. She is disheartened to learn that the orienteering class is full - a class she needed to take if she has any chance of winning the grand prize. Consequently, she and the girls ask for help from Trailor, a kid who works in the park's tuck shop and lives on the land adjacent to Weewankah. He suggests Eve asks his brother Truckie (James Wilder), something of an orienteering expert, but Truckie refuses on the grounds that he has more important things to deal with - like Mr Rancewell. However, Eve is able to swiftly change his mind when she threatens to reveal the secret that is keeping Rancewell from his precious pesticide plant: Truckie is Weewankah Willy. With no parents around, Trailor and Truckie rely on their jobs at the park to get by and allowing Rancewell to develop the land would mean the brothers losing their only means of livelihood.

Over at the beach, Marsha is determined to prove to Linnie, who is engaged to her childhood sweetheart, not to "buy the first dress you try on" and that marriage is no fun at their age. Linnie, although reluctant, soon warms to her best friend's advice when numerous sun kissed beach bods catch her eye. The girl's hunt for guys begins badly when they happen upon the park's local numskulls, Corky and Mando, who reject the girl's blatant advances only because they're too dumb to notice them. In Marsha's pursuit she turns her attention to the hunky Johnny - the sight of the man of her dreams swimming in the lake has her mouth open in awe! While Linnie - having ignored Trailors efforts at winning her affection - is off feeding her supposed hair cutting fetish (one of the more distinctly absurd plot lines), Marsha and Johnny grow closer, as do Eve and Truckie after Eve's flirtatious blackmail sends romantic sparks flying.

Trailor's promotional party for the Wilderness Challenge has Marsha insisting to her friends that they're "just gonna die" when they meet this incredible guy she had spent the day with. To her horror, it is Marsha who almost dies at the sight of her potential summer romance, dressed from head to toe in chains and black leather - the same, unrecognisable, heavy metal Johnny that the girls had seen on their first day at Weewankah. Marsha's dismissive reaction leaves Johnny completely out in the cold and, furiously, he leaves the party. There are troubles elsewhere when Truckie receives a court order in the mail, forcing him and his brother to quit and allow the takeover. The pesticide factory isn't the only thing that Truckie objects to, confiding in Eve the extent of Rancewell's disregard for nature, wildlife, but most importantly, the law. As Truckie tells of Rancewell's shady past - having narrowly escaped prosecution for dumping toxic chemicals in a dried up creek - the pair set out to do all they can in halting the development, uncovering the corrupt plans, and saving the park. They succeed in flooding out the construction site during the night, leaving Rancewell fuming and vowing to have the culprit - the still mysterious Weewankah Willy - caught and turned into "one very dead bear rug".

Marsha, already regretting her actions, looks for a way to win Johnny over again. Playfully, she teases him about his style, to which he comes back with an attack on her "walking billboard" fashion sense. Eve and Linnie set out to mend Marsha's broken heart by giving her a heavy metal makeover, which leads to all sorts of wildly humorous surprises, including an unexpected appearance by Ted Nugent!

Will Eve and Truckie foil Rancewell's devious plans? Will Linnie get married? Will Marsha keep her extreme new image? And who will win the Wilderness Challenge?

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

Directed by exploitation king Rafal Zielinski, State Park - or, under the more memorable (for all the wrong reasons) Canadian title of Heavy Metal Summer - is a little known, rarely mentioned, but tidily crafted comedy that sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Crawling with more subplots than bugs at a campsite, State Park somehow packs each one in convincingly and cleverly without having to tie loose ends with rampant fleeting nudity or over-emphasised adolescent humour. First glances unavoidably give the impression that this is yet another summer camp romp in a long line of watered-down Meatballs clones, and, mixed with the dwindling popularity of the low budget college comedy in the latter part of the eighties, the film brought in an astonishingly low domestic gross of just $421. They probably blew that on hairspray alone.

State Park, among its many pleasantly surprising attributes, takes the uncommon path of aiming towards not hormonally raging males, but the female audience. As opposed to our heroines throwing both caution and their knickers to the wind in a sexual frenzy, they are presented as level-headed women on a quest for romance, with interests that stretch beyond the contents of the nearest available swimming trunks (with the exception of Linnie's peculiar desires).

The underdogs battling evil authority is indeed a familiar tune, but State Park plays it well. And you gotta admit, who doesn't love the instant gratification of the good guys coming out on top? For more Rafal Zielinski hijinks, check out similar Canadian farce Breaking All The Rules.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

01. Love Is Like A Chainsaw - Ted Nugent & Rachel Sweet
02. I Say Yeah - Scream Cycle
03. Easy to Love - Rachel Sweet
04. A Night Like Any Other - Darryl Phinnesse & Anita Sherman
05. Dancin' The Night Away - Reno Wilde
06. Rockin Robin - Bobby Day
07. Out Of My Mind - Colin Gerrard
08. Queen of the Scene - TT Quick
09. Come Beat The Band - TT Quick
10. Asleep at the Wheel - TT Quick
11. Little Miss Dangerous - Ted Nugent
12. I'll Do Anything (For Your Love) - Nancy Hall
13. She's in Love - Colin Gerrard
14. Savin' My Love - Trapper
15. Her Heartbeat - Steve McClintock

Aloha Summer [1988]

"There's a time in everyone's life that changes them forever. For six friends, it's this summer."

The year is 1959, the place; Hawaii. Summer vacation has just begun and a handful of very different families are headed to the island to spend the next few weeks in the sunshine. What none of them yet realize is just how big a part they will each play in one another's lives, and that by the time their stay draws to a close they will always remember the summer of '59.

The film largely follows shy teenager Mike Tognetti (Chris Makepeace), whose family have just arrived at the "Paradise Inn" - a hotel that doesn't quite live up to its name. To kill his blues, Mike heads for the beach and in his hunt for sea and sand, meets Chuck Granville (Don Michael Paul), a self-confident ladies man who quickly finds use for Mike's camera and all of the surrounding bikini-clad beach babes. Smooth-talking Chuck persuades the girls to join them for a get-together later that night, which is when they meet a group of local teens who at first do not greet the Americans with much welcome. "There's no room for you here - go back to the mainland, haole!". Nevertheless, Mike and Chuck become friends with two of the group; surfers Jerry and Kilarney, who are eager to pass their wave-riding skills onto their new found pals. Surfing is what introduces the guys to Scott and Kenzo - the final two members of their summer gang.

Trouble begins when Chuck falls for the beautiful Lani (Tia Carrere), a local girl whose brother is the over-protective sort. So much so, in fact, that obsessing over the welfare of his younger sister later results in unforseen tragedy. While Chuck and his slick moves have Lani under his spell, bumbling Mike is pining for the attention of the most unattainable of girls - Amanda; she's pretty, she's blonde, and she's Chuck's sister. Picking up effective pick-up lines are the least of the guy's troubles however when one of the gang staggers through the dark with his face covered in bruises having just had it out with a vicious group of sailors. With the beach as their battleground, the teenagers fight to reclaim respect and, well, just to get even with the racist "swabbies".

A divide forms between the teen's parents when the families all meet up at a formal dinner. The Granvilles and Tognetti's - both American - find it impossible to socialize with their non-white counterparts, the air thick with preconceptions. The tension is lifted when the teenagers, already close friends (to their parent's unease), band together for the evening. Romantic sparks fly between Amanda and Mike and Chuck and Lani, with both couples sharing a kiss.

Further sun-and-surf interludes precede a humour-filled adventure in Kilarney's convertible, resulting in the guys being arrested for driving while under the influence. The jokes stop here for each youngster, whose parents are especially unimpressed when forced to pay bail. It is Kenzo who receives the brunt of the punishment when his fierce and overbearing father insists on teaching his son a lesson.

Events take a dramatic turn when Lani's brother, bitter over his sister's involvement with Chuck, foolishly attempts to rectify the situation. His plans to scare Chuck away for good with the help of a handgun culminate in a scuffle in which Lani's brother is accidentally and tragically killed. A heart-broken Lani is then forced to end her summer romance and insists never to see Chuck again.

With a dark cloud hanging over the island, reports of an impending storm circulate, and the gang feel it their duty to ride waves together one final time. With danger staring them in the face, they head out on their boards, underestimating the severity of the storm and what is about to become a fight for survival. However, like many a summer movie, the teens and their vacations end on a high note, and one they will never forget.

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

If Aloha Summer must be compared to anything, it could be regarded as North Shore and Stand By Me spliced into one. It is a nostalgic and earnest coming-of-age dramedy about true friendship, with the sand, sun and surf-filled Waikiki as its backdrop. The film does a masterful job of recreating the late fifties, and is filled with delightful hits of the period like "Dream Lover" and "One Summer Night". Aloha Summer has a certain innocence and uniqueness that separates it from the tonnes of generic sex comedies and beach movies of the eighties, and while it is undeniably lighthearted and easy to watch, it also convincingly depicts the prejudices and racism that would have been all-to common at the time. In spite of the racial overtones, Aloha Summer looks back fondly on the cultural aspects of 1959 Hawaii; the year the island became the 50th state. Although the film does suffer from a few contrived moments (and was directed by the man behind Halloween III: Season of the Witch!), it is a welcome change from so-called classics like Porky's, and so its faults are easily forgivable.

One thing that is evident is that story behind Aloha Summer was written by somebody with the best memories of growing up when times were simpler. But no matter what era you grew up in, and wherever you took your summer vacation, Aloha Summer is a warmhearted portrayal of friendship, that we can all, in one way or another, relate to.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Beyond The Sea - Bobby Darin
2. You're So Fine - The Falcons
3. Lei Momi, Lei Momi Lani - Blaine Kia, Warren Fabro
4. Little Darlin' - The Salty Six
5. Koni Koni - The Royal Tahitians
6. Bustin' Surfboards - The Bongo Teens
7. Tequila - Stewart Levin & Snuffy Walden
8. Yakety Yak - The Coasters
9. Purple People Eater - Sheb Wooley
10. Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu - Domenico Modugno
11. Splish Splash - Bobby Darin
12. Burning Bridges - Jack Scott
13. Momma Stole The Chicken - Billy Bland
14. I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos
15. Walk Don't Run - The Ventures
16. Stairway To The Stars - Del Courtney Orchestra
17. Elmer's Tune - Del Courtney Orchestra
18. You're Driving Me Crazy - Del Courtney Orchestra
19. I Can't Get Started - Del Courtney Orchestra
20. Mapuana - Sonny Kamahele
21. Deep Purple - Del Courtney Orchestra
22. Rockin' Robin - Bobby Day
23. Ku Ipo Ona Ona - Pau Amelda
24. In The Still of the Nite - The Five Satins
25. Since I Don't Have You - written by Joseph Rock
26. We Belong Together - Robert & Johnny
27. One Summer Night - The Danleers
28. White Ginger Blossoms - Haunani Kahalewai
29. A Thousand Miles Away - The Heartbeats
30. Dream Lover - Bobby Darin

How I Got Into College [1989]

"Keep reminding yourself.. It's only a movie!"

It's Marlon Browne's senior year at high school. Meaning he, along with the rest of his year group at Hunterwoods High have just had to endure the nail-biting compulsory ritual that is SAT's. Stress levels aren't dropping either, what with the even more gruelling process of deciding on and applying for college still to come.

Just as daunted by her future prospects is hardworking class president Jessica Kailo (Lara Flynn Boyle), who seems destined to take the all-American sorority girl route straight to Michigan, following in the footsteps of her three older sisters - the ones she doesn't particularly look up to. Michigan or not, wherever Jessica Kailo goes, a drooling Marlon Browne follows.

At the college fair, Marlon approaches Ramsey, a school that relies on kids with better-than-average test scores and more importantly, affluent backgrounds - the preppy; the snob; the smart-alec rich kid. Falling too-far short from the school's usual expectations, Marlon - who decides to apply solely to chase the lovely miss Kailo, girl of his dreams - enrolls with a 'college preparation service'. A dozen hundred dollar cheques later (and a few rather uninformative lessons on the art of guessing your difficult SAT questions), Marlon is all geared up for interview day.

Set on making a lasting impression on the Ramsey lot, Jessica - pondering over which shoes to wear - enters meltdown mode. What if being perfect just makes you average? What if all the extra-curricular experience under her belt is nothing in comparison to the few dozen patient hopefuls in the waiting room? And what if Ramsey just doesn't want her? And it wouldn't be surprising if they didn't, after her hellishly disastrous interview. (Fact 1: never, ever tear open your shirt when an interviewee asks "is there anything you'd like to reveal about yourself")

The application deadline day arrives and a confident Marlon is about to receive a big ol' shock. Catching wind of the news that his dream girl has had a change of heart about attending Michigan, he resorts to drastic measures to convince her otherwise. Will it be enough? After all, the deadline is only hours away and Ramsey a few hundred miles journey. And who's to say the both of them will be accepted?

Oh, and will Marlon's best mate finally get to live his lifelong dream of travelling the world with a carload of gorgeous gameshow hostesses?!

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

How I Got Into College is the last of Savage Steve Holland's directorial efforts of the '80s, and I guess you could say it is the least. Not because it sucks, but because it has never and will never be regarded as highly as the John Cusack comedies, One Crazy Summer and Better Off Dead. And when I say it isn't regarded as highly, what I mean is: it's well and truly overlooked and those that haven't overlooked it seem to have chosen to simply hate on it in the biggest way imaginable. "But that is because Holland's earlier efforts are classics and miiiiles better than this!" I hear you scream. While you may be partially right, How I Got Into College deserves more than being shunned to one side to gather dust for twenty years.

What's so clever about this movie is that it manages to be both stupid but smart and horrendous but marvelous. It's an odd mix, but one that adds up to something worthwhile. And I love it. It keeps you grinning like a Cheshire cat and completely defines the term feel-good factor. Great too is the adorable Lara Flynn Boyle, parading around in her gnarly late eighties outfits - blazers with enormous shoulder pads - leaving her looking every bit the Heather. Without fail we are delivered a brief appearance by the one and only Curtis Armstrong - a Savage Steve Holland and general '80s movie regular - who raises the roof as an all-preaching ("last night, Jesus Christ appeared to me as a vision on a flaming pie") Bible College recruiter. And thankfully, oh so thankfully, the lead role is filled with Corey Parker's shoes and not John Cusack's. Don't get me wrong, Cusack was wonderful in the '80s (and still is now, of course) but it is refreshing to be able to associate a Savage Steve Holland teen comedy with an alternate lead actor who, while not in the same league as Cusack, is a pleasantly surprising substitute.

In short, How I Got Into College is a movie about growin' up. And if you resist from comparing it to or expecting Better Off Dead all over again, you will find an energetic little forgotten gem and maybe - just maybe - a keeper.

Did I mention Diane Franklin is in this?

IMAGES/VIDEOS:

SOUNDTRACK:

No soundtrack is in existence, sadly! Awesome songs, though.

1. Love Like We Do - Edie Brickell and New Bohemians

2. Love Changes Everything - Climie Fisher

3. Words of a Freestyle - M.C. Shan

4. What I Like About You - Michael Merwin

5. Get Ready - Rare Earth

6. Young - Jason Scheff

7. Tobacco Road - David Lee Roth

8. In the Name of Love - Steve Dorff

9. Hail To The Matadores - Richard S. Kaufman

Paradise Motel [1984]

"A free lay with every stay!"

Sam Kehoe (Gary Herberger) is the new kid in town, and not overjoyed by the fact. All he wants to do is fit in, make friends, and be an average teenager. But things are difficult when your eccentric father has just invested his money in a new property. And not just any old family home, either, but a thirty room motel, complete with honeymoon suite (above Sam's bedroom, of all places!).

To worsen Sam's first day at school jitters, he is forced to make do with a rather unflattering mode of transport: the baby pink estate wagon that was thrown in with his father's purchase. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a baby pink estate wagon. Of course, Sam isn't that lucky. This baby pink estate happens to be complete with the motto: "a free lei with every stay", above which a big ol' Paradise Motel logo sits. And that isn't all. The seventeen year old even has the privilege of travelling with a bit of company. An extra passenger - on the roof - in the shape of a hula girl. But what a disgraced Sam is unaware of is that all this blatant self-advertising is about to become the motel's biggest success in alluring a regular clientele. I mean, what the hell right? Who would benefit from spare, away-from-home double beds better than horny high schoolers?

Upon arriving at school the Principal pairs his new student up in an effort to aid him around the place. Sam isn't too taken by the guy showing him the ropes, Mick (Robert Krantz), who comes off as a complete jerk and bails at the first opportunity. It doesn't seem real that only five minutes down the line, our Micky boy and his filthy-mouthed, randy as rabbits crew resort to some serious ass-licking to manipulate the vulnerable new kid. Prior to the impending fiasco, Sam's day is brightened when he meets school beauty Laura, who he instantly falls for.

Pulling up the next morning, Sam is descended upon by Mick and his guys Danny and Shooter, who seem all-too interested in the unusual transportation on view. Astonishingly, the mockery comes in small doses - it's the propositions that are free-flowing from the mouths of the cocky gang, insistent on nabbing a room in Paradise. So determined are they that they sneak Sam out of classes for some heavy persuasion tactics. If only they'd simply rent a room! But oh no - Mick has other ideas. And what Mick wants, Mick gets. Hot under the collar and feeling the pressure of the gang's persistence, Sam buckles and agrees to their demands of a free - and frequent - bed. Now the hard part: pulling it off.

Lacking sleep from his disastrous proximity to the honeymoon suite, Sam guilt-trips his dad into keeping the lover's room eternally vacant. Supposing his unsuspecting father had been made aware of the low down and dirty exploits the presumed out-of-bounds apartment was about to bring, he'd surely have thought twice about falling for his son's cleverly concocted act. However, Sam need'nt worry about the consequences of being ratted-out.. yet. For now, no more Mick, Danny and Shooter on his back demanding favours and more importantly, the chance to become a member of their gang and be free from the ranks of the social outcasts. They can't be too bad of a group of guys, can they?

As the lovers suite gets some regular use, Sam finds himself instantly accepted. Offered the odd buck here and there for his troubles, he refuses, telling Mick and the guys that their friendship is a fine enough substitute for cash. Storm clouds are headed for sunny California, though. And they're gonna land directly above Sam Kehoe's naive head.

Beginning to take notice of Mick's casual approach to bedding girls, Sam is at a loss to discover that the beautiful and brainy Laura - woman of his dreams - is also one of his targets for a quickie. Feeling obliged to rescue her from a broken heart, Sam plans to show the over-confident (and so-called friend) Mick what he's really made of. Before he can do anything, though, our hero must also save the only decent man of the gang - Shooter - from a desperate predicament.

Grave misunderstandings, punch-ups, pranks, first love and a hat full of humour isn't far behind.. They might want to re-think the whole Paradise thing!

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

Paradise Motel is an incredibly obscure little number that was written as a follow-on to the horrendous, tacky, and equally obscure 1982 flick Goin' All The Way, and thank god it wasn't burdened with the title Goin' All The Way 2 (or 'Too'!). Why was the 'first' so horrendous, you ask? Well, as the title implies, it's pretty much just ninety minutes of some pathetically horny kid using a copious amount of force/trickery/various other unscrupulous tactics, with the ultimate goal of boning the chick he likes to refer to as his girlfriend. I can't even be sure whether the jerk does the deed by the end of it all, since he spends the majority of the movie amid rampant fantasies. Anyway, back to matter at hand.

Paradise Motel does what many lower budget teen sex comedies fail at. It makes the most of what it can be. It doesn't numb your brain or bombard you with jackass characters you couldn't care less for. It doesn't chuck in as many naked women as possible, or as much slapstick toilet humour and sound effects. This is a movie that actually makes a half-decent coming of age story about the fears of being accepted, about the harsh truths that teenagers face when it dawns on them that being irresponsible for the rest of your life gets you nowhere. Enough of this serious rubbish, you say! I thought this was a sex comedy? Well, it is. And the best part of the sex is over with within the first sixty seconds of the movie. Sorry to disappoint. Jokes aside, Paradise Motel isn't the dumb, wafer-thin, forgotten piece of film-making that it first strikes you as. It does suffer from misleading cover art syndrome, what with the whole sexy beach flick vibe it has goin' on. Ignore all of your low expectations! Paradise Motel will pleasantly surprise.

IMAGES/VIDEOS:

SOUNDTRACK:

I say it often and i'll say it again. THIS SOUNDTRACK KICKS ASS! Sadly, you gotta enjoy it in the movie, 'cause as far as it seems, it's another for the (increasingly huge) unreleased list.

1. One Track Mind - Remote Control
2. Illusion - Rick White
3. Wave Length - Remote Control
4. Suzy - Radio Bandits
5. Big Talk - Teaze
6. Lolita - Remote Control
7. Sparks - Remote Control
8. Better Late Than Never - Jacki O
9. Have a Heart - Dee Archer
10. I'm The One - Rick Neigher
11. Party 'Til We Die - The Rubinoos
12. Can't Give Up - Tom Brighton
13. Get Even - Remote Control
14. Fast Friends - Rick White

Fast Forward [1985]

"When you've got one shot at the top you've got to move"

The Adventurous Eight - a group of (how many? Err, eight!) teenagers from a small town in Ohio who crave stardom so badly that they spend their spare time rehearsing their home made songs and dance routines in a locked up old building after knocking off from school each day. But in the smallest towns lie the biggest of dreams, and these eight kids have all the determination and drive they need to take them all the way to the top. But getting there is the hard part.

A reluctant promise of an audition from a bigshot dance exec leads the kids to the Big - and mean - Apple, but on arrival at the company headquarters they are greeted by some unexpected and unfortunate news. The very guy who had promised them an audition had not only left the dance business, but died! Having travelled all the way to New York City, the Adventurous Eight refuse to be rejected, and the two (and only) male members of the group - Matt and Michael - take the situation into their own hands and try a bit of pleading. Begging the new company owner to give them a shot, he eventually gives in, telling them to audition in two weeks time. Bad news! None of the teens had banked on staying for that long, neither did they have enough cash in their pockets to. But giving in so easily isn't an option..

The kids come to the decision that the only way of making it is to stay and show the world what they're made of. So they rent a rather squalid apartment, spruce it up, and assemble a plan to raise enough money to live on until the day of the big audition. Step one: crashing a swank restaurant to showcase their moves. Miraculously, their routine leads to a standing ovation from the wealthy diners, who proceed to throw their money at the talented gang.

Over the next couple of weeks, the Adventurous Eight continue to raise money by any means possible: passing out business cards; dancing in front of crowds on the streets; you name it. But all work and no play isn't a phrase in the teenagers' dictionary and with the chance to hit the clubs and check out a famous dance hotspot, they can't resist. What they don't realize is that word has gotten out of their talents and a local badass dance crew ain't too happy about their presence. Time for a dance battle, baby! Only, this is one battle the small town country kids are destined to lose.

On a downer after being upstaged by the fresh dancers at 'The Zoo', and well aware that their audition day will soon be arriving, the Adventurous Eight vow to step up their act. And what that calls for is practice, practice, practice. Will they be able to get their own back and not die from embarrassment this time around?

Impressing the club-goers isn't their number one priority, and next in line is their shot at the big time with Sabel Industries. Turning up for their anxiously awaited audition, the kids face another huge knock-back when they are rejected once again, and in spite of the verbal contract between them and the company owner, it turns out to be yet another false promise. Furious that they have been deceived, a persistent Matt and Michael conspire one final plot which is to be their last lifeline on the road to fame. Will they make it to the huge Sabel talent contest? And will all their blood, sweat and tears pay off in the end?

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

Woah! What's this movie called again? Loose Footed Teenagers in Spandex Just Want to Have Fun While Pursuing Fame and Dancing Flashly But Not So Dirtily 2: Electric Boogaloo? Oh no. I got a little confused there.

We all know that the wondrous '80s pumped out a multitude of dance movies. I mean, there are just so many of the damn things that they are in a universe of their own. Fast Forward is one that is very rarely mentioned, even among geeks of the genre. Although it is nothing you haven't seen before, it's a shamelessly enjoyable romp about wearing leg warmers and making your dreams come true. It has the obligatory dance battle, the fixing up of a run-down building, the whole "we can make it no matter what" attitude. You just can't match flicks like these (not these days, anyway). Inevitably, you've gotta cringe through some corny bits of acting, but on a whole that side of things is a lot more bearable than you'd expect.

A harmless bit of fun, complete with a generous amount of staple '80s fashions and fads, a plot that can never be taken too seriously, and a guy dressed as Boy George.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

Only one complaint to make about the soundtrack. In fact, the soundtrack isn't at fault here - the movie only features a few seconds of Siedah Garrett's Do You Want It Right Now. Hands down, the best track in the entire movie. Breakin' Out isn't too far behind in terms of awesomeness, though.

1. Breakin' Out - Deco
2. Do You Want It Right Now - Siedah Garrett
3. Long as We Believe - Siedah Garrett & David Swanson
4. Curves - Deco
5. Taste - Deco
6. Showdown - Pulse
7. Survive - Deco
8. Fast Forward - Deco