80's Teen Movies :: the classic, the obscure & everything in between: beach party

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Ocean Drive Weekend [1985]

"It was the '60s! And even the good girls knew that O.D. meant Ocean Drive.."

Various teenaged thirty-somethings - a gang of girls from "Leon College" and a group of lads from "A Great Southern University (not the one you think)" - head off to the infamous Ocean Drive for a weekend of drinking, dancing, and whatever else kids in the '60s did for fun. If they were anything like our protagonists in Ocean Drive Weekend, it seems they didn't do much at all.

Jeanie is feeling lovestruck, hung up on her ex-boyfriend Danny, much to her best friend Linda's dissatisfaction. "Ah hell, let's not start that again - Danny is the biggest slug in North America!".

Next we've got Alan; the kid so desperate not to be drafted that he is willing to shoot a hole in his foot to prevent the inevitable. His pal Kirk is the funnyman of the bunch, having earlier stolen a motorbike and somehow lost it in the sea, to his amusement.

Serious Chuck and overweight party animal Miller are on a mission to find themselves some women but instead have too much to drink and get in trouble with local cops the next morning when they go out for breakfast and find they have no cash to pay for their meals. Miller insists they escape by jumping off of the pier, but as they swim to shore they are greeted by and unimpressed cafe owner and police. Luck changes for Chuck when he later meets Jeanie and falls head over heels for her, and they dance the night away with the rest of the kids at a Rivieras gig.

Two of Miller's pals, Hank and Billy, borrow his Dodge and go cruisin', but when they decide to poke fun of some guys from another college, it begins a chain of disastrous events that winds up involving half of the kids at Ocean Drive! When Miller gets his car back later that evening, he is stopped and kidnapped by the same college kids who'd earlier been taunted by his pals. The police then find his beat up dodge abandoned at the end of the street and when word gets back to Hank and Billy, they vow to rescue Miller from the clutches of evil and recruit Mark, Chuck, Marsha and the rest of the kids to help.

VERDICT: ★ ½

Ocean Drive Weekend is a really obscure and somewhat bizarre movie. One look at the cover art on the vhs box and you'd assume what you were looking at was your typical eighties T&A beach romp. On further inspection of the cover, you'd notice the Troma logo, and your expectations would be lowered to "terrible eighties T&A beach romp". Unbelievably, Ocean Drive is a semi serious tale, with absolutely zero nudity or bad language (okay, the f-bomb is dropped once!), and is so tame that it only earned itself a PG:13 rating on release. Although the movie features beach scenes, the bikini-clad torso on the cover really does give the wrong impression, and I would go as far as to say that Ocean Drive IS a drama film. It is like Troma's response to American Graffiti. Perhaps another good comparison would be Shag The Movie - this is the amateur version, complete with godawful acting, over-ripe "stars", and not really a whole lot of plot.

Under The Boardwalk by The Drifters was used about four times in the movie - there's nothing wrong with that, of course, except for that it continually reminded me how I would have much rather been sitting watching Under The Boardwalk (1989), a much better beach movie.

Incredibly, Ocean Drive Weekend isn't quite as horrifying as you would think. Yes, the acting is nothing more than piss-poor, but where you'd presume it absolutely worthless, there are a few hidden surprises. That said, it is by no means a good movie, and wont ever be regarded as anything other than garbage. The ten or so central characters does make for a stupidly confusing story that it is best not to even try and follow, but it does deliver a few laughs, even if most are sort of unintentional (an example being one of the main characters - an overweight slobbish type who looks about forty and claims to still be a virgin). It seems, though, that Ocean Drive Weekend is destined to lurk in the cavernous depths of low-grade cinema for all of eternity. Do yourself a favour and leave it there.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

The following songs were featured in the movie:

1. Showdown - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
2. Under The Boardwalk - The Drifters
3. Double Shot - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
4. It Will Stand - the Showmen
5. Peanut Butter - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
6. Be Young, Be Foolish, Be Happy - The Tams
7. 39-21-46 - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
8. Come Go With Me - Smitty Flynn & The Rivieras
9. Girl Watcher/Boy Watcher - Karen & Ron Killette

The Malibu Bikini Shop [1986]

"Get it off at.. The Bikini Shop"

When the wealthy owner of a beach-front bikini shop goes out to ride some late night waves and never returns, her assets must be dished out to her two nephews, the serious-minded college-grad Alan (Michael David Wright) and the fun-loving cheeky chap Todd (Bruce Greenwood). The brothers couldn't be more different; Alan is on the verge of marrying the daughter of an influential businessman, while carefree Todd is only occupied by his newly acquired ticket to paradise. Problems arise when the brothers must agree on what to do with their inheritance, which now includes swanky condo on the beach. Upon arrival at the house, Alan, briefcase in hand, is set to have it all sold and a deal sealed before the end of summer. Todd, on the other hand, has already made himself a permanent fixture.

It isn't until the boys are introduced to Ida's Bikini Shop that opinions really begin to clash. Surrounded by half-naked women and three beautiful salesgirls - Ronnie, Cindy and Kathy - Todd is in heaven. "I think i've found my calling", he chimes. Alan still only has one thing on his mind and unlike his brother, it isn't skin! And it becomes all the more evident over the days to come when, to his horror, Alan discovers the new two-way "safety" mirrors that have been installed in the changing rooms for his brothers' convenience! Todd also manages to scare off the first prospective buyers when it is revealed that the store has been in debt for years. But bad things really do come in threes for Alan as the salesgirls from the store turn up on the doorstep of the condo carrying boxes and on instruction from Todd, move in with the guys. Whatever will Alan's bratty wife-to-be back in Chicago say about this? Especially since he and brunette beaut Ronnie begin to hit it off..

A couple of old codgers are the next to show an interest in the store, and it is Alan's responsibility to persuade them that Ida's is exactly what they're looking for. Even if it does mean lying about how "peaceful and quiet" the beach-front location is! They're about to all learn the hard way when, on arrival, they're greeted by an eye-popping display of flesh, accompanied by blaring music and a rowdy crowd of onlookers! The bemused elderly couple can hardly compare to a stupefied Alan, who is completely floored by the surprise "tanlines contest" laid on by none other than his brother. Just about ready to grab Todd by the throat, he is stopped in his tracks by Ronnie, who gives him some welcome news about the success of the event which had bikinis flying off the rails and profits racking up. "Your brother was just trying to impress you - just relax and enjoy yourself for once!". And with that, Alan has a realization: this bikini shop business might just work, and his brother? He isn't such a bad guy!

To celebrate, Alan, Todd, Ronnie, Cindy and Kathy throw a huge party at the house later that evening. The serious, business-minded Alan is nowhere to be found as he and Ronnie spend a little time together - but the timing couldn't be worse. Seconds away from 'fessing up how much he likes her, Alan and Ronnie are interrupted by the one person they never expected to see - his fiancee! It is when Jane (Debra Blee) decides to stick around until the store is sold that Alan sees what a huge mistake he is making in marrying such a spoilt and overbearing daddies-girl. Unimpressed with the carefree Californian lifestyle, pushy Jane insists Ida's Bikini Shop is sold as soon as possible, to Alan's dismay. Todd is quick to see Jane for what she is and knows just how strong a grasp she has on his brother, who is obviously unhappy with the future that has been planned for him.

Before long, obnoxious Jane gets her own way and the store is signed over to a religious fruitcake with plans to turn the place into some sort of temple for meditation. At the last minute, Alan comes to his senses, declaring the store is no longer for sale. But there's a problem. He already sold it! And now, the only thing left to do is buy it back, which wouldn't be such a problem if the price hadn't just been raised by a hefty six thousand dollars! They've got two weeks to come up with a plan of action and raise the money, or else Ida's Bikini Shop will be gone for good. And not forgetting Alan's (now ex) fiancee, who wants revenge, and will stop at nothing to get it.

VERDICT: ★★★

What do we have here? Might this be another shamelessly tacky beach movie, strung together with about a twelve dollar budget, a wafer-thin plot and clearly not enough fabric in the costume department to cover up all the ladies? Check, check, check. This breed of movie was not in short supply in eighties; Private Resort, Summer Job, Spring Break, Hot Moves, Hardbodies, Senior Week.. The list goes on. But all that doesn't stop The Bikini Shop from being one of the better of the bunch, and as much as it is, was and always will be a cinematic monstrosity, it is also a wondrous piece of time-stamped celluloid, instantly recognisable as a mid-eighties throwaway comedy. And as tasteless as it may be, it is about as tame as you're going to get in the R-rated category. But do not fear! It isn't a movie that offers only boobage, so the fact there isn't an awful lot of it doesn't matter. How can you resist a movie sporting box art with such gloriously gaudy hues? And how can you resist watching it once you've picked up the box and noticed Bruce Greenwood's face on the back? The Malibu Bikini Shop is the ultimate summer romp, with a final scene that easily triumphs over that of any other beach movie. It has aged with less grace than the biggest shoulder pads, and isn't ashamed to proudly emblazon its cheapness upon every one of its ninety-nine minutes of runtime. So for all the above reasons, and a whole lot more, The Malibu Bikini Shop rocks.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

Another for the unreleased catalogue, and the chances of locating any of these tracks are extremely slim indeed - unfortunate, since this stuff is first-rate corn on the cob (with a side order of cheese on toast).

1. Into Something Good - Skip Adams
2. Party Night - Light
3. If The Love Fits - Jacie Berry
4. Girls Of Rock N Roll - Carter Robertson, Tami Holbrook, Jacie Berry & Penny Sommer
5. One Thing Leads To Another - Chris Farren
6. Lookin' - Naomi Delgado
7. Just Remember - Executive
8. Don't Let The Moment Go - Jaunice Charmaine
9. We Found Love - Chris Farren
10. Give Me Your Love To Dream On - Steve Eaton
11. Silly Boy - Tami Holbrook
12. You Make Me Nervous - Diana DeWitt
13. Running With A Stranger - Chris Farren

The Allnighter [1987]

"Who says you can't do it all in one night?"

The Allnighter is the story of five college friends on the verge of graduation. Sensitive Molly (Susanna Hoffs), who still hasn't found the one "earth shattering romance" she desires, bubbly blonde Val (DeDee Pfieffer), who is engaged to an over-obnoxious yuppie type, and witty Gina (Joan Cusack), the eager film-maker of the bunch. Then of course we can't forget the surf-obsessed males of the gang: perpetually immature law student C.J. and the quirky, free-spirited Killer.

The movie opens with Gina and her video camera, quizzing her fellow classmates on "what they got" out of their four years at Pacifica College. To which one student, Raymond (Josh Richman, who you may recognise from Thrashin', or as the parking lot heavy metaller from Heathers with the lion/dynamite theory) replies "a couple thousand hangovers and an addiction to pepto-bismol". The initial five minutes of hijinks sets the tone for the night to come - a breezy, brainless adventure.

With the not-so-distant shores of adulthood drifting closer with every passing wave, Molly, Val, Gina, C.J. and Killer are in hot pursuit of the fling to end all flings. The answer? Pulling a no-holds-barred allnighter. To kick-start the celebrations, Molly and Val cook up the gangs' last ever meal together - a task that is easier said than done when Ginas' stash of pot is mistaken for oregano! As the guys hang out at the house they've called home for the past four years, there's an unexpected knock at the door. Enter the man of Mollys' dreams; a sharply dressed older guy with a rock star past who goes by the name of Mickey LeRoy. Could it be fate bringing the two together? Eager Molly seems to think so when he invites himself in and explains to the gang that their very beach house was once home to him and his band, The Rhinos. It soon becomes evident that Molly, an avid Rhinos fan, has the hots for this new character, and all her flirting prompts the rest of the gang into venturing down to the beach for the graduation fiesta. Little does she know that as she dances the night away with her apparent dream man, a deflated C.J. is pining for her attention. Plans for the night are also interrupted by another romantic interlude when wife-to-be Val is beckoned by her loathsome fiancee to spend the night at a hotel. Before long though, her other half hits the sack, leaving her craving some excitement in the form of the fiesta.

Heading off back to his hotel, Mickey LeRoy invites Molly to stop by later on, to her delight. As a result, us viewers are treated to what is the most (and commonly regarded as only) notable few seconds of the film: Ms. Hoffs dancing around the room in her undies to the sound of Aretha Franklins' Respect. Dressed to the nines and ready to knock LeRoy dead, she heads off to his hotel anticipating a steamy night of passion. The truth, as it turns out, couldn't be much further and in an absurd twist of events poor Molly becomes trapped out on Mickeys' balcony while he and his ex-wife get it on inside! Desperate, Molly phones for help from the two people who wont let her down: Gina and Val.

A beach littered with party casualties is all that is left of the fiesta by this point. Val, face down in the sand, is roused by a camera-wielding Gina and, assuming the nights' shenanigans are over they head back to get some sleep. Dishevelled, they arrive home to discover Mollys' urgent message from the hotel and without thinking twice, hop on Ginas' moped to carry out the best friend rescue operation. Further problems arise when the hotel staff suspect the girls as a couple of hookers and have them arrested, leaving Molly - who has only just escaped one sticky situation - in yet another predicament. While Gina and Val are carted off downtown, Molly is left to pick up the pieces of a night left in tatters. With only hours to go before the graduation ceremony, a panic-stricken Molly gathers together as much bail money as she can find and calls on C.J. in distress.

While a confrontation rages between Gina and Val and their psycho cellmate, Molly and C.J. partake in a similar disagreement with a sassy cop named Sergeant Macleish (unexpected cameo by Pam Grier!), whom they must convince of the girls' innocence. The stakes couldn't be higher: fail and miss graduation. But before this allnighter is through, there is one final thing that must be taken care of - Mollys' love life! Ah well, you know what they say - nice gals finish last.

VERDICT: ★★★

Coming across as an innocuous lovechild of Where The Boys Are '84 and Modern Girls, The Allnighter is a buoyant entry into the world of the beach movie with generous helpings of adventure, romance and PG-rated action. The gaudy greatness (which can be associated with, above all, DeDee Pfieffers' wardrobe) and a few dire performances are a lasting reminder of how guilty we should feel for falling for what charm and appeal the movie does have. Come to think of it, maybe the the flaws are the appeal. One element that we can't fault is the likability of the leads who are wonderful as the three graduating girlfriends - principally Joan Cusack who brings heaps of humour to the proceedings. Not to mention the colourful backdrop of Malibu sunshine which makes for the perfect party atmosphere.

Overall, it is a movie about making the most of what you've got and who you've got before you carefree youth is over and maturity comes to bite you in the butt. Making memories, putting friends above all else and not stopping 'til the sun comes up. Even the sudden, rabidly sappy love scene at the end doesn't do enough damage to unravel the feel-good antics of the night, and while it is an inferior movie to Modern Girls, The Allnighter stands as a kitschy, enjoyable girl-power comedy.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

It would be criminal to disregard the soundtrack, which was made available on a now-scarce picture disc vinyl. Timbuk 3's classic The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades was also featured in the movie but unfortunately not included on the official soundtrack album.

1. Dangerous - Monalisa Young
2. No T.V. No Phone - Price-Sulton
3. Love Is You - Redd Kross
4. The Girl In A Sweater - The Hard-Ons
5. This Could Be A Slow Song - Louis & Clark
6. Respect - Funky Lips
7. Take A Mile - Louis & Clark
8. Boo Hoo - Angie Jarree
9. Dangerous - Exploding White Mice
10. Pipeline - Agent Orange
11. (Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay - Chronic Disorder

Summer Job [1989]

"Wanted: Irresponsible coeds to work in exotic pleasure spa. 'Experience' a must!"

When recruited as summer staff at a hot beach side resort, a bunch of (mainly too old to be) college coeds prepare themselves for the ultimate fun in the sun experience! Somehow, these lucky kids - comprising of a fat slob, cocky jock, daddies girl, surfer chick, cowboy, nerd, and a few other characters sporting obviously aqua-netted hairdos - beat the competition of the six hundred other applicants for the chance of a lifetime; a chance that doesn't begin too well for any of them.

With a psychotic chef in the kitchen; guests suffering from heart attacks at the sight of the room service girl; an obese woman (complete with splodgy sound effects) plodding after whichever lad she notices; a leery old guy chasing the scantily clad beach babes all hours of the day and a whole array of other disasters, the summer staff all begin to get tired of what they thought would be a few weeks of bliss.

Head of staff and UCLA college senior Kathy (Sherrie Rose) continues with her tight-ship work routine, earning herself an instant enemy in the form of filthy rich daddies girl, Barbara. Claws - and sharp ones at that - soon come out and after Barbara is humiliated by one of Kathy's clever pranks, daddies girl is on the warpath and guess who is right on route? Armed with a bottle of purple dye, conniving Barb fixes her new rival's bubble bath and the next night, Kathy is branded the 'purple pimpernel'. That isn't the end to the disasters and when the resort manager catches onto the commotion, Kathy loses her position as head of staff and is demoted to kitchen duties, saving the population of the beach the humiliation of seeing a purple-skinned resort worker. To top things off, Barbara is sacked, much to the satisfaction of the rest of the staff. But they haven't seen the last of her..

To make things worse for Kathy, she hears from her so-called boyfriend that he has been seeing someone else for weeks, so she and the other girls go out to exact revenge on more or less the entire male population of the resort. Meanwhile, the lads on staff try their hardest (no pun intended) at getting laid.

Just when the staff think the waves have settled and their end-of-summer leaving party is in sight, they get a nasty surprise. None other than bitch of the century, Barbara, checks in as a guest. Without hesitation, the staff agree they are in for one bumpy ride. So what do they do? Cook up - quite literally - a cunning plan of action! Can they pull it off and get even with the one person who is making their lives hell? And can they throw the most made-of-awesome leaving party in summer job history?

VERDICT:★★ ½

As far as spring break/summer beach movies go, Summer Job is a fun one. Look at it as a movie, and you'll be bummed out. But look at it as an '80s beach movie, realise that's all it is, and you'll be entertained. There are only a certain amount of things that you can put into a beach movie (sun, sea, sand and tanned bodies, to name the most of them) and none of those things are anything particularly substantial. So if you're looking for an intellectually stimulating experience (and I did said intellectually, as well as stimulating) then you're on the wrong tracks. Generally on the wrong tracks here at this site, I mean.

Summer Job does benefit from a good deal of humour, although it is largely pretty slapstick stuff. Unavoidably with these sorts of movies, the laughs are mostly unintentional, and the best part of the over-emphasised gags fall flat and will probably irritate you a little. Regardless, Summer Job is a double-sized slice of late '80s cinema that goes heavy on the cheese and not-so on the brain cells. Will it encourage you to nab yourself a summer job? Well, see it and find out.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

The song played during the opening credits is "All the Love I Need" by Ike Stubblefield and Kevin Quigley, and is one of the best tracks on the unsurprisingly out of print soundtrack.

1. You're All The Love I Need - Ike Stubblefield and Kevin Quigley
2. Hold On To Your Love - Orkestra
3. Sweet Lover - Jack Green
4. Lady Of The Night - Kenny Moore
5. Kathy's Theme - Ike Stubblefield
6. Some Kind Of Magic - Orkestra
7. Win Your Love - Jack Green
8. Give Me The Night - Ike Stubblefield and Debbie Fosten
9. Don't Turn Away - Orkestra
10. Bring On The Dancing Girls - Orkestra
11. Heartbeat - Ike Stubblefield and Kevin Quigley

The Beach Girls [1982]

"They're the hottest thing to hit the sand.. since the sun!"

Sarah (Debra Blee) has been invited to spend the summer at Paradise Beach, home to her Uncle Carl and his flashy beachfront pad. Decked out with a pool and sauna, it's the perfect place for a party - the last thought of the uptight, virginal Sarah. But when her wild and carefree girlfriends turn up in their convertible with a hunky guitar-playing hitchhiker, the beach house is immediately transformed into party central.

Party girls Ducky and Ginger are delighted that the pad is free of adult supervision, with Sarah's uncle miles away on a building site. The last thing he'd expect from his good-girl niece was for his house to be brimming with boozed up teenagers, trashing the place and running around with no clothes on. Unluckily for him, he doesn't know Ginger and Ducky.

Soon the girls have scoured the Yellow Pages, calling out pizza delivery boys and workmen, and ordering crate upon crate of beer. The driveway packed solid with vehicles, the party is in full swing, and things couldn't get much wilder - that is, until Uncle Carl turns up.

With music blasting and partially naked bodies all over the place, a shocked uncle Carl makes his way to find Sarah and ask her what the hell is going on. Ginger and Ducky overhear their conversation, gutted that uncle Carl expects the party to be long-over by morning and, knowing their entire summer of fun is potentially ruined, come up with a plan to persuade uncle Carl otherwise. Enticing him with a joint or two, he soon begins to lighten up and fall for their trickery.

The next day, the party continues. Ginger and Ducky head out to the beach to sunbathe, the dodgy gardener eyeing them up at any opportunity. Several large sacks are then washed up onto the beach, the girls eager to investigate. Surely enough, the six or seven rubbish sacks are full of pot, dumped overboard during the night by drug dealers out on the ocean. The girls rush back to the beach house with their enormous stash, generously dishing out helpings of grass to all the party guests.

After a guitar sing-along session, some crazed sailors storm the beach in an attempt to hunt down the discarded drugs and get rid of them. They throw sacks-full onto a bonfire, and everyone on the beach gets stupidly high. Sarah and hitch-hiker Scott then end up doing it on the beach, and everyone lives happily ever after.

VERDICT: ★★ ½

Being a 1982 flick, The Beach Girls is more '70s drive-in movie. It is a harmless romp with a good supply of skin, and probably most notable as the movie in which Debra Blee gets her kit off.

All that can really be mentioned is that the only morals we can learn from this little grindhouse flick is that the more sex, drugs and alcohol we can get our hands on, the more complete our lives will all be.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Lover - Billy Kirkland
2. Try Not to Break My Heart - Linda Foote
3. I Want The Nighttime - Linda Foote
4. Go Undercover - Arsenal
5. I Wanna Go To Paradise - Arsenal
6. Hey Laddy Laddy Lo - The Cast
7. I Found Love When I Found You - Arsenal
8. Love Is Here - Arsenal

Surf II [1984]

"The end of the trilogy!"

Crazed nerd Menlo Schwartz (Eddie Deezen) wants revenge. Revenge on the surfer dudes who decided to play a cruel practical joke back in high school, and spike his soda with god-knows-what. From that day onwards, Schwartz vowed to get his own back on surfer kids near and far, hatching a plan that only an evil nerd genius would come up with.

After transforming his girlfriend - the nerdiest girl in the school - into the gorgeous 'Sparkle' (by taking off her glasses), Schwartz is one step closer to surf-dude domination. Using her to lure pothead surfers to his underwater lair, he forces them to drink his chemical concoction, 'Buzzz Cola'. It's not long before several surfers are terrorizing locals, with Buzzz Cola turning them into garbage-chomping punk rock zombies, with a sweet tooth for motor oil and fish carcases.

Mayhem continues until fellow surfster Chuck (Eric Stolz, of all people) and his best mate Bob discover that something is wrong. Suspicions point towards the toxic sludgefest that is Buzzz Cola, and the two enlist the help of their determined but mad science teacher Beaker to crack the case. Luckily, Schwartz's reluctant sidekick Sparkle decides to help the guys out too, spilling the beans about his plans for world domination and the true horror behind Buzzz Cola.

The unlikely four rush off (in their home-made convertible!) to find Chuck and Bob's parents, where they find their dads selling crate upon crate of Buzzz. Try as they might to convince their parents that the drink is turning kids into zombie punks, the grown-ups won't have any of it.

Eventually, Schwartz's plain is foiled and he is washed up on the beach and thrown in the back of a cop car. After greedily refusing to stop selling Buzzz because of their enormous profits, Bob and Chuck's dads end up getting a taste of their own medicine, and everyone lives happily ever after.

VHS box;

"Surf 2 begins where other movies leave off.. as the Surf Wars continue when a screwy mad genius pollutes the ocean with Buzz Cola, a concoction that threatens to turn all surfers on the coast into Surf Punks, a mindless crew led by Schwartzer. In true blue American fashion, Chuck, Cindylou, Lindysue, Chief of Police (Lyle Waggoner), the high school science teacher and the entire Town Council go to war against Sparkle, Queen of the Punks (Linda Kerridge) and Schwartzer for control of Surf City.. or control of anything!

It's dynamite fun in the sun, featuring the soundtrack of The Beach Boys, Split Enz, Stray Cats and many more. This movie is so far out of sight, it gives insanity a bad name!"

The best part of the whole movie has to be the Buzzz Cola jingle at the beginning..

No matter what the menu, Buzzz makes every meal complete. We guarantee that it can wash out anything you eat.

But after those first 30 or so seconds, get ready for a brain freeze, 'cause just about every scene is either unfunny, repulsive, idiotic or just plain bad.

But wait! It isn't an endless downward spiral with Surf II, oh no. Us viewers must thank it for a few reasons; we get to listen to some more than half-decent tunes over a one and a half hour period. A handful of top-class new wave bands, with a sprinkling of the Beach Boys, of course to have a dig at the various beach party and surf movies that Surf II tries too hard to spoof.

Secondly, we can feast our eyes on what my good friend Tommy Salami rightfully describes as "the lowest form of life in 80's movies" - the zombified surf 'punks' (complete with safety-pinned wetsuits and too much black and white face make-up).

And lastly, we should thank it for the fact that, despite what the title implies, we were only subjected to one of these movies.

2.5/10

If you liked this movie, you'd be pretty much content with watching anything.

Here's the sad part; that awesome soundtrack I waxed lyrical over? IT NEVER EXISTED! The titles at the end of the movie claim the soundtrack to be available on Capitol Records, but they lied. It was planned to be released sometime after the movie, but when the movie bombed, they never bothered with the soundtrack. You'd imagine, what with both the European and American VHS cases endlessly listing all the great bands the film features, that someone would bother to bring out the album to go with it. But no. Which, in my opinion, is an epic fail.

1. I Get Around - The Beach Boys
2. Stoked - The Beach Boys
3. Surfin' USA - The Beach Boys
4. Pipeline - The Chantays
5. Moral Majority - The Circle Jerks
6. A.W.O.L. - Deserters
7. The Wedge - Dick Dale
8. She Blinded Me With Science - Thomas Dolby
9. Fuel Injected - Jon & the Nightriders
10. Surf Jam - Jon & the Nightriders
11. Hold Me Back - Oingo Boingo
12. Only a Lad - Oingo Boingo
13. Cry - Johnny Ray
14. Fan Fan Fanatish - Rheingold
15. Six Months In A Leaky Boat - Split Enz
16. Built for Speed - Stray Cats
17. Talk Talk - Talk Talk
18. Dancebeat - The Untouchables
19. Hawaii Five-O - The Ventures
20. Mexican Radio - Wall of Voodoo

See, I would quite happily have bought that album and played it over and over. I have no idea if a test-copy was ever pressed, but maybe, just maybe, some really rare LP is floating around. Probably in a box in someones garage, never to see the light of day.

Beach Balls [1988]

"Babes and Bedlam!"

Charlie Harrison has spent the past 3 summers eyeing up a nameless beach babe. All he knows about her is that she hangs out at gigs and likes guys in bands - only problem is, Charlie hasn't got a band. As well as not having his dream girl and dream band, he doesn't have his dream guitar, either. His ambitions of becoming a rock star seem like they'll never come true..

By luck - Wendy - the beach babe Charlie's in love with agrees to meet him and his best bud at a rock gig later that day, along with her girl pal Toni. The guys are chuffed - but as soon as they arrive it's clear that the love of Charlie's life is only interested in one thing. And it's not him. It's Keith, the lead singer of the rock band.

Things start to look up when Charlie's crazy parents decide to take a trip to New York on an anti-Satan rally - meaning a free house for a whole week, but strictly NO parties. His parents' warnings don't hold up for long though. Soon after they leave, Charlie hatches a plan to get rid of his sister for the night and hold a gig at their house by the beach, whilst raising money for his dream guitar.

With hoards of people shelling out five bucks to enter, the night is going well. Until the band take a breather for a bit, and Keith tries it on with Wendy. It all ends in tears, with Wendy realising what a jerk he really is. Charlie is there to pick up the pieces, and Wendy realises that she's liked him all along.

After some pretty close shaves with crazed brothers and overweight mothers, Charlie's parents interrupt the little get together - his mum passed out after having a nervous breakdown and his dad shocked at the state of the house. But wait. Who's that stranger from New York? None other than a talent scout, who, after Charlie gets a one-off performance with Keith's band, is practically waving the record contract in front of them. Score! So Charlie really IS a rock star, with his dream band, dream guitar and dream girl. Ahh.

VERDICT: ★★

Corr. Tits, ass, too many appearances of the boom mic..

If you're looking for a totally forgotten and mindless flick about partying it up on the beach surrounded by a bunch of metalheads while hunting for girls, Beach Balls ticks all the boxes. And if you have any interest in the calibre of the acting, lets just say one of the lead actresses was in a show called Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills. No, seriously.

IMAGES/VIDEOS:

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Say Hey Hey - Hans Naughty
2. Let’s Burn - Puss ‘N Boots
3. Time To Rock - Dr. Starr
4. Hear Us - Temporary Insanity
5. Burnin - Black Monday
6. Don’t Tell Me ‘Bout Your Boyfriend - Castle Blak
7. Scream For Mercy - Mox Nix
8. Paint The Town Red - Hans Naughty
9. Passion Fix - Dr. Starr
10. Party Town - Strut

Under the Boardwalk [1989]

"Between the beach and the boardwalk, all hell is about to break loose"

Southern California, late eighties. The final and most anticipated weekend of summer is about to begin - a weekend full of beach parties, romance and most importantly, the big surf contest. But for Allie Yorpin (Danielle von Zerneck), the contest is the last thing on her mind. Her brother Reef - leader of a gang known as the Lowks - couldn't have a more different opinion. He lives to surf, and being crowned as king of the beach is his number one priority.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the valley, potential champion surfer Nick Rainwood (Richard Joseph Paul) has a tough choice to make. Should he focus on a stable future, forget about riding waves, and head to college?

The ceremonial pre-contest beach party is in full swing and Allie has been made to look after her eighteen-year-old country cousin Andy (Keith Coogan). It is while at the party that Nick and Allie's eyes meet through the crowd, and it's love at first sight. As they share a dance, Nick's Val buddies instantly smell trouble. The situation only worsens when a furious Reef discovers his sister - a Lowk - with a guy from a rival gang, sparking a feud between the teens. The cops are soon on the scene and are forced to break up what by this point has become a pretty nasty brawl; tearing star-crossed lovers Nick and Allie apart and sending naive Andy downtown to spend the night in a cell.

Knowing Nick will be competing, Allie heads for the first round of the contest the next morning, despite having been warned by her brother to steer clear of any Vals. Across town in jail, Andy happens upon "half girl, half bitch" Gitch (Roxana Zal) and the pair strike up a friendship. It comes to light that Gitch is also an avid surfer and another contest hopeful - that is if she can get herself out from behind bars in time to enter! That isn't the last of the problems, though, as once the pair successfully talk themselves out of jail, Gitch faces the burden of challenging the contest organizers on their "no girls allowed" rule - a task that she handles in a typically feisty fashion.

Round one is over and Nick and Allie intend to make the most of the next 48 hours, with Nick leaving for Stanford by summer's end. They spend the day sharing their dreams of visiting foreign countries and, for Allie, her aspirations of becoming an artist and moving away to Paris. High spirits are too good to last, however, and when the second round of the competition begins, bad boy Reef tries his best to ruin the Val's chances. His plans unfold with perfection as Nick's pal is knocked from his board, breaking his arm and forcing a full-fledged war between the Lowks and Vals. It is declared that the gangs fight for supremacy in the parking lot behind a big party taking place later that night, and each is determined to come out on top.

Allie is asked to test her loyalty when at the party she is told to take sides in the impending fight. Sickened, she rushes to the scene to find Nick throwing punches at her brother and runs away horrified. It's going to take a lot for Nick to be able to win back her heart - the finale of the contest giving Allie a chance to unleash her feelings; "I thought you were different than some of the jerks around here. I thought you were smarter, but you're not! You're from the other side of the hill, but you're just the same. There's nothing wrong with surfing - it's the constant fighting between you and Reef that makes no sense! Surf all your life.. just don't be a surfer all your life". Will the contest and honour of their respective gangs come between them?

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

Under the Boardwalk milks the teen culture of late eighties SoCal for all it's worth, brah. The first thing worth a mention is the dialogue - the fabulously cringeworthy lingo that should have been subtitled for the masses. A prime example of this is an incredible scene in which Keith Coogan's character - a kid from way out in the sticks whose only pass time is cow tipping - asks his cousin to translate her brother's indistinguishable surf-speak, questioning what it means to be "fully amped" (really excited, if anyone wishes to know). Another excellent moment is when we are introduced to various groups of surfers who inhabit the sands, including the guitar-playing surfers for Christ, ferocious surf punks and a philosophical Sonny Bono rambling about psychedelic vibrations with surf icon Corky Caroll.

Essentially, Under the Boardwalk is Thrashin' dressed up as a beach flick, swapping skateboards for surfboards. It does a great job of summing up an era packed with beach movies, but unlike many doesn't resort to goofy humour and gratuitous tits and ass. With its drama-fuelled forbidden romance, summery atmosphere, gang rivalry (with wonderfully cheesy camera close-ups of clenched fists) and heavily stereotyped surf dudes, Under the Boardwalk is an especially entertaining journey into the lives of Californian teenagers.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Under The Boardwalk - The Untouchables

2. Ballroom Blitz - The Surf Punks
3. Surf Or Die - The Surf MC's
4. Whole Lot Of Nothin' - The Del Lords
5. Bad Time - Ike Willis
6. Blood & Roses - The Smithereens
7. Dangerous World - The Broadcasters
8. Our Day Will Come - The Surf Punks
9. Why - Wednesday Week
10. Under The Boardwalk - The Drifters