"She made a promise. He made a bet. They made a dream come true."
During a game of pool at a popular watering hole, shy, social outcast Mike (Joseph R. Straface) becomes enthralled by virtuous high school beauty, Diane (Stacy Christensen). Enter slimy, slick Brit Randy (Lee Barringer). We've already established that he is the villain of the proceedings due to all his sneering and heinously patterned sweaters. Under the impression that "the virgin queen" will succumb to only his charm, Randy proposes a $2,000 wager on the terms that sheepish Mike cannot conquer St. Francis High's ultimate symbol of chastity and have Diane spend the night with him at the famed Paradise Bungalows. Intent on victory, Mike and his clever accomplice Charles (J.T. Wotton) set out to bag the babe, the money, and to prove the school tough guy wrong.
Following a botched first attempt at attracting Diane's attention, Mike is plagued by a series of nightmares resembling a fanboy 007 movie. They tend to drag on for a number of minutes and involve endless slow-mo action, toy guns that go "bang" without bullets, shootouts in empty car parks and Diane, sporting a particularly bad perm, kidnapped by Randy, "spy extraordinaire".
At the nearby lake, a popular hangout spot for girls in bikinis, Mike and Charles steal some swimming trunks from a washing line and casually join in on the sunbathing. In a shameless ploy which works to their advantage, Diane is introduced to Bond - Mike Bond - and expresses some interest in him when he boasts of his alleged abilities in the water. She challenges him to a swim and he agrees, only to make a fool of himself and have his cool facade crumble when Diane must play lifeguard and rescue him from a watery death. Out of sheer pity, Diane spends some time with Mike, who gallantly saves her from a frenzied creepy-crawly attack in the forest. He tells her that a stay at Paradise Bungalows would be adequate gratitude for his bravery. Makes sense right? It's only courteous to fornicate with the guy who saved you from certain fate involving a daddy long legs. Alas, Diane just does not see the logic. She rejects, despite Mike's insistence that his intentions are good and true.
Next on the cards is lunch at Diane's place. Fearing the wrath of her mother, who is known for her vendettas against possible suitors, Mike covers his face and tells her he is severely deformed (which isn't too far from the truth - this kid is as desirable and has about as much personality as a sock puppet) so that he gains her sympathy. The prank has the desired effect and Diane's tearful mother commends her daughter for her involvement with such "a special young man", who she believes is some sort of modern day elephant man. Diane doesn't take the joke too lightly and is furious when Mike maintains the manipulative act, wearing a helmet as disguise. His guilty conscience catches up with him after leaving Diane's house and coming to realize the sleaziness of he and Randy's arrangement, looking to lay the bet to rest and salvage Diane's dignity. Set on seeing the virgin queen "knocked from her perch", Randy and his tough pals refuse to compromise, leaving Mike in hot water.
Against her better judgement and the advice of her best friend, Diane comes around to the Paradise Bungalows notion and tells Mike to make reservations. Her mother is left in the dark and the couple head off to the St. Francis High deflowering location of choice, where they let their inhibitions fly free and share a steamy, untamed night of.. Monopoly tournaments. When Mike does eventually get the virgin queen in his bed (through unscrupulous methods of story telling) the cabin is ravaged by a stuntman in a phony bear suit, interrupting the long-awaited deed. Lo and behold, Diane's purity remains intact.
The shock comes when smarmy Randy blabs about the wager and Diane's best friend is made aware of Mike's intentions. Soon enough, Diane catches on, demanding an explanation. Problem is, Mike has fallen for girl and refuses to accept Randy's dirty money, insisting he never got into Diane's pants and forcing the bet to be settled by other means. In a Spaghetti Western-style stand off, Randy and Mike briefly scrap before agreeing on resolution by chickie run. In a predictable twist of events, Mike is crowned chickie run King and is forgiven by Diane. And in an ending more sickly than maple syrup, the kids all become pals and Randy sheds his bad guy persona in favour of sweetness and light.
VERDICT: ★ ½
An irritating sermon posing as a provocative teen comedy, The Virgin Queen of St. Francis High fails to deliver laughs or raunch and whatever morals it attempts to preach are wishy-washy ones. Canadian made and on a budget shorter than a shoestring, the sets are limited, the script is bad, and the acting would have been better had the movie starred a bunch of cardboard cut-outs. Dubbing is appalling and the soundtrack (which would be the only reason to recommend this film) has been craftily placed to disguise the constant hiss of background noise. There are some truly awful IQ-lowering moments, including an absurd, unfunny scene where our hero repeatedly bashes a spider with a chunk of wood, the pathetically staged "bear attack" and the umpteen minutes of James Bond dream sequence that seems to have been slotted in as a time-killer. Chemistry between the leads is nonexistent and their blossoming relationship is flaky and unbelievable, built on nothing more than Diane's pity for the imbecilic Mike.
Distributed by Crown International Pictures - an unusual choice going by Crown's track record - The Virgin Queen of St. Francis High seems to have been made to teach horny teens a lesson. What you expect is a world away from what you get with this movie - it isn't even set in high school, the virgin queen remains a virgin, and the softcore porn expectations are skewed the minute you realize what you've let yourself in for is a PG-13 romance with Christian undertones. It can be commended for its innocence, though, which is a rare surprise. Notwithstanding, as well-meaning as The Virgin Queen of St. Francis High may have been, the end result is ultimately an unsatisfying one, and one that is best avoided.
IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]
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SOUNDTRACK:
01. She - Brad Steckel
02. Tears in Their Eyes - Jay Sunday
03. For Love - Robert Hubele
04. Wired For Sound - Jay Sunday
05. Strange Things to Remember - Brad Steckel
06. I'm Your Hero - Brian Island
07. She's Giving It All Away - Jay Sunday
08. When You Lose Your Love - Brian Island
09. Heartache Woman - Robert Hubele
10. Wait For Another Day - Brad Steckel
