80's Teen Movies :: the classic, the obscure & everything in between: group of boys

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Weekend Pass [1984]

"72 hours of liberty to forget everything the Navy ever taught them"

Three navy recruits - Webster, Bunker and Fricker - are given their first weekend pass which they use to spend 72 hours partying in LA. But before leaving boot camp, the guys decide to have a little mercy on fellow recruit and friendless nerd, Lester Gidley, who ends up tagging along on their party-hard three day trip.

First stop - unsurprisingly - strip club, where they fail in their attempts to pick up any women. So it's off to Venice beach, girl picking-up attempt #2, where Bunker sets his sights on aerobics instructor Tina Wells. Trying to impress her and failing miserably leads the boys to their next stop, an aerobics center where Bunker's dream girl works. Again, Bunker's offers for a date are turned down, but he isn't about to give up.

Back at the motel, Webster is scouring the newspaper and finds an ad for 'Kimono My Place Massage', which he and the guys decide to call, setting Lester up a date with 'Chop Suzi'. They have a fun time of spying on him while the Thai massage 'pro' does her stuff.

Next day and the boys are off on a tour around LA with Bunker leading the way through Melrose Avenue, home to 'the baddest clothes in all of Los Angeles'. Once they leave the New Wave neighbourhood, they head off to Bunker's old turf, which turns out to be a bad idea when the guys come face to face with a gang from Bunker's past, known as the Mau Maus. Dressed (badly) in bright orange and animal print with cut off vests and headbands, the Mau Maus, complete with war drums blasting out of their boom box, challenge Bunker to a fight. Alls well that ends well when the cops show up just in time to stop a fist bashing.

Later that evening, the arrogant Fricker gets himself a stand up gig at a place known as the comedy castle, which is again another bad idea when he stinks out the audience totally and completely. The only upside is the fact he meets fellow comedienne and Catholic girl Heidi. Meanwhile, Webster is on a disastrous date with the annoyingly fake Cindy, who he ditches at the last minute.

Sunday - the final day of freedom - and the guys go along to a dance. Fricker inviting Heidi, Bunker convincing Tina to show, Lester miraculously setting up his own date with a girl called Tawny, and Webster going alone until meeting Tawny's pretty cousin Maxine. Finally, the guys have fulfilled their wishes for the weekend, and, having each met the girl of their dreams, it's off to boot camp once again.

VERDICT: ★

I don't think it can be put much simpler: don't see it. Weekend Pass is an indistinguishably boring flick from Crown that has virtually no redeeming qualities. The only novelty and plus note about the whole movie is the array of early '80s LA scenery - beaches, nightlife, and especially the underground hotspot, Melrose Avenue, which was a real fun little segment of film. It really captures the New Wave crowd of the times (if only for a few minutes) and it's great to catch a glimpse of what is described on Wikipedia as:

"The eastern end of the district, which runs from Fairfax to Highland Avenue, became a popular underground and new wave shopping area in the early 1980s, featuring the opening of stores such as Vinyl Fetish and Retail Slut, both of which closed several years ago. The Burger That Ate L.A., a landmark fast food stand, was replaced with a Starbucks in recent years, and the area has witnessed an upsurge in tourism and a significant decrease of the underground and countercultural elements. The original Johnny Rockets opened in this part of Melrose in 1986."

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Weekend Pass - Robbie Baer
2. All Night Love - Robbie Baer & Beth Beaudin
3. Hard As A Rock - Michael Fennelly
4. Beach Nut - John & Robbie Baer
5. LA Extra (Read About Me) - John Baer
6. Free Me From The Night Life - Andrea Robinson

Odd Balls [1984]

"Roll over Meatballs, the Oddballs are ready for summer camp!"

When a bunch of preteen lads have nothing better to do with their summer, where do they go? Camp Bottomout, of course, owned by Mama Fratelli's alcoholic male counterpart, Hardy Bassett. He hates kids, he hates work and he hates his newly acquired camp. When the bus pulls up just after running down an Indiana Jones lookalike, the mayhem begins - mummified bodies in the bunk beds, insane kid vampires hidden in trunks, and an aerobics session with a homosexual cokehead who sniffs a little too much before exercising himself to death. You call that fun?

In come our three main characters, Chris, Og and Francois - three twelve year old lads who spend their time spying on the girls across the lake at Camp Bountiful. Little do they realise that the camp is owned by the money grabbing Skinner who, along with his airhead son Chadwick, are in the process of hatching a plan to demolish the boys' camp and build a shopping mall in its place. Being the calculating 'businessman' that he is, Skinner bypasses the idea of simply buying the camp and instead decides to use Bassett's granddaughter Jennifer as bait for a scam.

The plan is well underway and when Jennifer turns up at camp to help out, Skinner dishes out orders for Chadwick to 'seduce her and marry her!' in order to inherit Bassett's land, to which his son replies: 'what does seduce mean?'. Before long, Chadwick is off to Camp Bottomout, his first attempts leading him nowhere. With his car at the bottom of a river and Jennifer totally uninterested, he retreats back to daddy to work out plan B. And plan B fails when Chadwick is chased from the camp by some dude in a bear suit.

In the meantime, Francois and Og are busy.. well.. ogling over camp nurse Miss Kitten, while Chris is desperately in love with Jennifer. Throw a horny sex ed teacher and a screwy punk kid into the equation and you've got trouble. After an unsuccessful field trip to a local bar in the effort of picking up some chicks, the guys return to camp just prior to the Bottomout/Bountiful dance, the setting for the grand finale of Skinner's conniving arrangements. It turns out to be perfect timing when the camp loudspeaker is accidentally switched on, revealing his scheme to the entire party and leaving him looking pathetic.

It seems that the camp has been saved and the villains long gone, until Bassett reveals the sad truth. The kids are disheartened to learn that Camp Bottomout is no more, sold for $300,000 to the sleazy Skinner. But allowing the place to be torn down is the last thing on their minds.

VERDICT: ★

Odd Balls, also known as Screwballs Vacation and All Shook Up (how many names does this movie need?!) is an insanely bad Canadian Meatballs ripoff, with the budget of half a shoestring and the acting talents of a goldfish. The humour is mindnumbingly terrible:

"We already have a social director honey, Billy Wankey"
"Billy Wankey! He's a convicted child molester!"
"..and he'll work for free".

It took me three occasions to finally sit through this abomination from start to finish. Losing a good few brain cells is pretty much all you'll get out of Odd Balls, and the nonsensical scenes and lack of any real plot leaves you wondering why and how movies like this are made, let alone given DVD releases. 2004 saw Pegasus DVD in the UK bring this one out, sold for next to nothing, along with many other forgotten titles, including Preppies [1984], Wacko [1983], and the surprisingly enjoyable 1985 movie, Breaking All the Rules. But Odd Balls is one summer camp movie that should have been thrown to the dogs way back in '84.

IMAGES/VIDEOS:

SOUNDTRACK:

None available.

Gleaming the Cube [1989]

"When getting even means risking it all"

Slacker Brian Kelly (Christian Slater) has only one interest in life: skating. Envious of his adopted Vietnamese brother Vinh who seems to have it all - perfect grades, a perfect girlfriend, and a family that think he's the greatest kid on earth - the two of them don't exactly get on like a house on fire.

Working for his girlfriend's father, Vinh has the job of totting up figures for Vietnamese medicine and aid shipments. Being the clever-kid that he is, he soon notices a discrepancy within the figures, admitting to his boss that they seem to be getting ripped off on the weight of the shipments. Five minutes later, Vinh turns up dead, his body found hanging from a motel ceiling.

Unconvinced that his brother committed suicide, Brain sets out on a mission to uncover the truth, beginning to ask questions when he finds one of the shipment receipts. Poking his nose in where he shouldn't, he winds up in the car of a suspicious criminal involved in the dodgy dealings, witnessing him shot dead. Dragging the police along to the scene, Brian tells-all, but none of the cops believe his story, particularly slick detective Al Lucero. After further sneaky investigations, Brian tracks down the smuggled crates, which are brimming with illegal weapons.

Somewhere along the line, Brian decides to ditch his skater badboy image, cutting his hair and slipping on a shirt and tie in the hope of being taken more seriously. This enables him to start hanging out with Vinh's ex-girlfriend Tina, whose parents aren't too fond of American boys. Delving into Tina's fathers 'business', Brian traces the illegal activities back to him, and after the businessman and his partner Ed Lawndale realise that their smuggling operation is in jeopardy, Tina's father attempts to make a quick exit out of the country.

In tears, Tina tells Brian of the plans for the family to move away, admitting how the sudden move makes no sense to her. Brian decides to fill her in on the whole operation, and she is shocked to hear about her father's illegitimate dealings.

By this point, Brian has almost been mowed down by three motorcycle-riding Vietnamese kids working for Lawndale, fuelling the theory that Vinh's death was more than meets the eye. Detective Lucero finally swallows the almost-unbelievable truth and sets out to hunt down Lawndale, who is on his way over to Tina's house to talk things over with her father.

Arriving a little too late, Lucero finds Tina gone and her father shot. Brian is also on the scene, having smashed his skateboard through a window in an attempt to stop the confrontation. Finally working together, Lucero and Brian race after the kidnapper, and with the help of Brian's badass skate crew, he is finally brought to justice.

VERDICT: ★★ ½

Gleaming the Cube is a totally '80s guilty pleasure movie. Skateboarding and solving crime, now there's a thing! As far as the skating goes, there are some awesome moves shown throughout the movie, with the boys messing around in empty pools, and Christian Slater (or his skate double) showing off some dangerous expertise, like skating under moving trucks! One of the guys, weirdly enough, happens to be Tony Hawk, so although the plot is pretty far fetched, being able to sit back and watch some exceptional skating is enough to divert your attention for a couple of hours. By the nineties, movies of this sort were in short supply, although 1991 gave us Prayer of the Rollerboys with Corey Haim, which is another so-bad-it's-good movie focused on rollerblading and busting criminals.

Another upside is the state of Christian Slater in the first half of the film: bleach-blonde hair, dangly earring, fingerless gloves, band tees, and a whole lotta attitude. Seeing him demonstrate some rad/bad 'anti' fashions is something that's lost in the '80s forever. And for that, Gleaming the Cube is worth a watch.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

A soundtrack was never released, which is a shame as the title song 'Gleaming the Cube' is a good'n. Sung by James House, an '80s soundtrack regular, who performed songs for Teen Wolf and the Wraith (both sought after soundtracks) as well as a favourite of mine, Fire with Fire, of which a soundtrack was never released. Quite a lot of people are after bits and pieces of his material, but it isn't the easiest stuff to get your hands on. Oh, also, the Vietnamese version of Martha & the Vandellas' 'Nowhere to Run' is hilarious.

1. Gleaming the Cube - James House
2. Brother to Brother - Billy Burnette
3. Stukas Over Disneyland - The Dickies
4. Nowhere to Run - Khanh Ha
5. Never Can Say Goodbye - Khanh Ha
6. Right Now - Johnny Rad
7. Saigon Angel - The AVT Trid

There wasn't really enough music in the movie to soundtrack-ize, but someone should have released it anyway. Seriously. The title song makes half of the damn movie!

Heaven Help Us AKA Catholic Boys [1985]

"For the boys of St. Basil's it's easier to be a sinner than a saint"

Brooklyn, 1965. With their parents both dead, Michael Dunn (Andrew McCarthy) and his little sister Boo have been shipped off to live with their grandparents. Being Irish-Catholic, the grandparents have Michael enroll at a strict Roman-Catholic school, St. Basil's, with dreams of him becoming a priest. Michael has other ideas.

Becoming friends with Caesar - an overweight kid with the best grades in the class - Michael is helped to catch up with his school work and the two spend some time hanging out. Being the butt of a thousand jokes, Caesar is often targeted by the underachieving class bully Rooney (Kevin Dillon), who soon decides to pick on Michael, too.

During an English-lit class taught by the intimidating Brother Constance, Rooney sneakily removes the screws from Caesar's desk. It collapses, leaving Caesar on the floor and Brother Constance outraged. Having noticed Rooney in the midst of the prank, Michael whispers an apology to Caesar. Constance overhears, demanding Michael confess the perpetrator of the hijinks, and when he refuses, is hit several times with a wooden paddle. Rooney grins and Michael lunges towards him, with the both of them being sent to the headmaster (Donald Sutherland).

Impressed that Michael refused to rat him out even after a beating, Rooney attempts to become friends, giving him an ultimatum; "I gotta save face. If I don't make you my friend, that means i'll have to kick your ass every time I see you". Disinclined to associate himself with the class menace, but neither too keen on constant altercations, Michael gives in. It isn't long before he is one of the gang, and along with the sex-obsessed Williams (Stephen Geoffreys, who funnily enough, became a porn star in the early '90s), the quiet-guy Corbett (Patrick Dempsey) and soon a reluctant Caesar, the five hang out at the local soda fountain run by the troubled high school dropout Danni (Mary Stewart Masterson).

During a school field trip, Rooney and the gang sneak off to a movie theatre to see the Elvis film, Blue Hawaii, but are discovered by Brother Constance. As a result, the guys are instructed to clean the St. Basil's statue, which they do so every Sunday from then on.

After frequent visits to the soda fountain, Michael and Danni become close and visit Coney Island where they share a kiss in the rain and whilst at the local hangout, Rooney and the boys suspect something is going on between the two of them. The soda fountain is then raided by Brothers from the school, but Danni, having had enough of their frequent harassment, locks them out and closes the blinds. The Brothers then discuss the whole episode over dinner and decide to report Danni to social services, who arrive soon after, carting her and her mentally-ill father away.

Michael is absolutely shattered by Danni's departure and, knowing it was work of the Brothers, Rooney, Williams, Corbett and Caesar decide to get their own back. The next day at school there is a huge assembly, after the St. Basil's statue is vandalized and, during the assembly, Rooney presents Michael with the head of the statue in a duffel bag. Brother Constance hurries towards the five boys, knowing it was their handywork, and orders them out of the hall. He locks them in a cupboard until they are brought into the gym and forced to admit who took part in the vandalizing. When all five refuse to tell, Brother Constance lashes Corbett and Williams, but when calling Caesar up to the belt, he pleads not to be hit. This only frustrates Constance further, who grabs Caesar, dragging him along the floor, lashing him as he does so. Michael by this point has seen enough, shoving Brother Constance to the floor and runs from the gym, with Constance and the boys close behind.

Spilling out into the assembly hall where Headmaster Thadeus is busy delivering a speech to the students, Constance hits Michael, cutting his face. Michael throws a mighty punch at Constance, and he is knocked off his feet to the sound of applause and cheering from the entire student body.

Brother Constance loses his job, and to their satisfaction, the boys are suspended for two weeks. The film ends with a couple of minutes narration from Rooney, who describes where the five of them end up.

VERDICT: ★★★★ ½

Heaven Help Us is another of those really underrated movies that, for one reason or another, never hit it big. With names like Kevin Dillon, Andrew McCarthy, Patrick Dempsey and Donald Sutherland, how can you go wrong. It has just the right mix of comedy and drama, though definitely not for those dead-against corporal punishment.

Whereas many 'period' flicks are way too over the top, kitschy and unrealistic, Heaven Help Us is a pretty damn accurate portrayal of a '60s Catholic school (although some spoilsports argue that, of course). Apparently, the film is based on partially true events, although i'm not too sure of the amount of truth in that statement. Whether it is fact or complete fiction, it's a brilliant movie that I would definitely recommend to those who haven't seen it. All I will say is that the quick exit of Mary Stewart Masterson's character is a bit of a shame and maybe that storyline should have been extended. Director's cut? Yes please!

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

For both the original and bootleg soundtracks, I can't seem to find a track listing anywhere, and so i'm unaware of what music was actually on them. The tracks used in the movie, however, are the following:

1. Hallelujah Chorus - The Roches

2. I've Been Loving You Too Long - Otis Redding
3. Blue Suede Shoes - Elvis Presley
4. Hawaiian Wedding Song - Elvis Presley
5. My Girl - the Temptations
6. Come See About Me - The Supremes
7. I Can't Help Myself - The Four Tops
8. Ooh Baby Baby - Smokey Robinson & the Miracles
9. Shotgun - Junior Walker & the All Stars
10. Dancing in the Street - Martha & the Vandellas
11. Ain't That Peculiar - Marvin Gaye
12. Blue Velvet - Bobby Vinton
13. Wooly Bully - Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs
14. Tutti Frutti - Little Richard
15. Dominique - The Singing Nun
16. Marche Militaire, op.51, #1, 2, and 3 - Franz Schubert
17. Largo al Factotum - Giachinno Rossini
18. Clarinet Polka - Joey Schmidt, Lawrence Welk & Myron Floren

The soundtrack is the perfect mix of feel-good '60s tunes, and original Irish folk score written by James Horner. When watching you'll notice a couple of the James Horner tracks are identical to those used in Titanic. The original soundtrack is very, very rare, which makes sense of the large amount of bootlegs that have been floating around in the past ten or so years.