Lovelines [1984]

"They're the two hottest tickets in a red-hot battle of the bands.. and now they've got the hots for each other"

Coldwater Canyon and Malibu High are two infamously warring schools on the brink of the biggest war yet: Battle of the Bands. Piper and the Firecats are the talent of Malibu, and in the hours they aren't jamming in preparation for the contest, they're running riot in the halls of Coldwater Canyon High. On this particular occasion, Coldwater's synchronized swim team become the victims of a batch of surgically threaded bathing suits and an unsuspecting history class are taught a lesson in the x-rated antics of modern man! Leaving a long lasting reminder that "Coldwater sucks!", the devilish dolls make a quick getaway, but not before Piper (Mary Beth Evans) gets a taste of their competition in the form of Racer, an all-guy group fronted by the blue eyed male model type, Rick (Greg Bradford), who she takes an instant liking to.

Back at Malibu, macho muscle monster Godzilla (Frank Zagarino), his wrestle mad sidekick and his slutty metallic pant-wearing girlfriend are scheming to break the bones of any promising opposition of the Firecats to make the battle "fair" for his baby sister Piper. Racer have their priorities set on domination by music video and have the cunning Jeff (Don Michael Paul) audition possible talent in various states of undress after a riotous prank in the cafeteria involving a dubiously crude "ancient Chinese artifact".

Charlie's Meet Rack is the setting for the qualifying round of the battle where Piper's heartache has gotten the better of her. Keyboard player and best friend Priscilla (Tammy Taylor) expresses her worry in the most tactful of ways; by telling Piper that she makes "Marie Osmond look like a nympho". It is when Racer enter the picture that Piper's destiny takes a u-turn, with her lifelong desire fulfilled at the sight of distractingly tight blue pants, unabashed pelvic thrusting and a lust-injected delivery of "I'd Do Anything For You" from frontman Rick. Meanwhile, the staple inconsequential anarchist scuzzbuckets and battle hopefuls (appropriately named The Flying Phlegm) are pulling the moves on some hoity-toity Malibu chicks while a bunch of break dancers resembling outcast Pink Ladies in satin bomber jackets make an arrival at the venue. A number of apparently unaware uncredited extras and onlookers provide the backdrop, including an array of new wave fashion victims and a lone, bespectacled senior citizen sporting a blue rinse and bewildered grandson. No, really.

Harmony at the contest lasts a total of six nanoseconds when Rick's mischievous pals Jeff and his flat cap-wearing accomplice known as The Beagle (Robert DeLapp) launch an attack on Malibu foe Godzilla. Unappreciative of being showered in popcorn and snacks from above (and witnessing his airhead girlfriend violated by a descending hot dog sausage), Godzilla - donning a pair of blue crotch-hugging pants suspiciously similar to those worn by Coldwater rival Rick - along with his all-muscle entourage grunt an oath of table smashing, skull bashing revenge. Don't they know it's bad karma to beat on a guy with a fashion sense as bad as your own? As the Malibu cavemen pursue the enemy (and prove their flagrant masculinity stupidity by jumping an already opened gate), news of the scuffle reaches The Firecats and an anxious Piper. A half-baked car chase follows, with more budget being spent on the selection of fresh goods on the quickly-annihilated fruit cart than on realistic chase effects. Nevertheless, we all like to see a good old strategically placed fruit cart collision every once in a while. Just think, in another ten years, concern regarding obesity levels will have forced stunt crews into destroying donut vendors and burger stalls instead, and when that day comes, it'll be a real sorry state for bad cinema.

The Malibu High celebration blow-out forces the updated Romeo & Juliet theme upon us, with Piper expressing her endless forbidden love for Rick as he stands below her balcony. Jeff and Beagle crash the party disguised as pizza delivery boys and get lucky with Godzilla's girl and an unknown bathtub beauty, while Priscilla warns Piper of the dangers of her relationship.

Late night rendezvous and essential sappy romance montages lead Godzilla to the discovery of his baby sister's secret, resulting in the predictable flying fists, the demolishing of Rick's face and subsequently the couple's break-up. Their separation ends when Malibu reach the Battle of the Bands final and another celebration party is thrown, this time with the kids inexplicably dressed in costume. In case us viewers missed the earlier star-crossed lover references, Rick and Piper arrive in Shakespearean-era outfits and a Malibu versus Coldwater confrontation then rages. In a food fight, fist fight and, believe it or not, a sword fight set to the peculiarly-placed Raiders of the Lost Ark theme, the couple escape by quad bike (or was that a ride-on lawnmower?). The climax is the announcement of a tie between Racer and The Firecats in the Battle of the Bands final, at which point both appear on stage amid a blinding white haze of coordinating costumes, bright lights, power chords and lyrics about taking love higher. Did this movie really just happen?


VERDICT: ★★★

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A late night HBO and video store regular, Lovelines was the second to last directional effort of Rodney Amateau, the man responsible for High School U.S.A and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Lovelines mixes forbidden romance and prepubescent high school hijinks with cheesy mid-eighties pop ballads, a handful of Up All Night-worthy moments and a good few fads of the day that have been thrown in for the fun of it (e.g. break dancing intervals and repulsive punk baddies). The running time has been padded out with crude, crazy and unfeasible shenanigans like nudie theatre water pistol antics, a Chrysler that shoots booze bombs from the boot and a number of appearances from a talking goose puppet. Don't worry, it's not just you who can't see the sense in it all. Something we haven't yet mentioned is that in among all the nonsense, Police Academy's Michael Winslow sometimes pops up making strange noises and cracking the odd joke from the comfort of the apparently relevant Lovelines Answering Service. So much insanity goes on in this movie it is impossible to put it all into words.

Distributors Key Video are notable for churning out this species of film, so if you are familiar with the cheerleader camp frolics of Gimme an 'F', girl-power vengeance flick The Legend of Billie Jean or the high school comedy Paradise Motel, predicting the caliber of Lovelines sorta comes naturally to you: low budget idiocity at its finest.


IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

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SOUNDTRACK:

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Credits of the movie state "soundtrack album available on MCA/curb records and tapes". The release was pulled at the last minute.

01. Lovelines - Souvenir
02. Totally Gone - The Firecats
03. A Dream is Comin' - P.F. Solo
04. A Time Like This Again - Joe Esposito
05. Number One - Souvenir
06. Reflex - Brittany
07. For You - Racer
08. Defying Gravity - Racer & The Firecats
09. Ba Ba Baby - The Flying Phlegm
10. Hold Me Tonight - Souvenir
11. Hearts on Fire - Ben Sharel
12. Boilin' Over - Ben Sharel

The Midnight Hour [1985]

"They thought vampires were a joke!"

It's the final day of school before the big October 31st bash at the old Cavender house. Resident brain Phil Grenville (Lee Montgomery) - who is patently good-looking even while donning the geeky specs - is preparing his class report on, rather appropriately, Halloween. The ghoulish holiday of All Hallow's Eve holds more significance to the townsfolk of Pitchford - or Pitchfork - Cove than your usual sleepy American town, Phil explains. Three hundred years ago to the day, one of the most powerful witches who ever lived - Lucinda Cavender - brought a terrible curse upon the town, releasing "all of the legendary demons of hell" and bringing "the dead with unfinished business back from the grave". And it was Phil's very own great-great-great-great grandfather, known as the Witch Hunter General, who put a stop to the madness, hanging the witch in the town square just hours later. But it isn't only Phil with intriguing ancestors. Classmate Melissa (Shari Belfonte) happens to be the great-granddaughter of Lucinda herself. If that doesn't sound like trouble enough then just you wait..

When Melissa, Phil and their friends Mitch (Peter DeLuise), Mary (Dedee Pfieffer) and Vinnie (LeVar Burton) learn that the town's Witchcraft Museum houses the authentic period outfits that once belonged to Lucinda and the Witch Hunter, they set about making them theirs for the costume party. Grabbing handfuls of artifacts from the museum's dusty old basement, the teenagers head over to the local cemetery, where they try on their newly-stolen costumes and rummage through the old trunk they found. Inside, they discover an ancient scroll, and without thinking twice read aloud the three hundred-year old curse. "Life to the dead, Death to the living. Demons arise". As the wind howls through the graveyard, the kids make a run for it, oblivious to the trail of destruction they've left behind. The ground writhes, the tombstones shake.. and within minutes the dead have exploded (and I mean exploded) from their graves.

As the annual Cavender house party begins to liven up, zombies, werewolves, and witch-turned-vampire Lucinda undertake in turning the town upside down, transforming the residents of Pitchford Cove into an army of the undead. But as the rotting corpses arrive at the party, nobody bats an eyelid - except for those who compliment the zombies on their impressive costumes! Meanwhile Phil is busy feeling rejected by Mary, who doesn't seem to even know he's alive. It is when Lucinda arrives that events really take a turn for the worst, as Melissa falls foul of her great-grandmother's sinister intentions and has the blood drained from her neck down in the wine cellar in a very creepy slow-mo scene set to The Smith's How Soon Is Now. The downfall begins here for the party guests..

Elsewhere, Phil has left the Cavender house and it seems that he isn't the only one feeling down when he notices a sullen-faced cheerleader (who he had briefly met earlier that evening) named Sandy sitting alone in the town square. When he stops to ask what's wrong, the somewhat mysterious but pretty girl replies; "everything". She explains that nothing in the town is as it used to be and Phil - who seems even more confused than the troubled girl - tries his hand at comforting her. They go for a drive and Sandy suggests they stop by the malt shop for a chocolate ice-cream soda, again baffling poor Phil, who follows Sandy's directions which lead them not to a malt shop, but a movie theatre. "Who would've believed it", the cheerleader says. "Five movie theatres crammed into what used to be the malt shop". Further puzzled, Phil wonders when on earth the girl could have possibly lived in Pitchford Cove - for all he remembers there was never a malt shop in the town. They share a dance instead and Sandy proposes they drive to the supposedly "hoppin'" Lookout Point. The romantic interlude is interrupted when the car is attacked by a wolf.. a werewolf.

Being Halloween, the police are having none of it. Phil, whose suit was shredded in the attack, pleads with the cynical officers who discuss the night's reports of zombies; husbands transforming into bats; the museum break-in and the vandalism of the graveyard. "Werewolves, zombies, vampires and little green men add up to.. lets all have fun with the cops. I got your report. Happy Halloween". It is then up to Phil and Sandy to somehow reverse the ancient curse and send the roaming evil back to where they came from. But before the night is through Phil will finally discover what makes Sandy such a curious girl.

VERDICT: ★★★★

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The Midnight Hour is one of the most enjoyable made-for-television movies of all time, not to mention one of the greatest films to watch during the Halloween season. It perfectly encapsulates everything that is brilliant about the time of year: fun, mystery and fright. It has a nice familiarity too - reminding you of when you were a kid and dreamed of having an awesome adventure with your friends - very similar to the feeling you get when watching The Goonies. The film rests on the very fine line of being suitable for both adults and children and this is a rare thing for Halloween-set movies. Nobody is sliced-and-diced and we aren't bombarded with boobs, and while there are mildly sexual situations and some genuinely frightening moments (which would decidedly scare the crap out of a younger child), the film expertly spans across the age groups. From the tongue-in-cheek and madly misplaced Thriller-like dance routine to the ghastly sight of unfortunate victims being pounded on the head with rocks(!), there is something to entertain everyone, and is anything but tame for a television movie. Not forgetting the romance between Phil and Sandy, doomed from the word go and enough to tug on even the least sentimental of heartstrings.

Phil is your classic antihero; the geek, the nerd, the nobody. It just seems typical for this poor lad - who has just fallen in love and saved the world in the process (WAY TO GO PHIL!) - to discover that this incredible girl is actually one of the undead. You can't help but feel sympathetic towards the guy as he watches Sandy and the rest of her kind disappear into thin air, leaving him with only a memory of the night's unbelievable events - a memory only he can argue ever happened.

The Midnight Hour is the crème de la crème of Halloween flicks and will make you love the season even more than you already do.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

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SOUNDTRACK:

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01. Clap For The Wolfman - The Guess Who
02. The Midnight Hour - Wilson Pickett
03. Sea of Love - Phil Phillips
04. How Soon Is Now - The Smiths
05. Devil or Angel - Bobby Vee
06. Bad Moon Rising - Creedence Clearwater Revival
07. Little Red Riding Hood - Sam the Sham and The Pharaohs
08. Get Dead - Shari Belafonte
09. Mama Told Me Not To Come - Three Dog Night
10. Sea Of Love - Del Shannon

Making The Grade [1984]

"If you can't make it.. Fake it!"

Down the rough backstreets of Jersey, homeless bum and smalltime crook Eddie Keaton (Judd Nelson) is going about his day. What seems like a million miles away, rich kid Palmer Woodrow (Dana Olsen) is waking up in the lavish mansion he calls home. The only shared characteristic of both Eddie and Palmer is their inability to define the word 'work'. Things are about to change.

Having failed his few attempts at graduating, Palmer is now spending his days lounging around with a beer in one hand and a golf club in the other. Lacking the supervision of parents and taking full advantage of the fact, the last thing he expects to be faced with is any kind of ultimatum regarding his future. Unluckily for him, his worst nightmare is about to come true: he is enrolled at preppy heaven, Hoover Academy. And the only alternative is to venture out into the big wide world and get himself a job. With his entire trust fund and bachelor-boy existence in jeopardy, Palmer - to much disdain - settles on the first option. Of course, in comes the catch..

On the run from mindless gangsters who are out to recover the three thousand dollars that is owed to them, street kid Eddie makes a dash for the nearest means of refuge. And refuge comes in the form of a locker room in the exclusive golf club just a stone's throw away.

"You know what the joke of this whole prep school thing is?" says Palmer, as he wanders into the locker room with best friend Rand following an unsuccessful round of golf. "My parents won't even know if i'm there or not. And that's what really bugs me. Who knows any poor people? If I did i'd hire one to go to school for me and i'd be off to Europe. Hey.. you know something? Nobody at that school knows what I look like. My father'll be traipsing all over the world on business and my mother'll just be traipsing.. Why wouldn't it work? Pay some guy like five.. six hundred bucks a month and a bonus to graduate.." In comes luck - and in comes Eddie Keaton.

The new term at Hoover begins and the whole place is dominated by clean-cut kids and pastel coloured polo shirts; an image that is about to be shattered when Eddie pulls up in what was once a yellow cab. He glides out of the vehicle, kitted out in an getup stamped with 'Keaton' from head to toe. Of course the bright red suit, gold chains and sunglasses just wouldn't be complete without the accompanying ghetto blaster, quite literally blasting. Fitting in isn't exactly one of Eddies' strong points. Playing a convincing Palmer Woodrow is another issue altogether.

Assigned with the messy task of straightening out any of Eddies' slip ups, an unimpressed Rand schedules an immediate lesson on the laws of an American preppy. "Learn to love yellow and pink. Clothes, they should look like you inherited them from your older brother. Pants, now they should look like you outgrew them last year". Eddie quickly begins to have second thoughts on taking up such a monumental task. That is, until he spots the wealthy and gorgeous Tracey and falls head over heels in love with her. Who knew a good for nothing street kid would find love at a prep school?

So now it's a matter of winning over Tracey while still playing his best Palmer Woodrow, not to mention graduating. And don't forget those brainless gangsters, who are still eager to locate the three thousand bucks they are missing. Can Eddie pull it all off?


VERDICT: ★★★ ½

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How can you not appreciate an overlooked comedy gem, starring Judd Nelson in his usual bad boy role? You can't. And while he nails the character of Eddie Keaton in a way no one else could, the majority of laughs and comedic talent is displayed in the shape of Dana Olsen as the 'real' Palmer Woodrow, breaking out lines like "(i'm the) exchange student from *BELCH* Slobovia" . To add to it, you've got Andrew 'Dice' Clay as the would-be bigshot gangster, threatening to break legs and take part in all other sorts of sinister procedures. Topping off the comedy is the hilarious Walter Olkewicz in the role of the overweight and uninspired phis ed teacher, Coach Wordman (who is introduced to us with a couple of hookers on his arm, declaring "IS IT SEPTEMBER ALREADY?!").

Though there aren't a whole lot of memorable moments, the scene on how to act and dress like a preppy has got to be one of if not the best of the entire movie, and the mockery of the '80s preppy lifestyle never fails to entertain. In fact, the horrendous fashions are enough to convince you to see Making the Grade, and explains exactly why the alternative movie title is The Last American Preppy. But it doesn't end there either! You've got an extremely dated, almost one hundred percent synthesized soundtrack, to which Judd Nelson at one point performs an entire breakdance routine. I'm not joking.


IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

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SOUNDTRACK:

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Only 1000 CD copies of the soundtrack were pressed and there are a lot of fakes floating around - the LP is an easier and cheaper option! A little bit of trivia regarding the singer Shandi: a popular pick for '80s teen movie tracks, her song "7 Day Heaven" was used in the 1984 beach movie Where The Boys Are '84.


1. Hoover Academy
2. Palmer’s Mansion / Robin Hood
3. Biff and Muffy
4. Cary Grant
5. Fire Drill / La Crosse / Hoover Award
6. Diceman’s Dilemma / Shopping for Preppies
7. Violins for Muffy
8. Good Fortune
9. Nicky buys Hoover / Horse Play / 1st Call to Breakfast
10. Class Act / Good Presents
11. Graduation
12. Love Montage
13. Golf Chase
14. Making the Grade
15. Come If You Want To - Michael Linn & Richard Kraft
16. Living on the Edge - Shandi
17. Double Trouble - Shandi
18. The Diceman Cometh - Larry Lee & Shandi Sinnamon