"They're the two hottest tickets in a red-hot battle of the bands.. and now they've got the hots for each other"
Coldwater Canyon and Malibu High are two infamously warring schools on the brink of the biggest war yet: Battle of the Bands. Piper and the Firecats are the talent of Malibu, and in the hours they aren't jamming in preparation for the contest, they're running riot in the halls of Coldwater Canyon High. On this particular occasion, Coldwater's synchronized swim team become the victims of a batch of surgically threaded bathing suits and an unsuspecting history class are taught a lesson in the x-rated antics of modern man! Leaving a long lasting reminder that "Coldwater sucks!", the devilish dolls make a quick getaway, but not before Piper (Mary Beth Evans) gets a taste of their competition in the form of Racer, an all-guy group fronted by the blue eyed male model type, Rick (Greg Bradford), who she takes an instant liking to.
Back at Malibu, macho muscle monster Godzilla (Frank Zagarino), his wrestle mad sidekick and his slutty metallic pant-wearing girlfriend are scheming to break the bones of any promising opposition of the Firecats to make the battle "fair" for his baby sister Piper. Racer have their priorities set on domination by music video and have the cunning Jeff (Don Michael Paul) audition possible talent in various states of undress after a riotous prank in the cafeteria involving a dubiously crude "ancient Chinese artifact".
Charlie's Meet Rack is the setting for the qualifying round of the battle where Piper's heartache has gotten the better of her. Keyboard player and best friend Priscilla (Tammy Taylor) expresses her worry in the most tactful of ways; by telling Piper that she makes "Marie Osmond look like a nympho". It is when Racer enter the picture that Piper's destiny takes a u-turn, with her lifelong desire fulfilled at the sight of distractingly tight blue pants, unabashed pelvic thrusting and a lust-injected delivery of "I'd Do Anything For You" from frontman Rick. Meanwhile, the staple inconsequential anarchist scuzzbuckets and battle hopefuls (appropriately named The Flying Phlegm) are pulling the moves on some hoity-toity Malibu chicks while a bunch of break dancers resembling outcast Pink Ladies in satin bomber jackets make an arrival at the venue. A number of apparently unaware uncredited extras and onlookers provide the backdrop, including an array of new wave fashion victims and a lone, bespectacled senior citizen sporting a blue rinse and bewildered grandson. No, really.
Harmony at the contest lasts a total of six nanoseconds when Rick's mischievous pals Jeff and his flat cap-wearing accomplice known as The Beagle (Robert DeLapp) launch an attack on Malibu foe Godzilla. Unappreciative of being showered in popcorn and snacks from above (and witnessing his airhead girlfriend violated by a descending hot dog sausage), Godzilla - donning a pair of blue crotch-hugging pants suspiciously similar to those worn by Coldwater rival Rick - along with his all-muscle entourage grunt an oath of table smashing, skull bashing revenge. Don't they know it's bad karma to beat on a guy with a fashion sense as bad as your own? As the Malibu cavemen pursue the enemy (and prove their flagrant masculinity stupidity by jumping an already opened gate), news of the scuffle reaches The Firecats and an anxious Piper. A half-baked car chase follows, with more budget being spent on the selection of fresh goods on the quickly-annihilated fruit cart than on realistic chase effects. Nevertheless, we all like to see a good old strategically placed fruit cart collision every once in a while. Just think, in another ten years, concern regarding obesity levels will have forced stunt crews into destroying donut vendors and burger stalls instead, and when that day comes, it'll be a real sorry state for bad cinema.
The Malibu High celebration blow-out forces the updated Romeo & Juliet theme upon us, with Piper expressing her endless forbidden love for Rick as he stands below her balcony. Jeff and Beagle crash the party disguised as pizza delivery boys and get lucky with Godzilla's girl and an unknown bathtub beauty, while Priscilla warns Piper of the dangers of her relationship.
Late night rendezvous and essential sappy romance montages lead Godzilla to the discovery of his baby sister's secret, resulting in the predictable flying fists, the demolishing of Rick's face and subsequently the couple's break-up. Their separation ends when Malibu reach the Battle of the Bands final and another celebration party is thrown, this time with the kids inexplicably dressed in costume. In case us viewers missed the earlier star-crossed lover references, Rick and Piper arrive in Shakespearean-era outfits and a Malibu versus Coldwater confrontation then rages. In a food fight, fist fight and, believe it or not, a sword fight set to the peculiarly-placed Raiders of the Lost Ark theme, the couple escape by quad bike (or was that a ride-on lawnmower?). The climax is the announcement of a tie between Racer and The Firecats in the Battle of the Bands final, at which point both appear on stage amid a blinding white haze of coordinating costumes, bright lights, power chords and lyrics about taking love higher. Did this movie really just happen?
VERDICT: ★★★
A late night HBO and video store regular, Lovelines was the second to last directional effort of Rodney Amateau, the man responsible for High School U.S.A and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Lovelines mixes forbidden romance and prepubescent high school hijinks with cheesy mid-eighties pop ballads, a handful of Up All Night-worthy moments and a good few fads of the day that have been thrown in for the fun of it (e.g. break dancing intervals and repulsive punk baddies). The running time has been padded out with crude, crazy and unfeasible shenanigans like nudie theatre water pistol antics, a Chrysler that shoots booze bombs from the boot and a number of appearances from a talking goose puppet. Don't worry, it's not just you who can't see the sense in it all. Something we haven't yet mentioned is that in among all the nonsense, Police Academy's Michael Winslow sometimes pops up making strange noises and cracking the odd joke from the comfort of the apparently relevant Lovelines Answering Service. So much insanity goes on in this movie it is impossible to put it all into words.
Distributors Key Video are notable for churning out this species of film, so if you are familiar with the cheerleader camp frolics of Gimme an 'F', girl-power vengeance flick The Legend of Billie Jean or the high school comedy Paradise Motel, predicting the caliber of Lovelines sorta comes naturally to you: low budget idiocity at its finest.
IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]
 |  |  |
 |  |  |
SOUNDTRACK:
Credits of the movie state "soundtrack album available on MCA/curb records and tapes". The release was pulled at the last minute.
01. Lovelines - Souvenir
02. Totally Gone - The Firecats
03. A Dream is Comin' - P.F. Solo
04. A Time Like This Again - Joe Esposito
05. Number One - Souvenir
06. Reflex - Brittany
07. For You - Racer
08. Defying Gravity - Racer & The Firecats
09. Ba Ba Baby - The Flying Phlegm
10. Hold Me Tonight - Souvenir
11. Hearts on Fire - Ben Sharel
12. Boilin' Over - Ben Sharel
