80's Teen Movies :: the classic, the obscure & everything in between: sex

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Senior Week [1987]

"The best week of your life."

Everett (Michael St. Gerard) has a problem: Senior Week. The seven days of carefree capers and non-stop party madness before graduation. To all the other kids at school, this is the event of the year. But Everett is in trouble, in debt. Not money, but a term paper. And without it, grizzly Miss Bagley is on a mission to bring his graduation to a grinding halt. Things are so bad that Everett is even having nightmares about naked chicks laughing at his misfortune. So much for wet dreams! As little as he wants to fail school, the week of debauchery is calling his name. But, being the sensible student that he is, makes the decision to get himself out of the doghouse and complete the term paper.. So, he kidnaps the school nerd and holds him hostage!

Persuading geeky Jody to write the paper in return for a week of partying with him and his two best buds Jamie and Kevin, Everett and the guys pile into the car and spend the night road trippin' to the Sunshine State. Meanwhile, upon hearing of their departure, a fuming Miss Bagley as well as Jamies' jealous girlfriend Tracy hatch plans to locate the guys and give them a piece of their mind.

Checking into the only available ten dollar sleazeball motel, order of business for Everett and the boys is to first hit the sands and hunt for as many scantily clad beach babes as they can lay their hands on. A night of strip poker, arcades and nightclubs await, followed by a true genre staple: the dirty dream sequence! A dozen topless imaginary bimbos later and it is back to reality for our protagonists, one of which is astonished to find his ill-tempered girlfriend on the doorstep, bitter from his club antics involving another broad. Meanwhile, Everett and Kevin have a comical run-in with the owners of a local grease joint, with bloodcurdling Miss Bagley hot on their tail.

Back at the motel, frustrated Jody - who is still caught up writing the English paper - blows his top and confronts Everett. "You said you'd bring me back a girl. You told me that yesterday before you went to the beach, you told me that last night before you went out, and you told me that again today. What about our deal, huh? Look, you brought me down here, and all I do is sit at that table and write YOUR term paper!.. That's it! I've had enough!". And with that, he abandons both the paper and the lads and before long happens upon a girl of his own, who is none other than Tracys' goofy cousin; Debbie Sue. To Everett, Kevin and Jamies' surprise, they later find the two in a bath full of whipped cream!

In the shadow of being "cheated on", Tracy sets out to boost her self esteem and bag a new guy, only making things worse when the one who shows an interest in her is unveiled as a complete douche. Luckily, Everett and the guys come to her rescue and realizing how she still has eyes for Jamie, they get back together. But there are further complications to come! Chaos ensues as the gang are at long last pounced on by ferocious Miss Bagley, who demands the overdue term paper there and then. As the essay is about to be turned over, Everett runs into trouble with the douchebag who had earlier tried it on with Tracy. The paper is stolen, and it is a race to the finish as the bad guys are chased across the beach in dune buggies. Of course, the movie doesn't end without Everett bagging a gorgeous babe and making it to graduation in the nick of time. Go to hell Miss beastly Bagley!

VERDICT: ★★

There are some movies that sink below the bottom of the barrel, and intended to from the word go. Such is the case with Senior Week - the embodiment of "USA Up All Night" in the eighties. As for the tag line "the best week of your life" - well, that's exactly how long it felt watching this movie. Calling it "the best" is another matter entirely.

Slating Senior Week for what it is is impossible. The reason being that it never did anything wrong (or should that be right?!) in the first place. It was meant to be a no-brainer movie, full of gratuitous boobies, atrociously acted characters and bad dialogue. It was supposed to fall at the wayside. And, well. It ticks all of those boxes. And for that, ladies and gentlemen, Senior Week deserves an A+. Back in the real world it deserves burning. But here, in the kingdom of the substandard, we'll soak up the Florida sunshine, laugh at the mediocrity, and throw it a couple of stars.

PICTURES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Your Picture - Buzzy King
2. Baby Talk - The Laurels
3. Feel Like Jumping - William Orbit
4. Tears in My Beer - Brent Maglia
5. Bustin ' Surfboards - The Bongo Teens
6. Anxious Moments - Merlin Moran
7. Made in America - French Lick
8. I Got The Feelin' - The Walters
9. Without You - Nocera
10. Big Band B-Boy - Mantronix
11. Dance With Me - Lords of the New Church
12. Surfin' Bongos - The Bongo Teens
13. Beautiful Women - Albatross
14. Back To Burn - T. La Rock
15. White Night - Torch Song featuring William Orbit
16. Hard Core Hip-Hop - Mantronix
17. A Night Out - Urban Blight
18. All My Love - Nocera
19. In The Summertime - Beat Rodeo
20. She's The Girl That I Love - Goldmania
21. Ju Ju Hand - Sam The Sham and The Pharoahs
22. Bongo Bongo Bongo - Preston Epps

Hot Chili [1985]

"It's wild, wet, sexy, and dirty!"

Bikini-clad beauties, Mexican sunshine.. "we are in for a very nice summer". Perhaps Ricky, Jason, Arnold and Stanley would have thought twice had they seen the prehistoric sleeping quarters they're about to be confined to for the rest of their stay at the Hotel Hacienda Habana Cabana. Things go from bad to worse when the guys meet Senor Esteban Rodriguez Cortez "The Turd" - the pushy and somewhat insane owner of the resort who takes an immediate dislike to the teens. By day two our over-worked, downtrodden heroes are at wits end.. but their outlook is about to change - enter Chi Chi (Louisa Moritz), the buxom blond chef.. who prefers to wear nothing but an apron in the kitchen! "Boys, boys, don't leave Chi Chi alone! Chi Chi will be very sad if you boys go!". Looks like things are on the up for our lads!

Blatant unintentional puns aside, we seem to be lacking something here. You've not been formally introduced to the boys! So we have Arney, obligatory funny fat kid; the helplessly romantic-at-heart Ricky; Jason, the self-assured hunk, and - another genre staple - Stanley, the bumbling nerd.

Before we delve into a drawn-out observation of the plot, let me just warn you: there isn't one.

The next portion - make that the rest - of the movie is made up of the many and mostly obscene encounters which our four awkwardly randy teens run into with the resort guests. The dorky kid, Stanley, occupies ten of our ninety minutes carrying luggage and getting lost around the hotel with a woman who ends up slapping him in the face as a result of his uselessness. Ricky has a chance meeting with a musician who spends the entire film buck naked (lost her suitcase at the airport, maybe?!), and after a few minutes of groping, heads off to another room to find the girl he later "falls in love" with. A kooky elderly honeymoon couple leave Jason to babysit for their granddaughter who - unbeknown to him, up until he walks in on her in the shower and receives a punch on the nose - is actually a buxom twenty-something. And, would you believe it, Arney is actually working.

Next in line is a run in with an outrageous German dominatrix whose husband appears and chases Arney around the resort in nothing but his underwear. Chi Chi the chef and a now-clothed musician catfight over Ricky, resulting in the pair (all-too conveniently) accidentally tearing off one anothers' clothes. And, to Rickys' dismay, his family turn up.

To follow is copious amounts of nudity and all the more moronic rendezvous which are best left to the imagination. The movie ends with a ravenous Nazi husband hunting Arney, who only escapes by dressing in Mexican drag.

VERDICT: ★★

Made by the Cannon, producers of the Lemon Popsicle series, Hot Chili could be labelled as a raunchy follow up movie to The Last American Virgin (which in itself is an American remake of Lemon Popsicle). As the case may be, being as kind as to use the expression "follow up" is something I should slap my own wrists for. "Rip-off" would be the correct term. Hot Chili even goes as far as unashamedly stealing a specific scene and rehashing it to such identical proportions that you can barely tell the difference. But it doesn't stop there. We have Joe Rubbo back again, playing - aside from the name - the same character. Add in the kinky blond with the accent, Louisa Moritz, and it is impossible not to think that The Last American Virgin has been robbed. Not only does Hot Chili suffer due to all its aforementioned thieving, it plainly lifts more plot from ANOTHER Cannon production - released only six months before Chili - Hot Resort. Subsequently, it seems Cannon is layer upon shanghaied layer of Cannon.

Filthy fun in the sun without the slightest hint of modesty, Chili clearly never intended to A) deliver an intelligent and original plot, B) teach us any valuable life lessons and C) shy away from being branded as some sort of zany softcore porn. Extra star for being Joe Rubbos' only movie besides Virgin.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

No official soundtrack in existence, but these are the tracks used in the movie. Notice Cannon stealing from themselves yet again, using theme music from both Breakin' and Rappin'!

1. She Don't Know Me - Ken Brown
2. Mad Enough - Ken Brown
3. Because We're Young - Ken Brown
4. A Little Affection - Ken Brown
5. Help Help - Ken Brown
6. All I Want is Everything - Stephen Feldman
7. Get Me To The Show - David Powell
8. Body Shop - David Powell
9. What Kind Of Girl Are You? - George Griffin
10. Snapshot - Airpocket
11. El Amante Triste - Bruce Scott
12. Jamaica Sun - Bruce Scott
13. Best Of life - Bruce Scott
14. Let The Spirit Move Ya - Ron Wright-Scherr
15. Tango from "Breakin'"
16. Theme from "Rappin'"
17. Kissin' Rocko's Girlfriend - Steve Feldman

Paradise Motel [1984]

"A free lay with every stay!"

Sam Kehoe (Gary Herberger) is the new kid in town, and not overjoyed by the fact. All he wants to do is fit in, make friends, and be an average teenager. But things are difficult when your eccentric father has just invested his money in a new property. And not just any old family home, either, but a thirty room motel, complete with honeymoon suite (above Sam's bedroom, of all places!).

To worsen Sam's first day at school jitters, he is forced to make do with a rather unflattering mode of transport: the baby pink estate wagon that was thrown in with his father's purchase. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a baby pink estate wagon. Of course, Sam isn't that lucky. This baby pink estate happens to be complete with the motto: "a free lei with every stay", above which a big ol' Paradise Motel logo sits. And that isn't all. The seventeen year old even has the privilege of travelling with a bit of company. An extra passenger - on the roof - in the shape of a hula girl. But what a disgraced Sam is unaware of is that all this blatant self-advertising is about to become the motel's biggest success in alluring a regular clientele. I mean, what the hell right? Who would benefit from spare, away-from-home double beds better than horny high schoolers?

Upon arriving at school the Principal pairs his new student up in an effort to aid him around the place. Sam isn't too taken by the guy showing him the ropes, Mick (Robert Krantz), who comes off as a complete jerk and bails at the first opportunity. It doesn't seem real that only five minutes down the line, our Micky boy and his filthy-mouthed, randy as rabbits crew resort to some serious ass-licking to manipulate the vulnerable new kid. Prior to the impending fiasco, Sam's day is brightened when he meets school beauty Laura, who he instantly falls for.

Pulling up the next morning, Sam is descended upon by Mick and his guys Danny and Shooter, who seem all-too interested in the unusual transportation on view. Astonishingly, the mockery comes in small doses - it's the propositions that are free-flowing from the mouths of the cocky gang, insistent on nabbing a room in Paradise. So determined are they that they sneak Sam out of classes for some heavy persuasion tactics. If only they'd simply rent a room! But oh no - Mick has other ideas. And what Mick wants, Mick gets. Hot under the collar and feeling the pressure of the gang's persistence, Sam buckles and agrees to their demands of a free - and frequent - bed. Now the hard part: pulling it off.

Lacking sleep from his disastrous proximity to the honeymoon suite, Sam guilt-trips his dad into keeping the lover's room eternally vacant. Supposing his unsuspecting father had been made aware of the low down and dirty exploits the presumed out-of-bounds apartment was about to bring, he'd surely have thought twice about falling for his son's cleverly concocted act. However, Sam need'nt worry about the consequences of being ratted-out.. yet. For now, no more Mick, Danny and Shooter on his back demanding favours and more importantly, the chance to become a member of their gang and be free from the ranks of the social outcasts. They can't be too bad of a group of guys, can they?

As the lovers suite gets some regular use, Sam finds himself instantly accepted. Offered the odd buck here and there for his troubles, he refuses, telling Mick and the guys that their friendship is a fine enough substitute for cash. Storm clouds are headed for sunny California, though. And they're gonna land directly above Sam Kehoe's naive head.

Beginning to take notice of Mick's casual approach to bedding girls, Sam is at a loss to discover that the beautiful and brainy Laura - woman of his dreams - is also one of his targets for a quickie. Feeling obliged to rescue her from a broken heart, Sam plans to show the over-confident (and so-called friend) Mick what he's really made of. Before he can do anything, though, our hero must also save the only decent man of the gang - Shooter - from a desperate predicament.

Grave misunderstandings, punch-ups, pranks, first love and a hat full of humour isn't far behind.. They might want to re-think the whole Paradise thing!

VERDICT: ★★★ ½

Paradise Motel is an incredibly obscure little number that was written as a follow-on to the horrendous, tacky, and equally obscure 1982 flick Goin' All The Way, and thank god it wasn't burdened with the title Goin' All The Way 2 (or 'Too'!). Why was the 'first' so horrendous, you ask? Well, as the title implies, it's pretty much just ninety minutes of some pathetically horny kid using a copious amount of force/trickery/various other unscrupulous tactics, with the ultimate goal of boning the chick he likes to refer to as his girlfriend. I can't even be sure whether the jerk does the deed by the end of it all, since he spends the majority of the movie amid rampant fantasies. Anyway, back to matter at hand.

Paradise Motel does what many lower budget teen sex comedies fail at. It makes the most of what it can be. It doesn't numb your brain or bombard you with jackass characters you couldn't care less for. It doesn't chuck in as many naked women as possible, or as much slapstick toilet humour and sound effects. This is a movie that actually makes a half-decent coming of age story about the fears of being accepted, about the harsh truths that teenagers face when it dawns on them that being irresponsible for the rest of your life gets you nowhere. Enough of this serious rubbish, you say! I thought this was a sex comedy? Well, it is. And the best part of the sex is over with within the first sixty seconds of the movie. Sorry to disappoint. Jokes aside, Paradise Motel isn't the dumb, wafer-thin, forgotten piece of film-making that it first strikes you as. It does suffer from misleading cover art syndrome, what with the whole sexy beach flick vibe it has goin' on. Ignore all of your low expectations! Paradise Motel will pleasantly surprise.

IMAGES/VIDEOS:

SOUNDTRACK:

I say it often and i'll say it again. THIS SOUNDTRACK KICKS ASS! Sadly, you gotta enjoy it in the movie, 'cause as far as it seems, it's another for the (increasingly huge) unreleased list.

1. One Track Mind - Remote Control
2. Illusion - Rick White
3. Wave Length - Remote Control
4. Suzy - Radio Bandits
5. Big Talk - Teaze
6. Lolita - Remote Control
7. Sparks - Remote Control
8. Better Late Than Never - Jacki O
9. Have a Heart - Dee Archer
10. I'm The One - Rick Neigher
11. Party 'Til We Die - The Rubinoos
12. Can't Give Up - Tom Brighton
13. Get Even - Remote Control
14. Fast Friends - Rick White

Summer Job [1989]

"Wanted: Irresponsible coeds to work in exotic pleasure spa. 'Experience' a must!"

When recruited as summer staff at a hot beach side resort, a bunch of (mainly too old to be) college coeds prepare themselves for the ultimate fun in the sun experience! Somehow, these lucky kids - comprising of a fat slob, cocky jock, daddies girl, surfer chick, cowboy, nerd, and a few other characters sporting obviously aqua-netted hairdos - beat the competition of the six hundred other applicants for the chance of a lifetime; a chance that doesn't begin too well for any of them.

With a psychotic chef in the kitchen; guests suffering from heart attacks at the sight of the room service girl; an obese woman (complete with splodgy sound effects) plodding after whichever lad she notices; a leery old guy chasing the scantily clad beach babes all hours of the day and a whole array of other disasters, the summer staff all begin to get tired of what they thought would be a few weeks of bliss.

Head of staff and UCLA college senior Kathy (Sherrie Rose) continues with her tight-ship work routine, earning herself an instant enemy in the form of filthy rich daddies girl, Barbara. Claws - and sharp ones at that - soon come out and after Barbara is humiliated by one of Kathy's clever pranks, daddies girl is on the warpath and guess who is right on route? Armed with a bottle of purple dye, conniving Barb fixes her new rival's bubble bath and the next night, Kathy is branded the 'purple pimpernel'. That isn't the end to the disasters and when the resort manager catches onto the commotion, Kathy loses her position as head of staff and is demoted to kitchen duties, saving the population of the beach the humiliation of seeing a purple-skinned resort worker. To top things off, Barbara is sacked, much to the satisfaction of the rest of the staff. But they haven't seen the last of her..

To make things worse for Kathy, she hears from her so-called boyfriend that he has been seeing someone else for weeks, so she and the other girls go out to exact revenge on more or less the entire male population of the resort. Meanwhile, the lads on staff try their hardest (no pun intended) at getting laid.

Just when the staff think the waves have settled and their end-of-summer leaving party is in sight, they get a nasty surprise. None other than bitch of the century, Barbara, checks in as a guest. Without hesitation, the staff agree they are in for one bumpy ride. So what do they do? Cook up - quite literally - a cunning plan of action! Can they pull it off and get even with the one person who is making their lives hell? And can they throw the most made-of-awesome leaving party in summer job history?

VERDICT:★★ ½

As far as spring break/summer beach movies go, Summer Job is a fun one. Look at it as a movie, and you'll be bummed out. But look at it as an '80s beach movie, realise that's all it is, and you'll be entertained. There are only a certain amount of things that you can put into a beach movie (sun, sea, sand and tanned bodies, to name the most of them) and none of those things are anything particularly substantial. So if you're looking for an intellectually stimulating experience (and I did said intellectually, as well as stimulating) then you're on the wrong tracks. Generally on the wrong tracks here at this site, I mean.

Summer Job does benefit from a good deal of humour, although it is largely pretty slapstick stuff. Unavoidably with these sorts of movies, the laughs are mostly unintentional, and the best part of the over-emphasised gags fall flat and will probably irritate you a little. Regardless, Summer Job is a double-sized slice of late '80s cinema that goes heavy on the cheese and not-so on the brain cells. Will it encourage you to nab yourself a summer job? Well, see it and find out.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

The song played during the opening credits is "All the Love I Need" by Ike Stubblefield and Kevin Quigley, and is one of the best tracks on the unsurprisingly out of print soundtrack.

1. You're All The Love I Need - Ike Stubblefield and Kevin Quigley
2. Hold On To Your Love - Orkestra
3. Sweet Lover - Jack Green
4. Lady Of The Night - Kenny Moore
5. Kathy's Theme - Ike Stubblefield
6. Some Kind Of Magic - Orkestra
7. Win Your Love - Jack Green
8. Give Me The Night - Ike Stubblefield and Debbie Fosten
9. Don't Turn Away - Orkestra
10. Bring On The Dancing Girls - Orkestra
11. Heartbeat - Ike Stubblefield and Kevin Quigley

Paradise [1982]

"If Only It Could Have Been Forever.."

Some time in Victorian-era Baghdad, teens Sarah (Phoebe Cates) and David (Willie Aames) on route to Damascus suddenly find themselves being attacked. Narrowly escaping the bloodthirsty hooligans, they hide down a well until the coast is clear. Unbeknownst to them, they have been targeted by the 'Jackal', a sheik who spends his time collecting young mistresses. Having attempted to buy Sarah for himself but without any success, the slave-agent had ordered the town be massacred and the girl brought to him.

To his frustration, the teenagers escape, fleeing from the town, temporarily setting up lodging in a cave surrounded by sandy plains. There, they must learn to fend for themselves, with David hunting wild animals in order for the couple to survive. A while passes, the cave beginning to become more of a home, with a spring nearby, supplying them with water. Presuming the Jackal gone, the teens are carefree, until having to make a quick escape when they find that he and his men are still after them. Using a camel as transportation, they gather up their few belongings and travel across the desert.

They find their way to a beautiful tropical beach, the Jackal lost in the desert. Some time passes and they set up home, building a hut from the natural resources around them. Time drifts by, David often practising archery and Sarah enjoying the surrounding ocean. It's obvious by this point that both of them are attracted to one another, but for a while Sarah refuses most physical contact. This all changes when the Jackal and his men turn up at the couple's new paradise, stealing Sarah away and destroying the hut.

David chases after them, coming to a small village in the middle of the desert. Disguising himself, he grabs Sarah and again they make a run for it. This time, when returning back to paradise, they express each others feelings and a couple of intimate scenes follow.

But the Jackal has not given in, returning once more to claim Sarah for his own. Again the young couple escape into the desert, where they're taken over by a feeling of hopelessness. But as the Jackal approaches, David puts his archery skills to good use, striking the menace in the neck. As he collapses into the sand, the couple approach with caution and are relieved to discover him dead. The movie ends with Sarah announcing her pregnancy and the young lovers finally arriving at Damascus.

VERDICT: ★★

There is no doubt about it: Paradise is a bad movie. The first thing that comes to mind as soon as you begin to watch is the blatant ripping-off of The Blue Lagoon. Two teenagers isolated from the world and free of adult supervision, learning to live in tropical surroundings and beginning to grasp the meaning of reproduction. Paradise, along with the Blue Lagoon and it's 1991 sequel could all, more-or-less, have been made from exactly the same script. Blink and you won't notice the difference.

Willie Aames cannot act one bit in this movie, coming across as a spoilt brat of a kid, quite rightfully being nominated for a Razzy under the category of 'Worst Actor'. The constant terrorizing from the Jackal becomes ridiculously boring after the first couple of kidnap attempts, and you can see where the movie is pointed from the get-go. Seemingly, the movie is just an excuse for both Phoebe Cates (who was a few months shy of 18 at the time of filming) and Willie Aames to run around with no clothes on at every opportunity. Wins extra points for some nice scenery, but that's about all. Avoid, unless you are a die-hard Phoebe Cates fan.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

The movie never really had much of a soundtrack, just rather annoying odd pieces of cartoon-like music in places. However, strangely, Phoebe Cates actually released the title song as a single on Columbia Records, to coincide with the release of the film back in '82.

1. Paradise Theme - Phoebe Cates
Written and Produced by Joel Diamond & L. Russell Brown

Hardbodies [1984]

"If you don't know what they are, you don't know what you're missing."

Surfer dude Scotty Palmer (Grant Cramer) is king of the beach. He knows all the moves, attracting 'hardbodies' every minute of the day - his skills are about to earn him a 600 buck a month job with his new neighbours.

When three middle-aged and out of touch guys decide to snap up the hottest house on the beach, they're convinced that their new residence is going to be heaving with bikini-clad babes. But soon, Hunter, Rounder and Ashby realise that it's going to be a tougher job than they think. Enter Scotty. The surprisingly friendly teenager introduces himself to his new neighbours, offering to wash their swish convertible. Little do they realize, his offer is just a front - claiming the car to be his, he lures the girls in before they know it. Once the three notice his moves, they're impressed. Hunter puts forward an offer that Scotty can't refuse; 600 bucks a month and a room in their house - the swankiest, most impressive house on the beachfront - and in return he must teach the guys how to catch hardbodies.

The guys head down to the beach, Scotty demonstrating a few tricks of the trade. Try as they might to grab the attention of at least one girl, things are going embarrassingly wrong. Deciding to head off to another hardbody hotspot, they think things are about to get easier - only to find that all the girls they set eyes on are pretty much repulsed by the three 'fossils'. Hatching on that they're going round in circles, Scotty tells the guys that they need to do something about the way they look. Sending them off on a shopping spree, the three return with new outfits, new haircuts, and new ideas. Soon, the girls are flocking, and by the end of the day the four studs have managed to invite heaps of hardbodies over to their place for a party at the weekend.

By the time the weekend rolls around, the guys can't wait. Girls begin turning up, and the house is soon full, everyone having a blast. Scotty then hears a girl band playing a few houses away and goes off to find them, asking who they're signed with. When he finds out that they're manager-less and struggling for gigs, he steps in to help them and tells them to come over and play some tunes at the party. The place livens up and by the end of the night, Hunter, Rounder and Ashby have all managed to get lucky.

The next day, the guys hire a limo and cruise around to bars, picking up girls and then stopping off at the beach. Hunter then tries it on with the wrong girl and is persistent until Scotty comes to her rescue, telling him to back off and leave her alone. Hunter is fuming and storms off up the beach, leaving Scotty comforting the girl, who is by now in tears. Further up the beach, Hunter runs into Kristi (Teal Roberts), Scotty's girlfriend. He pours her a glass of wine, telling her he's been sent by Scotty to keep her company, whilst he goes and gets it on with another girl! Kristi doesn't believe it until Hunter tells her to go and see for herself - she rushes down the beach to see Scotty with another girl in his arms.

The following day at the beach, Scotty is confused why his girlfriend won't speak to him. He has arranged for a beach gig for his band and agrees to meet Kristi there. Expecting her to turn up anytime soon, he hangs around, but then finds himself getting into a confrontation with a bunch of jerks who have decided to shout abuse at his band. One thing leads to another, and Scotty gets himself into a bit of a fight. Meanwhile his girlfriend stands waiting for him, but when he is nowhere to be seen, she decides to head over to Hunter's place. Things between them start to get cosy, and Scotty guesses what might be going on, shooting over to the beach house to find her. Hunter tells him to clear off and not to come back to the house and, having nowhere to stay for the night, resorts to sleeping on the beach.

Hunter has plans for another wild party and Kristi tags along. What the slimy Hunter doesn't know is that Scotty has come up with an idea to get his own back. Mid-way through the party, Hunter finds himself surrounded by girls, who take him upstairs and oil him up.. before covering him in feathers and showing him up in front of everyone! Scotty and Kristi of course make up and get back together, and at the end decide to move in together.

VERDICT: ★★

Hardbodies is another of those gratuitous nudity-filled teen sex comedies set on the beach. None of the actresses in this flick are fully-clothed, ever - but, originally made for Playboy TV, what do you expect? It is totally trashy and full of bad acting and bad jokes, but in a way, the who-gives-a-shit California party atmosphere kinda makes up for it.

Spawning a sequel, Hardbodies grossed $7,121,719 on release, and many name it as the defining movie of its genre. If you want boobs, beer and the beach, Hardbodies is where it's at.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [trailer]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Hardbodies Theme - Krak
2. Synthecide - SSQ
3. I'm In, You're Out - The Last Angry Band
4. Tearin' Me Up - Nancy Shanks
5. Loosin' It - The Marc Tanner Band
6. Smile For The Camera - Gerard McMahon
7. Barbados Rita - Gerard McMahon
8. Hello, Hello - Gerard McMahon
9. Jealous Girl - The Extras
10. Clockwork - SSQ
11. Party On - Rod Firestone
12. Computer Madness - Vixen
13. Maria - Vixen
14. Be With Me - Vixen
15. Lies - The Marc Tanner Band
16. Big Electronic Beat - SSQ
17. Mr Cool - Vixen
18. Women in Motion - Krak
19. I Did It - Rod Firestone
20. Fossils - Sorrells Pickard
21. Only One - Mick Smiley
22. Pickaguena - Sorrells Pickard
23. Suite Deluxe - Richard Sterling
24. Kristi's Love Theme - Rick Braun
25. Give It A Chance - Vixen
26. Runnin' - Vixen
27. Partytime - 45 Grave
28. Ms. Got-The-Body - Michael V Cooper & Felton Pilate

Pretty Smart [1987]

"After a taste of knowledge, the girls at Ogilvy Academy think they're... Pretty Smart."

Zigs (Tricia Leigh Fisher) works at a bank, which is, unfortunately, just about to be robbed. But the whole thing is a joke to the streetwise teen - distracting the robber by stripping down to her undies!

In a bid to straighten out their daughter for good, Zigs' parents send her packing, shipping both the prim and proper Jennifer and rebellious sister Zigs to Ogilvy girls academy in Greece. Arriving in her Madonna-esq get-up, Zigs swaggers past Principal Crawley, immediately being told to "never wear that outfit again". Taking none of it and determined to be kicked out at the soonest possible instance, she tells Crawley to "eat shit", and struts inside.

Both sisters are assigned their room-mates, Jennifer lumbered with the blonde and brainless Rebecca, leader of clique the 'Preens'. Meanwhile, it's a completely different story where Zigs is concerned, quickly becoming friends with room-mate Zero (Patricia Arquette) and falling in with the 'Subs'. Referred to as the 'subhumanoids', the girls are constantly at war with the Preens, the rivalry hotting up when Zigs becomes ringleader of her gang.

It's not long before Zigs is in trouble with the Principal due to her rebellious behaviour and endless loudmouthing. Convincing him that she is sorry for her unruly actions, she asks if there is any way she can be forgiven. Principal Crawley then leaves her in charge of dinner and musical arrangements to accompany the upcoming tennis tournament with the local boys school. All seems to be going well, that is, until the day of the tournament. The tables piled up with greasy take-out snacks, the affluent and wealthy guests can't believe their eyes. But it turns out to be one trick too many when the 'classical' band rip off their suits and grab electric guitars. Principal Crawley is fuming and, knowing the disastrous affair was handiwork of the Subs, buys the Preens tickets to Paris for good behaviour. The Subs are forced back to classes whilst the Preens pack and leave. But when easygoing English teacher and ex-Ogilvy student Sara Gentry finds out, she and the Subs go off to Rhode Island for fun in the sun.

On return, the principal is furious, sacking Sara on the spot. Both the Preens and the Subs are mortified at the loss of their favourite teacher, vowing revenge. Soon after, the Subs, determined to banish their misery, throw a party for Zigs' birthday. They blast out music and dance around the dinner hall until Crawley interrupts, confiscating Zigs' new stereo. The girls are all forced back to their rooms, but later that night, Zigs takes it upon herself to retrieve what's hers. Along with her three best friends, the girls creep down to the Principals office in the dark. Joking around, they accidentally discover that Crawley has been spying on the girls thanks to hidden cameras in the dorms, making sleazy tapes and selling them off to 'business partners'.

Deciding to tell-all to rivals the Preens, both cliques are horrified, and, joining forces, the girls come up with a plan for revenge which will rid Ogilvy Academy of Principal Crawley once and for all.

VERDICT: ★★ ½

Pretty Smart is a typical New World Pictures flick, laced with the obligatory T&A whenever possible. It is very much like Private School, and anyone who has seen that movie knows what to expect. Compared with other New World teen movies, Pretty Smart is not quite on-par with the little remembered Canadian caper Breaking All the Rules, but a lot more enjoyable than Fraternity Vacation.

The opening song, sung by Tricia Leigh Fisher, raises expectations maybe a little too high, and in retrospect is probably the most enjoyable part of the movie. However, Pretty Smart is still quite a blast, with some fun goings on and a bit of humour here and there. It certainly isn't spectacular, neither is it terrible, but for New World it is a good'n. Plus, it demonstrates some great (/abysmal?) late eighties fashions, and shows us what a young Patricia Arquette was up to in 1987, in her second movie role.

IMAGES/VIDEOS: [movie clip]

SOUNDTRACK:

1. Pretty Smart - Tricia Leigh Fisher
2. Breakdown - Dave Morgan
3. Where Is The Man - Dave Levy
4. Good Love Turn To Bad - Dave Morgan
5. Foreign Relations - Dave Morgan
6. Keep On Following Your Heart - Dave Morgan
7. Born to Rock - Dave Morgan